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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want him to stop being so angry

240 replies

linioj · 23/07/2012 16:39

My sister put my brother's details and forged his signature as her guarantor for rent (she suffers from depression). She fell behind on her rent and so he ended up liable and he did pay her rent using the savings he was given on his 18th birthday (this was back in March). He hasn't spoken to her since and everytime its brought he goes into a foul-mouthed rant about how he hates her.

I want him to let it go and forgive her because she has vowed to repay him and she has already started to put money aside to do this, the money he used was money given to him not money he had earnt and then saved. Also if he hated her he wouldn't have paid it and would have had her evicted.

DP says that I underestimate the level of betrayal (I know what she did was terrible) but it really upsets me and it is breaking my mums heart to see the level of hatred and contempt he has for her. I know I'm probably being U and he is only 19 but would it be too much for him to forgive and forget.

OP posts:

Dprince · 23/07/2012 18:20

I wonder if he doesn't want the money because he knows then that there will be more pressure to forgive and he is not ready. Especially when is family won't accept she is wrong.
How long has she been diagnosed with depression, what treatment is she undergoing?

Sallyingforth · 23/07/2012 18:22

With a responsible job in a bank she will have no difficulty getting a cash loan - probably from her own bank at a favourable rate.
She could do that and pay him off right away if she really wanted to.

Original poster

linioj · 23/07/2012 18:23

LRD- He won't speak to her, she's tried phoning/emailing/writing and seeing him in person. He says he only has one sister (me).

She does know what she's done and is very remorseful and apolegetic as we were all very close before this.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2012 18:23

What a bitch

She's really lucky he didn't call the Police

whois · 23/07/2012 18:25

OMG you are being totally totally unreasonable.

Your cow of a sister commuted FRAUD and you brother kindly bailed her out and you are cross with his attitude? Having depression is no excuse to act in a criminal manner. Thinks about the stress and hassle your sister had caused for your poor brother. He absolutely can not be expected to play happy families after that kind of betrayal.

If you feel so strongly that he is in the wrong then YOU should pay him back and the reclaim from your sister.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/07/2012 18:26

Think for a minute what would have happened if he had already spent his birthday money. He would have had to try to prove his own sister had committed fraud or be sued for the money and potentially ended up with a CCJ against him at the age of 19 because of her irresponsibility.

Was he pressured by the family to pay off her debt rather than report her fraud?

chunkyjojo · 23/07/2012 18:27

YABU and your sister counds like a conniving piece of work, depressed or not. As for he should forgive and forget because you and your mum find it upsetting, that's pathetic. Do your family usually tip toe around your sister, making excuses for her behaviour? Sounds to me like you'd quite like to brush it all under the carpet for the sake of an easy life but why should your DBro go along with that??

Maybe I'm wrong but it reads like neither you or your mum have acknowledged to him that he has every right to feel angry, hurt and betrayed. Being told to forgive and forget must be infuriating and in his shoes I'd wonder why I was considered so much less important than my devious sister.

wertio · 23/07/2012 18:27

YABU and I suspect your brother will grow to hate you too, as you don't seem to care that your sister knicked his savings from him. What does he get from having a relationship with you and the rest of your family other than being robbed and then you expect him to bend over and accepted being royally shafted

Sallyingforth · 23/07/2012 18:28

I can guess what's in his mind.
The poor guy has been so hurt by all the family telling him to suck it up that he feels he ought to let her keep the money. It's like poison to him now and he doesn't want to touch it. It's very understandable.

Dprince · 23/07/2012 18:29

Op I notice you are not answering the difficult questions.
As in how comes she got behind with her rent, how come she now has money to save, has anyone seen this mystery money?
You only seem to come back and post when you think you can deflect blame from her is 'he won't take the money, he won't speak to her ' etc

TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 18:30

OP, it seems pretty obvious that he won't just 'forgive and forget', at least not now. What do you think needs to happen?

Viviennemary · 23/07/2012 18:31

And indirectly you and your mum are aiding and abetting fraud. Which is also against the law. You know about the fraud, the forged signature and the deception and have kept quiet and made your brother feel as if he is in the wrong. Cannot believe adults have acted in this way. Your poor brother.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 23/07/2012 18:31

I also can't help thinking, that he feels that by accepting the money she somehow pays off the debt and he's obliged to forgive her. Especially if you and your mother are putting the kind of pressure you are on him to do so. He has to do it on his own time, not because it upsets anyone else.

StuntGirl · 23/07/2012 18:31

YABVU.

Your brother on the other hand was VERY reasonable to pay it anyway and not report her for fraud. Poor lad. Your brother has had to deal with betrayal from his big sister and by the sounds of it total lack of support from you and your mum.

I hope your family ensure she pays every penny back.

Original poster

linioj · 23/07/2012 18:35

Dprince- I wasn't trying to question dodge, I'm just trying to MN and cook dinner at the same time.

She fell behind with the rent mainly I think because she went on a massive spending splurge mainly on a holiday in Moroccp and online bingo (I made her cancel her account) and she has cut out other luxuries and so is building up a surplus of cash.

Wertio- My brother does not hate me, in fact I'm meeting him for a drink at 8 (it was the main spur for this question).

OP posts:

DeWe · 23/07/2012 18:39

She forged his signature? And now you're blaming your brother.

It's all very well to be "remorseful and apologetic" when you've done it and caused all the problems, but what on earth she was doing in the first place. I suspect if he forgave and forgot she'd be doing it again.

She shouldn't just be returning the money. She should be returning it with compound interest-at the level a small loan would be, so not insubstantial interest. Probably with an "administration" fee too.

aiton · 23/07/2012 18:39

Crikey I thought some of my family were scumbags compared to the OPs they'll angelic. She is a thief and a calculating one by the sounds of it as she signed up the only member of the family who had any substantial savings by the sounds of it?

What does your dad think of it?

Sallyingforth · 23/07/2012 18:42

"Also if he hated her he wouldn't have paid it and would have had her evicted."

As guarantor he was legally liable for the debt and couldn't just refuse to pay. The only way he could have got out of paying would be to inform the police. He understood this and paid up to save his sister's career.

Your brother is a star. He and your DP are the only ones who come out of this with any credit at all.

StuntGirl · 23/07/2012 18:42

linioj You don't seem to have taken on board the unanimous YABU. You still think he should forgive and forget don't you?

HecateHarshPants · 23/07/2012 18:43

She has no right to forgiveness and you have no right to try to make him the bad guy for not being willing to forgive her.

Do you have any idea what she has done? How badly she has screwed him over?

If she was my sister -I'd have gone to the police. And I think a bank cashier with a conviction for fraud might have quite a problem. So instead of thinking your brother should forgive and forget, you should be thanking him for being kind enough to not go to the bloody police!

However. If she is wanting to pay him back and he is sending the money back, he is being stupid and cutting his nose off to spite his face.

You should advise your sister to make payments to a family member who can be trusted to NOT SPEND IT! Whoever that may be. Let your brother know that when he is ready to stop being silly about not taking the money, it will be there for him.

Perhaps he doesn't want to take it because he doesn't want more pressure from you lot to forgive her? - she's paid back the money, what's your problem? sort of crap?

HecateHarshPants · 23/07/2012 18:44

And do you understand that if he had 'just not paid it' he would have been chased for it? bailiffs, county court judgement. It would have affected his credit rating. He had no choice but to pay it.

AThingInYourLife · 23/07/2012 18:44

She went on a holiday to Morocco when she was short of money and she knew she had put her little brother on the hook for her rent?!

Wow, she really wanted to spend his "unearned" money.

RubyFakeNails · 23/07/2012 18:47

I think you need to show a lot of support to your brother tonight. Even if its not what you really feel (god knows why not) you should empathise with him and agree how bad it was, the levle of betrayal, how upset he must feel etc etc.

Your sister does sound extremely manipulative to have forged the signature of the only person who has some money and of someone who is younger and possibly less likely to stand up to her and say no. I think this was a calculated move.

Reading what she spent the money on makes me think your brother has even more right to feel furious. Holidays and bingo, not exactly essentials.

nolito · 23/07/2012 18:48

YABU she should be paying him back in full as well as being his cleaner/cook/taxi driver and any other duty he so decrees. Your attitude is particulary perplexing

pictish · 23/07/2012 18:49

I agree that your sister is very calculated, as Ruby there says.
A holiday and bingo? Really though.

Having said that - I do think that your brother's refusal to accept the money back is pretty stupid and obstinate too.

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