To think my brother and sister in law are bad parents?

[Oxygene]

Please tell me if i'm over reacting.
My BIL has two lads (13 & 14)and when we go to our MILs for Christmas, they do nothing from the minute they get up to the time they go to bed but play violent war games on the xbox. Not only is it totally anti social when your supposed to be visiting family but I don't agree that a 13 year old should be allowed to play violent and aggressive 18+ restricted games. You wouldn't allow your kids to watch porn would you?

They can't see any wrong in this. The only time they stop is to go the loo and have tea and even then they're texting while at the dinner table. The kids are rude and anti social. We went camping with them last year and I was shocked to see the eldest lad knocking back bottles of blue WKDs. The mum said it was ok so long as they drank with the family so it could be monitored and they could do it responsibly. So it's ok to break the law so long as it's done behind closed doors?

Their dad is now pushing the youngest boy into the caddets where he's allowed to vent off aggression and play with rifles. Fine, if you want to join the army when you're older but glamourising war and allowing kids to play with guns is something I can't agree with.

On one hand they are over strict with them but not where it matters. They've sent them to private school so they can get a strict education but they seem to be going off the rails and the parents just can't see where they're going wrong.

Live & let live I think hun, if they ask your opinion give it.. Everyone does things differently based on their life experiences & awareness of diversity etc. U care that's all! Means u r a good parent & person

Sorry but the more I rid the OP's posts the more I think Bollocks.

"sailing trips with the family", "sipping bubbley"

My teens usually have their noses in FB, MSN, phone, ipad, book, laptop. That's what teens do. They will have a conversation with granny for half an hour but then wander off for "quiet time" aka screen time.

Everything in moderation is my mantra. Plus don't sweat the small stuff.

Oxygene do your Nephews have an Xbox each or do they share one? as I would have to agree that 14 hours a day 5 days a week is excessive gaming.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Just because you saw them on the Xbox for 5 days does not mean that they are constantly on it all year round. I have 3x Ds 16, 13 & 9. We monitor what they play and for how long. The younger two have weeky time limits on the xbox the older manages his own time. However, considering they work hard at school and contribute to the household throughout the year I don't have a problem if they become a bit excessive on the Xbox at holiday periods. They are able to distinguish between real life and fantasy and know right from wrong.

I don't like texting at the table but it happens and whilst I wouldn't condone a whole box of alcopops I do think they have to learn to drink under our supervision. My eldest isn't interested, says it tastes horrible. By forbidding things you make them attractive.

Your remarks on the cadets are rather ridiculous. Why do you think people advocate the return of National Service? The cadets are associated with the armed services and as such provide a structured programme of activities for youngsters?

Most of what you describe I recognise as typical teen behaviour and when they get to that age you have to pick your battles.

I'm also interested to know how old your children are because if they are not yet teenagers then, when they are, if you're only issue is how long they spend on an Xbox you'll be laughing!

oxy it's not so much what you're saying as the fact that you are so judgemental about your own family. How well do you know your nephews? Did you invest in them at all when they were growing up? If they really have such terrible manners why is this bothering you now?

I think 3duracrll had s good idea. Spend some time with them. Presumably your brother had a similar upbringing to you?

They sound kind of nice to me. From what you've said.

To answer your question, yes you are over reacting. Mostly for the obvious reason that they arent your kids.

All the things you think are so terrible are being done with their parents consent and importantly their supervision.

I think as your own DC get older you'll realise it's a question of using your judgement to help them to be able to form their own judgement.

I'd be happy if my teens still wanted to be around over Christmas and come on holiday.

Texting at the table though. There'd be bloody murders

Don't you know the Mumsnet rules?? You HAVE to be achingly cool and laid back and call 'judgy pants' if someone has the temerity to witness worrying parenting!

OP I agree those games are inappropriate and potentiallydamaging for young teens. And I wouldn't encourage drinking either.

This coming from someone who had pretty much no boundaries when growing up and smoked, drank booze and went out with boys from the age of 12/13. NOT what I want for my kids.

I know that kids will get up to all sorts anyway and I accept they will be doing God knows what with their friends - I'm not going to kid myself about that or be so Victorian they want to rebel. But why would I/should I encourage it?

I agree you don't know what they are like in normal times and you can't stick your nose in. It's not your business - nor something you can do anything about.

But don't blame you for feeling judgey.

Cadets - not an issue, good discipline and team building with others

18+ games - some are probably not appropriate but 13/14 year olds vary greatly in maturity levels.

Hours of gaming/texting at table - unsociable & rude imo, even if it was only for a couple of days. They needed a break doing something else if it really was "from the minute they get up to the time they go to bed"

Drinking - 4 bottles of WKD over a whole evening at 14 is unsurprising. Not saying it's right either but is up to the parents and some prefer a teenager's experiments with alcohol to be in front of them rather than where they can't see.

My dc are not that old yet but already my parenting is not the same as I thought it would be through my rose tinted maternity & baby goggles!

Wait until your toddler is 14 and you will probably

Well it's not affecting my parenting skills but I do loathe going round to visit because the whole family is rude. Well not the whole family exact. Just my brother in law's family. He is just plain ignorant and sits there all through the holidays on his laptop or his phone and all the women want to do is watch films and drink wine so the entire time we're there the whole family are glued one way or another to a screen. I can't get more than a grunt out of the teenage lads and it just depresses me being around such people who's idea of a family get together is to let the kids play computer games all day while the rest sit there getting drunk, being equally as rude and anti social. It's so difficult just trying to get a conversation out of them. I don't think i've ever met people who are so detached from socialising at what is supposed to be a family get together. Same in the Summer holidays too. I spend most of the time playing with my son and making the excuse to take him out for some fresh air as after a while I just need to get out of the house. There's only so much I can stand of sitting around watching other people glued to a tv before i'm pulling my hair out. Is it really so hard to expect your children to make the effort to be sociable for a few days? I've even suggested playing party games to try to get some form of fun or social activity going but they're just not interested. I guess we're just not the same sort of people.

I can just imagine the reaction to "party games"
Oh this is almost funny now.

Perhaps they're on the Xbox and drinking because they're with their boring relatives?

my eldest has just earnt his marksman badge at NTC for shooting & yes he plays 18 games but he is a lovely lad,he helps out my neighbours with thier gardens,spent a day at college and loved it,hes gone out and got his own placement for work ex for october,hes in bed by 9.30 on a school night and has SN same with my other 3,they all play cod etc and has made them in bad kids or going around hurting others,they know its just a game,its not real.

no i dont allow them to play all day,i dont think your in laws are bad parents maybe just unsure what to do with teens .

I let my teenage son play 18 games and he's fine.

I did catch him once at the top of the bell-tower, wearing a clown mask and carrying an assault rifle, but he said he was on a secret mission for the Illuminati, so it was ok.

Doesn't sound ideal but before I had my baby I was full of things I would or would never do ... That all went out of the window when she arrived so best not judge unless you've been there (and even then).

"party games" for 13-14yo , can't see that trend taking of (laughs me socks right off).
When my teen nieces come round, we play band hero and Just Dance on the xbox-its quite good fun, you should try it

Hey, all you critics, get real.

I wouldn't mention it, but I'm not gonna pretend I wouldn't judge the parents for this sort stuff.

None of this is good stuff. I'm sure most of us, as parents, will have to suffer some of it at some point. But suffer is the word - it ain't good.

As others have said parenting teens is hard,much harder than I anticipated and I am still on a learning curve with my 17 year old who is currently pushing my buttons!. If you'd asked me 5 years ago would I have let them have these games I would have said no but that's life and things change, same with booze and letting them have a drink, they'll do it anyway even if you say no at home. To me it really was a matter of choosing a battle and as long as they're not confusing fantasy with reality or taking a spliff with a can of Special Brew in the park it's about compromise.

I spy with my little eye
An OP without teenage sons

Just guessing, but I bet I'm right.

My teenagers play games constantly and occasionally have alcohol with sunday lunch

Nothing wrong with cadets or private schools

The only points I agree with you is the age restriction on the games, and the use of phones during meals. And I don't think that being lax on these two points amounts to bad parenting.

Well, what do you expect two young teenage boys to do, cooped up at their Grandparents over Christmas? Coo with your baby? Make small talk with boring and judgmental aunts (that would be you) and uncles?

I think you also have no idea what the Cadets do.

Your posts smack of total ignorance.

my kids go off and play on ps3 when they have had enough at xmas etc,last few times when we have had all family here esp bil he ends upsetting the kids they tend to play game such as footy and ends up in a fight or him shouting at the kids if they walk past the tv or even board game ends up with someone upset drives me nuts and i try to get the kids to avoid it as they know what happens.

Christ OP I'm bored of your whining now so flip knows how those boys feel!

Well if the parents aren't being sociable then why should the children? I don't think board games would work at that age straight away if they aren't used to it. Seriously, get them on their own on your turf, say no txting at table but find some cool things to do (e.g. Go to the woods, if you can afford it send them on Go Ape (can't txt there either!) while you and ds run around the route). You may find that they respond to that much better and come Christmas you have a few co-conspiritors who are willing to break the family mold.

"maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour Mon 16-Jul-12 13:49:19
As soon as I read this I knew the op would be a mum to toddlers "

dad, I think