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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want him to stop being so angry

240 replies

linioj · 23/07/2012 16:39

My sister put my brother's details and forged his signature as her guarantor for rent (she suffers from depression). She fell behind on her rent and so he ended up liable and he did pay her rent using the savings he was given on his 18th birthday (this was back in March). He hasn't spoken to her since and everytime its brought he goes into a foul-mouthed rant about how he hates her.

I want him to let it go and forgive her because she has vowed to repay him and she has already started to put money aside to do this, the money he used was money given to him not money he had earnt and then saved. Also if he hated her he wouldn't have paid it and would have had her evicted.

DP says that I underestimate the level of betrayal (I know what she did was terrible) but it really upsets me and it is breaking my mums heart to see the level of hatred and contempt he has for her. I know I'm probably being U and he is only 19 but would it be too much for him to forgive and forget.

OP posts:
thebody · 23/07/2012 21:40

Your poor brother what a hero he is for paying her debts, if one of my kids did this to another I would be livid.

He could have gone to the police!!

Your sister should stop putting money away to pay him back and just PAY HIM BACK!!

Can't belive you and your mom are siding with your bitch if a sister??

Depressed people don't act this way!!! They don't have the energy!! She is a liar as well as a thief.

If she was truly sorry she would go to the Police.

echt · 23/07/2012 21:42

Sorry-arse sister should get a loan from her bank (can she?), and pay the money back in full. THEN live on bread and water repaying her own loan, and the interest.

kok0line · 23/07/2012 21:56

YABU and I can't believe the OP tbh.

mathanxiety · 23/07/2012 21:56

Herenia, if she is responsible enough to work in a bank despite her depression then she can be expected to keep her paws off her brother's money too.

mathanxiety · 23/07/2012 21:59

I agree she needs to get a personal loan asap, return the entire amount she stole to the brother, and work to pay it off plus interest for however long it takes.

A bit more expensive than the cheap words 'Blah blah I'm sorry blah blah'...

AdoraBell · 23/07/2012 22:09

YABU

He does need to stop being angry, but for his own benefit. The kind of anger he is likely feeling right now could stay with him for life, especially if other family members behave like it's not the sister's fault. That could affect his health and relationships. Somehas to take responsibity for her actions and if it's not her it should be the parents. Every family member should be standing up for your brother and trying to help him.

I do appreciate that your sister's depression may have affects her actions, but it may also have ruined your brother's financial reputation for life.

AdoraBell · 23/07/2012 22:11

YABU

He does need to stop being angry, but for his own benefit. The kind of anger he is likely feeling right now could stay with him for life, especially if other family members behave like it's not the sister's fault. That could affect his health and relationships. Someone has to take responsibity for her actions and if it's not her it should be the parents. Every family member should be standing up for your brother and trying to help him.

I do appreciate that your sister's depression may have affects her actions, but it may also have ruined your brother's financial reputation for life.

AdoraBell · 23/07/2012 22:12

Oops, didn't mean to post that twiceBlush

sutei · 23/07/2012 22:24

YABU but I can see why it won't be a pleasant situation for anyone. He doesn't hate her because he could have reported it to the police and gone through all the legal shenanigans which would have left your sister homeless and unemployed. He'll come round, he probably feels hurt.

ilovesooty · 23/07/2012 22:37

Depression is no excuse for what she's done. She ought to be thankful every single day that she's not unmployed, unemployable, and in prison, and you and your mother should be thankful and grateful too.

Your refusal to acknowledge that he has every right to feel as he does makes you almost as despicable as your sister.

Whenthetoadcamehome · 23/07/2012 22:47

Your sister is very fortunate he didn't turn her in to the police. This has happened in my stepsisters family and 10 years on the siblings have no contact, the victim of the two will never forgive the theif (because this is what it amounts to for him, theft of not just money but thw opportunities he had to let go that the money would have given him) or trust her again and so would rather just not deal with her at all.
I think you need to cut your brother some slack, he is justifiably pissed off.

rilil · 23/07/2012 23:02

Your sister is a scumbag and a criminal and should be in prison. The thought of her working in a bank is almost as horrifying as you thinking he should just forgive and forget.

mathanxiety · 23/07/2012 23:12

It could have been you, OP, who had the Landlord banging on your door for his money or looking in disbelief at a blot in your credit record.

Quite possibly the only thing that stopped her taking your money instead of his was ease of forging one signature compared to another.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 23/07/2012 23:34

Hey maths how does the OP know she hasn't been a similar victim. Loan out in her name, and at the moment her sister is keeping up with repayments...

If she's done it once, nothing to say she hasn't done it more or wouldn't do it again.

unuat · 23/07/2012 23:34

I hope you've apoligised to him this evening and will stop trying to push him into accepting an apology.

tefek · 23/07/2012 23:48

You're sister is a liar, a thief and a conwoman. I find your PoV that it should all just be swept under the carpet baffling, do you actually love your brother?

pictish · 23/07/2012 23:50

I think the OP's had enough now eh?
Come on.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 24/07/2012 01:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mathanxiety · 24/07/2012 01:48

Now that's a thought, HmmThinkingAboutIt

GhostShip · 24/07/2012 07:42

I found it a bit insulting that '(she was depressed)' was put right after what she'd done. As if having depression makes you rob from your own family.

ioplim · 24/07/2012 08:08

What did you say to him in the end OP?

Dprince · 24/07/2012 08:11

Morning op, how did it go?

wheredidiputit · 24/07/2012 08:29

hereneia Mon 23-Jul-12 20:57:31

hereneia : Hating your own sister is a very sad state of affairs.
As is forging your brother's signature, putting him in an impossible situation and effectively stealing from him.

I agree that the sister has behaved terribly but she has mental health problems and what good can come from his behaviour?

I would argue this point to as much as the sister is using her mental problems as an excuse for her behaviour I would her brother is behaving as a normal 19 yr old who has been betrayed by all his family.

It sounds to me like this sister behaviour has been excused for years because she depressed.

FireOverBabylon · 24/07/2012 09:58

OP can you look to opening a savings account, so your sister can transfer the £400 that her brother won't accept into it? She can then continue to make transfers into the account until she's paid it all back, and the money is then there for your brother when / if he feels he can accept it in the future.

He's completely within his rights to be hurt and to refuse to accept money from her but if you use the same principal as non-recisdent parents who can't see their children but put money, letters, presents etc away through a solicitor so they are waiting for the child when they hit 18, this money can be saved ready for him, so your sister doesn't spend it, even if he isn't ready to accept it now.

Trying to be fair to your sister, she may need to feel that she's repaid your borther to help her to move on with any treatment she's having for depression, sort of "putting right" the wrong she did him. He won't accept her payments. Just find a way to get this money away from her and safe for your brother in the future.

confusedpixie · 24/07/2012 10:23

Your poor brother. That much money is a lot when you've just started saving. Your sister sound cold heated and pathetic. I hope it went week last night, your db deserves your support, not condemnation for not forgiving so yabvu, he dis a great thing! I would not have bailed my sisters our had they done this, I would have sought legal advice. For all you know he may have been planning to travel, buy a car, go on holiday, save for a place if his own anything! And losing that amount would have fucked over his plans.

I wouldn't forgive anybody who did that to me so I can't blame him for feeling angry still, but he should accept the for hundred and make a deadline for the rest of it to be there by. Whether he chooses to forgive her our not after that is his own choice.