to want him to stop being so angry

[linioj]

My sister put my brother's details and forged his signature as her guarantor for rent (she suffers from depression). She fell behind on her rent and so he ended up liable and he did pay her rent using the savings he was given on his 18th birthday (this was back in March). He hasn't spoken to her since and everytime its brought he goes into a foul-mouthed rant about how he hates her.

I want him to let it go and forgive her because she has vowed to repay him and she has already started to put money aside to do this, the money he used was money given to him not money he had earnt and then saved. Also if he hated her he wouldn't have paid it and would have had her evicted.

DP says that I underestimate the level of betrayal (I know what she did was terrible) but it really upsets me and it is breaking my mums heart to see the level of hatred and contempt he has for her. I know I'm probably being U and he is only 19 but would it be too much for him to forgive and forget.

How did you get on lin?

YABVU if she lured him down an alley and got someone to beat him up and then she had robbed him, would you be saying the same thing? I know that seems a graphic example but that is really what she has done albeit in a more calculated way. He may never forgive her and frankly you have no idea about the level of betrayal. How old are you OP?

I don't think you are being that unreasonable and I say this who has been stolen from by family. Him not accepting some of the money back is ridiculous behaviour and is almost willing the saga to carry on for as long as possible. Similarly whipping himself up into a fit of rage which is upsetting his mother and sister is both immature and vindictive, what does he think this will achieve.

I don't blame him for being hurt and I certainly don't defend the sister's actions but he is not helping anyone with his current attitude and behaviour.

I agree vioul

The sister has done a bad thing. I have in no way condoned or sided with her on this thread....but I must agree with you.

The brother is being a cock as well. He can be unforgiving without spewing bile and cutting off his nose to spite his face wrt the money.

To me, he is behaving like a kid. He kind of is a kid...but not really.

Anyway - disengage from the situation, but keep collecting your sister's money to add towards the lump sum in full. Don't take sides. Don't get involved. If he starts, leave the room...if she starts, leave the room.

She done wrong, and it's only between them to let the dust settle. He is in danger of manipulating this to punish her forever though, and no matter what, that's never right.

Three months in, isn't that long given the gravity of her crime...but don't be an audience for his hatred either.

Disengage for now anyway.

In what way is the brother behaving like a cock? He's been robbed from and so has nothing but negative feelings for the sister. He probably won't accept the money because he knows if he does he'll pushed into "making up" with his grubby sister.

he needs space to work through her betrayal.

it doesn't help that you and your mum are pressuring him to forgive her. she's the one in the wrong, not him.

sounds like you're all making excuses for her. what she did was fraud.

OP I haven't read it all so I don't know how the thread turns out, but I have a family who want everyone to 'forgive and forget' at the expense of ANYTHING ever being sodding sorted out

So when I had an astonishing attack from a sister (long time ago now) who laid into me with no provocation about something I'd not even done - called me all sorts of names under the sun, told me no one in the family liked me, that I upset everyone and thought I was so superior.... I needed lots of support, frankly. I'd always believed her in the past but this was the first time I realised she was putting me down because she felt awful about herself. I needed siblings and parents to reassure me that no, I wasn't any of those thing she'd said and also no, I hadn't done any of those things she'd said, and above all, yes, she was unhappy but it wasn't anything to do with me.

What I got was "we don't fight in this family" and "I hate that everyone is so unhappy" and "can't you just let it go?"

NO, I bloody couldn't. I was deeply, deeply hurt, I'd been wronged and I wanted my feelings to be taken into account

Asking your brother to forgive and forget (in the long term) is reasonable. But to ask him to do it instead of to acknowledge how he feels and accept that he has every damn right to feel this way, because he has been wronged and betrayed and deeply hurt by what his sister did to him ... you asking him to sweep his feelings under the carpet and pretend everything is fine will not make this problem go away.

Of course you wish everything was the way it was before. I'm sure everyone does, at some level. But telling him he can't feel what he feels and he's not justified in feeling what he feels will NOT make it better. It will make him feel that no one supports him even though he's the injured party.

Please don't let your desire for 'everything to be alright' actually stop the healing process. And good luck.

(sorry that turned into a rant. I just wanted to point out that "we don't take sides" and "you both need to make up" is probably enraging/hurting your brother further, as it puts his hurt response to the betrayal in the same sphere as what was actually done to him. Which just isn't fair. I wouldn't let anyone else treat me that way, must I rush to pretend it's okay if a sibling does it? WHY?)

If I were him I wouldn't forgive her. She's completely in the wrong and you, OP, are disgraceful in the things you say. If you say them to him, expect him to hate you too.

I'm surprised the bank hasn't noticed that she's gambling. A friend of mine worked for a bank years ago and they would check on their employees' accounts, because the temptation to commit fraud if you're a gambler is absolutely massive.

People who make a big show of refusing to take sides when one person has royally screwed over another have picked their side.

There are few things as selfish as demanding that an injured party "move on" because it is inconvenienc

People who make a big show of refusing to take sides when one person has royally screwed over another have picked their side.

There is no neutral position between a person who has been wronged and the one who wronged them.

There are few things as selfish as demanding that an injured party "move on" because their hurt is inconvenient to you.

You brother probably needs somebody to acknowledge he has been wronged and sympathise with him before he can move on.

The lack of this is probably enraging him, as it would me.

I think your sister is in the wrong, depression or no depression,and needs to a) apologise profusely, without reserve, and b) pay him any spare cash she has, instead of this vague "putting money aside" which sounds like a lie TBH.

Stop defending her to him, it is really unfair. That money was his and whether he earned it, saved it or it was given to him, is none of your business and doesn't make it up for grabs.

So how did it go OP? Did you talk to our brother over drinks that night? Did you take ANY of this thread on board at all or are you still hoping it will all just nicely go away?

Just because your sister says she feels sorry doesn't mean that your brother is obliged to forgive her.

Ok understand that you get that yabu but really don't get your logic regarding the fact that he was given the money and so it's not as important. Following that same logic surely you should sell everything you have been given ever to repay him as you haven't worked or saved for them (wedding rings, engagement rings etc etc...). Do you see that your logic just does not work!