To think my brother and sister in law are bad parents?

[Oxygene]

Please tell me if i'm over reacting.
My BIL has two lads (13 & 14)and when we go to our MILs for Christmas, they do nothing from the minute they get up to the time they go to bed but play violent war games on the xbox. Not only is it totally anti social when your supposed to be visiting family but I don't agree that a 13 year old should be allowed to play violent and aggressive 18+ restricted games. You wouldn't allow your kids to watch porn would you?

They can't see any wrong in this. The only time they stop is to go the loo and have tea and even then they're texting while at the dinner table. The kids are rude and anti social. We went camping with them last year and I was shocked to see the eldest lad knocking back bottles of blue WKDs. The mum said it was ok so long as they drank with the family so it could be monitored and they could do it responsibly. So it's ok to break the law so long as it's done behind closed doors?

Their dad is now pushing the youngest boy into the caddets where he's allowed to vent off aggression and play with rifles. Fine, if you want to join the army when you're older but glamourising war and allowing kids to play with guns is something I can't agree with.

On one hand they are over strict with them but not where it matters. They've sent them to private school so they can get a strict education but they seem to be going off the rails and the parents just can't see where they're going wrong.

No mamma. I hardly ever go on like this. I just needed to vent. Ok forget it.

Venting's good!

Sorry i'm just going through a bad time. I'm worried that if anything happens to my parents, my wife will be pressured to move back near to her family. I hate it where they live and the thought of being close to those awful people fills me with dread. My mum has first signs of dementia and dad might have prostrate cancer. He's been for tests today and he's refusing to talk to me about it. I've been so worried all week. Without my mum and dad this is all I have left. I don't have any other family. My DW and DS is all I have here. Is it enough to keep her here? I don't know.

Sorry oxy ignore me, I'm being a cow. Vent away. If its any consolation DH and I both end up tearing our hair out at respective families and their eccentricities.
Sorry - please vent away!!

Cross posts - So sorry to hear your having a bad time - try to look after yourself and your parents and family.
Just remember you don't have to do anything - try not to preempt any move nearer your in laws. It may never even be an issue.

Sounds like typical teenage boys to me.

vent away Oxygene

Oxygene, I'm sorry about your parents. Prostate cancer can be sorted if it's caught early. Dementia can be slowed down if it's caught early. Don't be too downhearted until you know more.

Vis a vis moving nearer to your ILs, remember that you, your wife and child are a family so major decisions should be discussed and agreed by both your wife and you. If you can't bear to move to a particular place, or think you will be very miserable there, then surely she won't expect you to?

You have given me the impression that your wife gets a bit, um, tired of being with her family too? Why do you think she might want to move back there? Does she hate it where you are atm?

My dh is a worrier. He is simply not happy if he's not got something to worry over (his mum was worse). This leads him into 'making things up' to worry about. It's not really making things up, I know, but sometimes the things he worries about are so outlandish, improbable and (frankly) pointless, that they may as well be made up. You seem like a worrier too. I'm not trying to be nasty to you, I promise, though it may seem like it for which I apologise.

I hope your parents are both OK, and I hope you find a way of resolving the problem of where you might live in the future, in partnership with your dw.

You could ask her if it's something lurking in her mind; she may set your mind at rest immediately. Presumably though, there is no immediate need to move, so in a way you are making up problems. Talk to your wife about it, not least so she knows your feelings way ahead of time and it won't take her by surprise.

Oxy-My dad did similar when he was undergoing tests for prostrate cancer, it's tough isn't it? I'd rather know and be prepared but his way of coping was to play everything very close to his chest. Have you talked to your wife? how does she feel about living near her family? Maybe your wife feels like you do?

Sorry to hear things are rough, talk to your wife about your fears. I know it's hard but try to live each day at a time and not catastrophise about the future. It's rarely as good as you hope or as bad as you fear!

Best wishes.

OP sorry your parents are having to deal with such monumental health problems.

But regardless of how you feel about your inlaws, they ARE your wife's family. If my DH went on like this about my family, I'd be livid. And lose a lot of respect for my DH as well. Nobody's family is perfect.

People today seem so obsessed with living their lives on social networking sites that I think people are losing the ability to socialise and show common courtesy to one another.

I'm sorry about your parents, I know you must be very worried as I've experience of cancer in close family.

You must let the IL'S and computer games thing go now. The best you can do is shorten visits to the duration that you can cope with, and do your own thing while there, especially as it sounds as though there is little of interest to a small child. This also reduces exposure to the computer games and less desirable behaviour of older DC. Accept you'll never change the people that they are, and while you don't agree with their manners or parenting you can devise coping strategies. If that means sticking your nose in a book or going out to the swings, so be it. Let your wife go to visit without you sometimes if she wants to. She may just want to see her mum and dad occasionally with or without siblings and their partners. Consider also that when all the family members are together at MIL's, they may be there because it's expected, and they get a meal made for them, and getting drunk and distractions like TV and texting are an excuse not to have to talk. The fact that they don't even chat during meals makes me think that none of them get on particularly well.

I doubt she will want to move back to that area if she is happy where you are now, but Triggles makes a really important point that if you consistently keep on putting her family down she will get sick of it, and it will cause a rift between you. At this time you need her support to be strong for your parents. You may also have a good case for staying at home for Christmas this year, or having it with your parents because of their health issues.

You must talk with your wife about this and come to some kind of compromise about visits. Look around for places of interest and things to do with your DC near the IL's so that you can have a day out and enjoy yourselves. Perhaps your wife could let them know that you as a family won't be staying at home with them all the time, perhaps the GP's would like to come on your day trip too? No? Oh well never mind.

Do you see what I'm getting at? You can change a negative experience of visiting to a positive one for you and your family.