To think my brother and sister in law are bad parents?

[Oxygene]

Please tell me if i'm over reacting.
My BIL has two lads (13 & 14)and when we go to our MILs for Christmas, they do nothing from the minute they get up to the time they go to bed but play violent war games on the xbox. Not only is it totally anti social when your supposed to be visiting family but I don't agree that a 13 year old should be allowed to play violent and aggressive 18+ restricted games. You wouldn't allow your kids to watch porn would you?

They can't see any wrong in this. The only time they stop is to go the loo and have tea and even then they're texting while at the dinner table. The kids are rude and anti social. We went camping with them last year and I was shocked to see the eldest lad knocking back bottles of blue WKDs. The mum said it was ok so long as they drank with the family so it could be monitored and they could do it responsibly. So it's ok to break the law so long as it's done behind closed doors?

Their dad is now pushing the youngest boy into the caddets where he's allowed to vent off aggression and play with rifles. Fine, if you want to join the army when you're older but glamourising war and allowing kids to play with guns is something I can't agree with.

On one hand they are over strict with them but not where it matters. They've sent them to private school so they can get a strict education but they seem to be going off the rails and the parents just can't see where they're going wrong.

Sounds like fairly normal teenage behaviour to me. At least if they're playing xbox all day, they're not hanging around on street corners frightening old ladies. Or getting drunk in the park and frightening the tots. Their parents know where they are and what they're up to. That's more than can be said for a lot of teenagers' parents.

YABU and very judgmental.

They probably keep themselves permanently entertained so they don't have to speak to you, tbh.

Cadets are brillant and is encouraged to keep 'on the rails'.

As long as they are doing their school coursework that they need to, they are past an age that they need supervising whilst gaming.

It is their holiday when you see them.

I allow my children to drink and have done at that age. Age appropriate is a grey area during the teen years and parents should have choice, rather than just ban everything not deemed suitable for under 18's.

See I get really pissed off with twats posters like the OP. I have a 14 year old DS who plays Xbox games and is allowed a small beer at Christmas. He is not the spawn of satan or Lucifer incarnate but a nice kid (although occasionally grumpy) who has nice mates. He helps look after his siblings, can cook a meal, does a paper round to fund his ridiculous spending habbits and gets decent grades in school. Most of his mates are much the same, yet they all face a very uncertain future with huge student debt, poor job prospects and about as much chance of buying property as I have of winning Miss World. back off with your judging OP, you clearly are hell bent on judging your nephews who probably think your a snotty nosed uptight old cow of an aunt.

what would you rather they be doing at a family christmas gathering?

A game of scrabble in front of the fireplace perhaps whilst having a cup of coco?

Its more a case of lazy parenting than bad parenting. The parents appear to have opted out of responsible parenting instead choosing to send them to a strict school and not interfering when they are quiet and playing on the x-box. Its a pattern of non-parenting currently happening in thousands of families. Next step the cadettes - maybe someone else can teach them a thing or two cos the parents clearly cannot be arsed.

They're probably bored witless at Xmas, most teens really don't want to socialize with anyone except other teens. Many of my cousins' kids were the same. They just about manage to mutter a greeting and that's it. When they get to 17 or 18 they seem to have turned into nice, intelligent, articulate people! I've seen it time after time; there are a few who were exceptional, but the teens who were inarticulate and unsociable are just the same now as the ones who weren't, you'd never know there'd been a difference if you hadn't witnessed it.

You have no idea what the booze intake is under normal circumstances, and it may be that the parents may think that if their kids experience hangovers and all the crap side of alcohol while they're young, that they will be responsible drinkers when they're older. There may be a plan! Have you asked?

The cadets is a generally good thing. DD has rejected the opportunity, but I wouldn't object if she'd joined (dh would though!). It is not just playing soldier! There's a lot more to it.

I don't have a problem with the alcohol, but it should me in more moderation, also the cadets might be useful, however the x-box games probably aren't so useful if as you say there have already been behavioural issues, and if the mother is moaning about his behaviour then maybe she could do more to influence which games they play.

Unqualified as my oldest is only 7, but I do get my judgy pants on when one of her classmates and his 4yr old sister are playing 18cert games and being aggressive at school. If you do have a 2yr old you might find some of the things even primary school children do eye opening.

I think it's hilarious how so many people think it's such bad manners and wrong to text at the dinner table yet thing it's ok to play violent computer games for 14 hours a day for 5 days solid and neck a box of wkd whilst on holiday to the point the lad had a job to even stand up straight and was slurring his speech. Sorry I really don't know how many was in the box as I wasn't paying much attention. I was just shocked that he was allowed to get half cut and the mother tried to justify it by saying it's fine so long as he's here with us. I know a woman who does the same thing at home with her 14 year old daughter with a bottle of neat vodka and makes the same lame, pathetic excuse. It's ok to get shitfaced on Smirnoff whilst sitting at home as i'm here to watch her. Thing is, the mother has a job to even look after herself so where do you draw the line?

Yes, I have a toddler so not got experience in bringing up teenage boys but all the same I still have my standards and know what i'd expect from my kids and compare this with how I was allowed to behave when I was a teenager. I know for sure that I would never have been allowed such liberties and i've been brought up to respect people and be polite so it never did me any harm. Yes, I was allowed time on the computer but 2 hours a day max. For the rest of the time I was out doing outdoor activities or going on walking or sailing trips with the family and we were sociable not anti social. When I was a teenage lad I was out playing football or on bikes with my friends. Don't teenagers do this anymore? Does the teenage life evolve around sitting on facebook, glued to a phone or sitting on a games consol. The only way they seem to know how to talk to one another these days is through a computer. Who'se to blame for that? Occasionally as a mature teenager I was allowed a glass of bubbley with a meal but not sit there down the entire bottle or working my way through an entire box.

Perhaps i'm just being old fashioned.

YANBU. Most of the games they're playing will be over-18s; there's no way in any case that they should be spending hours and hours on them; all phones should be put away at the dinner table; and there is an absolute world of difference between a heavily-watered-down glass of wine at a family dinner (how most of the civilised world learns to drink alcohol) and hideous high-alcohol alcopops.

If you're old-fashioned, so am I. I have no idea how on earth we got to the point where so many people think you are BU.

On the other hand, it doesn't necessarily mean your DB and SIL are bad parents; they may just be doing what they can for a quiet life so the full TEENAGE FURY doesn't unleash itself among the extended family, thus ruining visits. It may be quite different at home.

Op tabby to think your bro and SIL have some dodgy parenting techniques but you will get loads of defensive posts from people who think that teens acting like this is fine

It's not fine, it's lazy parenting

Well when your child is that age, you'll get the chance to try doing it your way. Until then I'd seriously advise saving your energy, it's really odd to be getting so upset about other people's teenagers when it doesn't affect you and there isn't much you can do about it.

Of course teenagers still ride bikes and play football, and talk to each other face to face .

Slurring and unable to stand up.

Did he whip out his air rifle and threaten to pop a cap in yo ass too?

This started with a bit of game playing, some teenage surliness and texting.

The less people agree that your ILs are 'bad parents' the more torrid the tale becomes.

pfft.

As soon as I read this I knew the op would be a mum to toddlers

My phone turned yanbu into 'tabby' for some reason!

Yanbu op

Op. - wait till you are under pressure from your 9 yr old to play these games never mind teenagers. I'd say most teenage boys are playing these games, it really isn't unusual at all, even though I don't like or agree with it. Not good to be drinking a lot of course but the cadets is a positive influence for kids. Taking you kids to other people's houses to stay is stressful. You don't always do what you would do at home and you often do whatever to keep them happy and quiet.

You really don't seem to have much imagination as to how teens are and how difficult it can be to parent them.

Whether they are bad parents or not is none of your business, but when it gets to the point that you feel your parenting is being compromised or challenged it becomes an issue.

It would be more of a problem if your DCs were neared in age. You are happy with your parenting choices- no war games or alcohol, and the cousins are out of age range to be a bad influence.

I really would not worry about their upbringing, but avoid being with them around your DCs as they get older.

Should have said 4 + 7 yr old playing 18 cert games are at a naice M/C school!

Why don't you invite just the boys down (without parents) for a weekend or a few days in the holidays. They will probably enjoy playing in woods, going to a castle, or swimming (can't txt in the pool) etc with your toddler, and your toddler will love it. They will probably be fairly civil as you aren't their parent and maybe if they have enough fun then next Christmas you might even manage to get them to come out with Aunty Oxygene for an explore in some woods. My nephew at that age always seemed a bit distant in his room when we visited, but when he stayed with us for the weekend he enjoyed himself away from the usual distractions.

I find texting at the dining table to be rude and unacceptable and don't allow it yet my children enjoy the Xbox and aren't rude and aggressive, what is hilarious about that?.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting was your opening line and you appear aggrieved that people are telling you exactly that.

I knew OP would be childless or have toddlers too maytheodds.

OP wait until you have teenagers before you put the judgy pants on please.

Parenting teens is another ball game- the parents will have made a deal that they come to the family Christmas and in return can play computer games. I'm sure they'd rather be at home and hanging out with friends.

OP back off, you sound horrendous. My SIL is like this and treats my teens as if they are toddlers. We don't visit any more.

mabe lazy parenting but not bad parents.
everyone enjoys diffrent things out of life.

DD2 has been sharing a house at university this year (Oxford) where the student who got the top First in his year last year spends every spare moment playing on his X Box together with the two other boys in the house. They also get horribly drunk. They do take some time out for tutorials though - but apparently not very much.

Two of my teenage boys spend loads of time on the X Box. They like it. One is also an air cadet. I don't think I'm a bad parent on the strength of that alone. At least I'm not a nag and a bore.

Op I see I was right about the age of your child

Fwiw I agree with a lot of what you're saying. I don't allow my dc to play age inappropriate games or watch films rated too old for them. I don't allow phones at the table. I limit the amount if screen time they have. And I don't allow them to sit glued to a game when we have visitors. They most certainly won't be getting "shit faced" in my care but I believe that a responsible parent helps teach their kids to drink sensibly.

Those are the principles I chose to apply to my kids. No doubt you will impose similar rules on yours.

What I don't do is think it is any of my business to impose my rules on other peoples kids. Or judge and huff around about other peoples standards. It is a most unattractive trait and one that is absolutely bound to bite you hard on the arse.

Wait till you've walked a mile in other peoples shoes before you get your judges knickers in a twist

dahlen

and yes you are very old fashioned.