To think my brother and sister in law are bad parents?

[Oxygene]

Please tell me if i'm over reacting.
My BIL has two lads (13 & 14)and when we go to our MILs for Christmas, they do nothing from the minute they get up to the time they go to bed but play violent war games on the xbox. Not only is it totally anti social when your supposed to be visiting family but I don't agree that a 13 year old should be allowed to play violent and aggressive 18+ restricted games. You wouldn't allow your kids to watch porn would you?

They can't see any wrong in this. The only time they stop is to go the loo and have tea and even then they're texting while at the dinner table. The kids are rude and anti social. We went camping with them last year and I was shocked to see the eldest lad knocking back bottles of blue WKDs. The mum said it was ok so long as they drank with the family so it could be monitored and they could do it responsibly. So it's ok to break the law so long as it's done behind closed doors?

Their dad is now pushing the youngest boy into the caddets where he's allowed to vent off aggression and play with rifles. Fine, if you want to join the army when you're older but glamourising war and allowing kids to play with guns is something I can't agree with.

On one hand they are over strict with them but not where it matters. They've sent them to private school so they can get a strict education but they seem to be going off the rails and the parents just can't see where they're going wrong.

I thought the age ratings were parent guidelines rather than law. Same as films. shrugs

The kids cannot buy the games - it is against the law for them to be sold to anyone under the age on the game. But it is not illegal to let your kids play them.

You can unhoik your judgey pants now.

I think you are misjudging them tbh.

If they're spending as much time as you claim on the Xbox, then cadets is a brilliant idea. Lots of outdoor pursuits, bit of discipline.

I'd hazard a guess too that if they go to private school, they're doing a lot of sport there, as well as having a longer school day. You see them when they're on their downtime.

The WKD is a red herring. Would you be happier if they were drinking Chenin Blanc?

I think they are playing games at MILs because its Christmas and it keeps them quiet.
I dont like violent games and wouldnt allow my young teens to play them.
I personally wouldnt give my child drink but your SIL's explaination sounds feasible. Plenty of people think that way.
If the kids are going to private school it is very unlikely that they spend all day,every day playing video games. I would expect they have a fair bit of homework to do.
I am not keen on cadets but they certainly do NOT glamourise war and shooting. What an odd notion.

It sounds as if your DB and SIL are doing their best to manage certain behaviours and place limits on what they see as inevitable behaviour.

You sound quite unpleasant and are making judgements based on little actual knowledge.

HTH

Until one has teenagers it is difficult to know exactly how difficult they can be.

Someone told me once that teenagers were like toddlers. If this is the case I would be careful of judging parents whilst their children are going through these difficult years.

Also, I am completely for the cadets - the cadets teaches discipline and because they will be around kids their own age it will be good for socialisation skills.

The rest of their decisions may seem strange to you but I am sure that at some point you will make some decisions about your children that others will find strange.

Does not the law relating to video games cover the retailing of the same games, i.e. to what age group you can sell them? Does that make it illegal to let somebody play it in your home?

I know I have let dc watch DVDs with a higher rating from time to time when I judged it appropriate- especially since we spend time in two countries and the rating is seriously different; dc otoh do not magically change the moment they cross the border. So it's still my job as a parent to judge what is appropriate and that may change from child to child.

I have been refused the right to buy certain CDs because I had a pre-teen by my side and the shopkeeper (quite correctly) judged that I might be buying it for her. But the same songs were on the radio every day- and presumably having the radio on in your own house is not illegal, regardless of the age of the youngest inhabitant. So I deduce that the age limits are primarily there for regulating the retail industry and providing guidelines, not regulation, for my parenting.

Although I have a problem with the nature of the games, I don't think it's particularly antisocial for the children to be playing it all day on Xmas day TBH. If you can't play your new computer game for several hours on Christmas day, when can you? It's their Christmas as well as the adults, after all.

I wouldn't allow my DC to text during Christmas dinner though and I do find that sort of behaviour very rude in people of all ages, unless it's to do with important matters that won't wait (like urgent business deals or a family illness, etc).

Have we established that the op has a 2yo pfb yet?

suggest lego as a playtime alternative .

could be worse they could be watchin porn not been done at my house .

Hahahahaha

I for one don't know a single teenage boy who doesn't play COD, Halo, FIFA or Football Manager. The new COD-Black Ops is out in November and I will be buying it for my boys.My friends and myself aren't bad Parents and our kids seem normal and well behaved, choose your battles is what I say.

The op does indeed have a pfb, was on a thread with him few days ago

Op.... I'm with you on the constant phone activity though, especially at the table

Oh gosh a 14yo playing GOW, and having a drink with the supervision of parents and texting. YANBU call ss immediately

It's not my style of parenting, but none of it's wildly unusual these days. And I'd be quite surprised if the cadets encourages them to "play with" guns -- far more likely to give them a greater appreciation of the safety and responsibility issues. In fact if they are already playing war games that glamorise and trivialise war then joining the cadets (if it's a well-run group) could be a very useful corrective.

And before you start going on about what the law is, you might want to inform yourself. As already noted, it's perfectly legal for parents to give alcohol to children 5 and over, and it ISN'T, actually, law that 14 year old kids shouldn't play games like 'gears of war'. It's illegal for a shop to sell the games to them but it's perfectly legal for anyone else (parent, relative, friend) to give the games to a child (provided it isn't "for reward" or "in the course or furtherance of a business"), and it's perfectly legal for a child to play them. As I said, not at all my parenting style and I won't be buying them for my DCs or letting them play them at home, but there's nothing at all illegal about it.

I would find texting during Christmas dinner rude too, but have to admit that the only person who does that in our family is my 53yo brother- and no, my parents haven't been able to wean him off the habit. Middle-aged men today just get way too many liberties imho....

I just think there are other things the parents could do with them to be more sociable rather than allow them to be glued to a games consol for 5 days solid. They stay all week so it's not just one day it's every day, all day, all week. I just don't think it's healthy to allow kids to play violent war (or any games) for that amount of time. Yes it's Christmas holidays but why does that make it acceptable? Can't people just be sociable instead of having to be glued to their mobile phones or a games consol 24/7. Those kids are being allowed far too much freedom to do as they please.

Under normal circumstances i'd agree with the cadets being great to get them outside doing activities but they are already showing signs of aggression and violence and their mum has voiced her concerns after an incident at school and I just want to say, 'well, what do you expect!' If he's already becoming quite aggressive do you honestly think the cadets is a good idea?

As for the bottles of wkd, this lad worked his way through a box of them to the point he was staggering and giggling about the campsite. His mum told him not to have anymore as he was 'starting to act silly and it was time for bed.' Personally I don't think that's teaching him to to be responsible at all. I don't care if it IS under parent supervision.

Agreed it's none of my business but that doesn't stop me from thinking it's wrong.

Cadets = fine. Can't wait to send DS1 there.

Falling down drunk & lots of violent video games to exclusion of socialising at all at family events = pants.

Interested enough in their education to send private = Probably Good (disclaimer, not saying state is bad choice, mine go to state even though we could afford private!).

Sound kind of average parents to me. Some parts good, some ok, some poor.

Hoi, OP, You're over-reacting.

DS1 and DN2 are that age and more than likely to spend hours getting stuck into a new game during the holidays, they have been known to have a drink at family gatherings too, but I'm totally with you on texting while at the table!

Having done Cadets at school, the main thing they teach you with guns is how to use them safely. You have to demonstrate you know the safety checks (NSPs, I think it was called) etc. before you are allowed near one with amunition in them. I haven't handled a gun in 20 years now, but I could still do a safety check on the ones we used, and I think I could strip and clean one too. We did occasional shooting, but it was under very controlled supervision. I was quite a good shot.

Great discipline for them too.

Umm its typical teenage stuff really imo.
Obviously they shouldn't be rude though, as that is wrong.
If parents are too stricked the child will just rebel, i think its better to allow alchol and these games than them being out using real guns and getting paraletic on the streets.

How much time do you spend with your DNephews?

What they do at Christmas (when they're off school for the holidays and the atmosphere in a home is different, IMO) is not necessarily what they're doing all the time?

X post, Cadets will shape him him, believe me, their leaders are incredibly strict & ultra-responsible. Very much about channeling any aggressive instincts quite productively.

Those judgey pants must really hurt, they are pulled so tight up your ass.

It's not against the law for them to play those games. It's against the law for them to be sold those games.

You've already been told about the alcohol.

So basically, you just disapprove. Has nothing to do with law. Just you.

You are entitled to disapprove. It does not make them bad parents. Just different parents from you.

Guess what? They found the centre of the universe and you're not it!

Xbox games don't make boys violent. The incentive to be violent is already there in the child, my opinion only of course .