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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want him to stop being so angry

240 replies

linioj · 23/07/2012 16:39

My sister put my brother's details and forged his signature as her guarantor for rent (she suffers from depression). She fell behind on her rent and so he ended up liable and he did pay her rent using the savings he was given on his 18th birthday (this was back in March). He hasn't spoken to her since and everytime its brought he goes into a foul-mouthed rant about how he hates her.

I want him to let it go and forgive her because she has vowed to repay him and she has already started to put money aside to do this, the money he used was money given to him not money he had earnt and then saved. Also if he hated her he wouldn't have paid it and would have had her evicted.

DP says that I underestimate the level of betrayal (I know what she did was terrible) but it really upsets me and it is breaking my mums heart to see the level of hatred and contempt he has for her. I know I'm probably being U and he is only 19 but would it be too much for him to forgive and forget.

OP posts:
TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 18:50

You need to make it clear to him that if she pays him back, this comes without any strings attached - i.e. he will not be expected to forgive her (until he is ready!).

pictish · 23/07/2012 18:51

Mind you - if someone stole hundreds off me, I would not be interested in £50 here and £50 there....I'd want it back in full. All of it. In a oner.

CalamityJones · 23/07/2012 18:51

Your sister sounds like a peach. Stealing from her little brother to go on holiday and play bingo - are you're surprised he's angry and contemptuous?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 23/07/2012 18:52

If you are meeting him tonight I think you should urge him to accept the repayment of the money but tell him you understand he's not to ready to forgive and assure him you won't put any more pressure on him to do so.

He's been treated really poorly and he has the right to have his feelings validated by you and his mum.

ioplim · 23/07/2012 18:52

I'm going to go against the grain somewhat, I don't condone what she's done but depression does make people do desperate things. Him thrashing around in perpatuity in a whirlwind of hatred towards his sister and refusing her repayment will not help him get his money back and blood should run thicker than water

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 23/07/2012 18:52

I hope when you meet your brother later for a drink, the first thing you will do is apologise for your behaviour in pressurising him to forgive and forget and say you are more understanding now of the extent of the hurt he must feel.

Surely you will take that, at least, from this thread?

AThingInYourLife · 23/07/2012 18:52

There must be no expectation that she will ever be forgiven.

Maybe one day he will forgive her, but that is up to him.

The debt stands either way. Paying it back doesn't take away the betrayal.

Sallyingforth · 23/07/2012 18:53

"If she is wanting to pay him back and he is sending the money back, he is being stupid and cutting his nose off to spite his face."

No Hecate. He's very, very hurt and it's not just about the money any more. It's about the fact that his family have all let him down. They have failed to support him and just "want him to stop being so angry" to quote the thread title.

Dprince · 23/07/2012 18:54

So she forged documents, then spent the money on on a holiday and bingo?
Sounds to me like she knew exactly what she was doing. She didn't care. She knew he had the means to pick up the tab.
How long since the depression was diagnosed? Does she have a gambling problem because it sounds like it. You making her cancel the account does not mean she hasn't reopened it or has another.
Again has anyone actually seen this money. You say she cutting back, but she doesn't live with you, how do you know. How big of a chunk of the debt did you try to pass to him.
I don't think your brother hates you. But I think he may if you carry on the 'poor dsis' game.

AThingInYourLife · 23/07/2012 18:54

Blood should have been thicker than water when this greedy bitch was forging her little brother's signature and then going on expensive holidays.

Sallyingforth · 23/07/2012 18:55

I have just read your last post OP.

You haven't understood a word anyone has said. You have wasted your time posting here.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/07/2012 18:56

I want to go and give your DB a hug. What a horrible situation to be in at the age of 19 defrauded by your self indulgent sister to fund her overspending then faced with the choice of
a) dumping her in it, guaranteeing that she loses her job
or
b) losing all his birthday money / savings
or
c) getting a CCJ against him royally screwing is credit rating for the next however many years so he can't even get a mobile phone contract let alone car financing or rent his own place.

I am glad you have taken steps to deal with your sister's behaviour but please don't underestimate what a horrible horrible position she put her 19 year old brother in. Lets face it neither a), b) nor c) above look like good options.

okiol · 23/07/2012 18:58

ioplim - Are you being serious?

Inertia · 23/07/2012 18:59

Dear God. You are all seeing your arses at your brother's anger , despite the fact that your sister committed fraud and your brother could have quite easily taken this to the police ?!

Your brother was not the guarantor- your sister forged his signature! What if he hadn't had the birthday money? It's very easy for you to forgive and forget- it's not your money that's been stolen!

I am stunned that you and the rest of your family are letting a teenager carry the financial burden of your sister's fraud, and now you are giving him a hard time because he has been the victim of a crime?

You are so far beyond unreasonable that it's almost impossible to see unreasonable in the distance.

And quite frankly, I bloody well hope that your sister doesn't work at the bank that my account is in. Your brother might have saved her career this time - let's home she doesn't think she can obtain money fraudulently again, eh? Because no bank is going to be as accommodating as your brother has been.

Inertia · 23/07/2012 19:00

The sister may have depression. Having depression doesn't make somebody a criminal.

RandomMess · 23/07/2012 19:02

I think by being a lot more understanding and sympathetic of how your brother feels then he is more likely to forgive sooner even if it takes years.

He is 19, and he is reacting in a way most young adults would, give him time to get over it, if he gets to the point of being ready to let her back into his life he'll let it be known.

theincredibequeenofwands · 23/07/2012 19:02

I have depression. The only signature I ever write is my own.

She sounds pure evil. A real nasty piece of work.

Hope she has good memories of her Morrocan holiday - look what it's cost her.

My advice? When you see your (wonderful) brother tonight you advise him to go the police and report the whole thing. It'll make your (wonderful) brother feel better and your mum and sister will be forced to see how serious fraud really is.

Seriously, she needs a reality check or she'll do it again.

TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 23/07/2012 19:04

OP, where did your brother's money come from? Did you and your sister get similar amounts when you turned 18? If so, what did you do with it? It sounds to me like you both resent the fact that he was given this money, maybe because you didn't get any on your 18ths. If your mum hasn't got the money to pay the debt off, who gave your brother the money in the first place?

Oh, and regardless of the story behind the money, it was HIS money and she had no right to do what she did.

sugarice · 23/07/2012 19:05

Your brother is 2 years older than my Son, unless he is very mature he probably wouldn't even consider making a police complaint and I imagine he just did as he was told by the family upon revealing the shock at being threatened by the debt collectors!. It's more shocking every time I read a new update, poor lad.

Dprince · 23/07/2012 19:05

Its funny how its not her fault because she is depressed and didn't think about what she was doing in desperation for a holiday. but she had the foresight to use your dbro who she knew had savings. Funny how she didn't use the OP or her mum, people who couldn't have afforded to bail her out.
She knew what she was doing when she used him. I would even go so far as to think that she perhaps planned this. Instead of borrowing money from him (or at least asking to borrow) she knew with him involved he would bail her out.

diablogater · 23/07/2012 19:06

YABU your sister deserves a good stint in jail for what she's done and I pray my money isn't in an account at the bank your sister works for.

Another thing I don't understand is surely banks must offer their staff better loan offers than the general public so why didn't she take one?

TandB · 23/07/2012 19:09

The poor bugger probably thinks that if he accepts the money you will all be on his case to play happy families again.

"What are you still moaning about, DB? You got your money back didn't you? Get over it."

holyfishnets · 23/07/2012 19:09

I really don't understand your point of view. S lied on legal documents, secretly used your brother and then he has been forced to bail her out. It's your s with the problem and it's not surprising she has done some real damage to the relationship. I expect it will take him some time to forgive and move on.

WilsonFrickett · 23/07/2012 19:10

I agree Dprince - the more the OP posts the more I think the sister deliberately targeted the brother to find her lifestyle. I really hope she doesn't work at my bank and have the feeling we'll see her on the news one day in one of those 'cashier defrauds bank for bingo' headlines.

WilsonFrickett · 23/07/2012 19:14

dia staff loans are usually discounted by a very small among - half a percent of the rate or similar. However, the bank I worked for was very vigorous in checking staff's credit ratings etc before granting a loan. Now, while you have to sign all sorts of forms and have all sorts of checks before you start working in a bank, they don't do random checks or anything like that. So if a person's financial history has gone downhill since joining a bank, it wouldnt be in their interests to have new credit checks etc run by their employer...