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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want him to stop being so angry

240 replies

linioj · 23/07/2012 16:39

My sister put my brother's details and forged his signature as her guarantor for rent (she suffers from depression). She fell behind on her rent and so he ended up liable and he did pay her rent using the savings he was given on his 18th birthday (this was back in March). He hasn't spoken to her since and everytime its brought he goes into a foul-mouthed rant about how he hates her.

I want him to let it go and forgive her because she has vowed to repay him and she has already started to put money aside to do this, the money he used was money given to him not money he had earnt and then saved. Also if he hated her he wouldn't have paid it and would have had her evicted.

DP says that I underestimate the level of betrayal (I know what she did was terrible) but it really upsets me and it is breaking my mums heart to see the level of hatred and contempt he has for her. I know I'm probably being U and he is only 19 but would it be too much for him to forgive and forget.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2012 17:01

It is your sister who upset your DM. Blaming your DB for feeling bad is letting your sister get away with it. He can think about forgiving her when she has paid him back if she ever does.

RubyFakeNails · 23/07/2012 17:01

I had assumed she was younger.

Her behaviour is totally unacceptable.

maggio · 23/07/2012 17:02

He was defrauded by his sister who is 22 and so is not a child. She has behaved disgracefully and illegally.

pictish · 23/07/2012 17:03

I too sympathise with you OP, in that it IS horrid to see your loved ones fighting and bad feeling everywhere....but really, your sister has caused this...and it seems your brother is being held responsible for rocking the boat by daring to complain.

She did a bad thing.

scarletforya · 23/07/2012 17:03

Yes, it is too much to ask him to forgive and forget. Your sister committed fraud on her own brother. She hasn't paid him back yet, yes she says she is going to, but from a liar her words mean nothing. Only her actions can show her remorse.

So instead of 'putting aside' the money she owes him, she needs to actually hand over every available penny she has right away and show she means it.

Also you are not helping with your attitude of wanting it all swept under the carpet. You are showing favouritism for your sister over your brother. Depression is no excuse for what she did. By you minimising her crime and trying to shield her from the consequences of her actions you are sending her a message that it's ok and that she can do the same again and you and your Mother will protect her and allow her to do so.

the money he used was money given to him not money he had earnt and then saved

That makes absolutely no difference it was HIS money, your sister is not entitled to it regardless of how he came by it.

I think you are making a bad situation worse, I think you need to butt out. You are so wrong.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/07/2012 17:07

YABVU. Unless you have spare money to give to your sister, it is really off to judge your brother and you and your mum need to wake up. You are being very unfair to him, and I can't believe you're ok with your mum being upset. She should be ashamed of her daughter, not upset with her teenage son who has been taken advantage of!

ealir · 23/07/2012 17:08

Is the OP for real?

The sister should thank her sorry arse that she's not in prison or that he's making her go on the game in order to pay him back. If it bothers you that much why don't you get your purse out and pay him.

TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 17:08

Maybe he would find it easier to let go off his anger if you, your mother and your sister actually validated his feelings, rather than blaming him for the bad feeling within the family.

lisaro · 23/07/2012 17:08

This isn't about how you feel though. Depressed or not it was a bloody disgusting thing to do. I wouldn't have paid and would have had it cleared up properly. I don't blame him at all. You seem tone taking sides. Just remember he's the victim here. If it bothers you that much pay it yourself.

rekite · 23/07/2012 17:11

I suspect the OP's desire for the situation and tension to dissipate is clouding any sort of objective assessment of events. Your sister has in effect thieved your brother's birthday money to pay her rent. As it happens I doubt he hates her, he probably feels so hurt by her actions and this has turned into rage.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/07/2012 17:12

Your poor brother, his savings swiped by his sisters blatant fraud and the rest of his family making him feel guilty for being understandably very upset about it.

Only your sister can make amends for this by paying him back and working bloody hard to earn back his trust. The rest of the family need to accept his feelings and that it may take years to (or they may never) recover their relationship.

He has been amazing actually paying up and saving her from fraud charges, but that doesnt mean he needs to forgive her. Think your family should listen to your dp and get off his case and onto your sisters instead.

I also can't believe you and your family left a 19 year to carry the financial burden of this fraud alone.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2012 17:14

Frequently, people who keep 'ranting' are doing it because they don't feel heard. I am not surprised your DB keeps on about it since all of you are minimising it. As I say, when she pays it back in full and apologises AFTER she has done this, then maybe it is reasonable for your DB to forgive her.

WilsonFrickett · 23/07/2012 17:15

Why didn't you and your mum give the sister at least some of the money? I think it's terrible that you're all ganging up on your brother. He's not your family cash-point. Disgusting behaviour and you are trying to sweep it under the carpet. Small wonder he's angry.

bobbledunk · 23/07/2012 17:15

Your poor brother, I wish he'd gone to the police instead and refused to pay, keeping his money, then she would have learned a lesson and he wouldn't be so filled with anger and hatred. I think he's probably most angry at having not stood up for himself and allowing himself to be bullied out of his savings, I bet there was a lot of guilt tripping to get him to part with his money. You and your mother should repay him and your nasty sister can pretend she will repay both of you. He will never see a penny otherwise.

Stop using her depression to excuse her behaviour, I know lots of depressed people, one longtime friend rarely left her house for years because of it. None of them ever conned people out of their savings. That's what selfish thieves do.

NervousAt20 · 23/07/2012 17:16

YABU!!! I don't blame your DB for being so angry! If that's the money he got for his 18th and he's now 19 it's been over a year and she still hasnt paid him back? Yeh she sounds really sorry or if your that bothered why don't you pay her debts off? I don't think I could just forgive and forget, of he's done this to him this time what will she forge next time she needs something? Indont think the fact she has depression is any kind of excuse but one your trying to make for her so the situation doesn't seem as bad as it is and I agree with other posters that I don't think your really grasp how upset and hirt your brother is and he wouldn't have been unreasonable at all to go to the police and refuse to pay

Original poster
linioj · 23/07/2012 17:17

I would give him the money and have the debt transferred to me if I had the money but I don't and neither does my mum.

OP posts:
TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 17:18

I also can't believe you and your family left a 19 year to carry the financial burden of this fraud alone.

That's a really good point. Your brother may have been legally responsible to pay (as guarantor), but why did your family not pay up instead? In a way this is a double betrayal: first by his sister, and then by the rest of the family in expecting him to actually pay it all. No wonder he is still angry.

unuat · 23/07/2012 17:18

You appear more unreasonable as the thread continues

AThingInYourLife · 23/07/2012 17:21

He might never forgive her.

She's a liar and a thief who let her little brother use all his savings to bail her out and is now making fake noises about being sorry but hasn't paid back a penny.

Of course he hates her, she is hateful.

I suspect he'll distance himself from you and your mother pretty soon.

Nobody deserves to be treated in the appalling way you're treating him.

Poor guy. I hope he has better friends than his horrible family.

Dprince · 23/07/2012 17:21

OP I get the impression you are minimising what she has done so you aren't as horrified by what she has done. I get that. I also get you don't want the 'at war with each other'.
However you are alienating your brother further with your reluctance to accept what she did was wrong and there is no excuse, by thinking the fact it was gifted money makes it mean less and by blaming him for your mums upset.
she has defrauded him. Why would he believe she will pay him back? Hoe do you know she is saving? Where is the money? How do you know she won't save so much the spend it again?
Why did he carry this responsibility on his own? Why do no one else in this close family help?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/07/2012 17:21

But if you don't have the money, and neither does your mum, what makes you think your younger brother does?!

It is very hard, but obviously your sister needs help so I think you and your mum and brother need to get together and tell her she has stolen and you need to sort things out.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/07/2012 17:23

Btw, I think she is ill and needs help - I don't want to judge your sister, but, if she is this ill, you can't keep treating her like a responsible adult. This sort of action is a cry for help. She needs to be taken care of, and even if you were all stinking rich with money to spare, her actions would still be a huge red flag.

Pushing it under the carpet won't solve it.

Dprince · 23/07/2012 17:24

So no one else could help and he paid up alone?
What if she had done this to you? You wouldn't have been able to pay, what mess would you have been left in?
But I assume as his money was gifted its not a problem. You need to validate his feelings, not make excuses.

RubyFakeNails · 23/07/2012 17:25

Also you said she wasn't evicted, so she is still paying rent?

What happens if she falls behind again, who is the guarantor now, especially if you and your mum don't have the cash to spare?

BalloonSlayer · 23/07/2012 17:26

If your Mum's so upset about it, she could have paid. Or she could be helping your sister to pay him back.

Everyone is so upset at him for being angry but no one is helping him get his money back.

Perhaps he wouldn't BE so angry if he felt people understood and sympathised.

He sounds like a pretty decent bloke though, he did the right thing by his sister.