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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother and sister in law are bad parents?

337 replies

Oxygene · 16/07/2012 11:39

Please tell me if i'm over reacting.
My BIL has two lads (13 & 14)and when we go to our MILs for Christmas, they do nothing from the minute they get up to the time they go to bed but play violent war games on the xbox. Not only is it totally anti social when your supposed to be visiting family but I don't agree that a 13 year old should be allowed to play violent and aggressive 18+ restricted games. You wouldn't allow your kids to watch porn would you?

They can't see any wrong in this. The only time they stop is to go the loo and have tea and even then they're texting while at the dinner table. The kids are rude and anti social. We went camping with them last year and I was shocked to see the eldest lad knocking back bottles of blue WKDs. The mum said it was ok so long as they drank with the family so it could be monitored and they could do it responsibly. So it's ok to break the law so long as it's done behind closed doors?

Their dad is now pushing the youngest boy into the caddets where he's allowed to vent off aggression and play with rifles. Fine, if you want to join the army when you're older but glamourising war and allowing kids to play with guns is something I can't agree with.

On one hand they are over strict with them but not where it matters. They've sent them to private school so they can get a strict education but they seem to be going off the rails and the parents just can't see where they're going wrong.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 16/07/2012 11:42

Sounds normal. What law are they breaking? Confused

sugarice · 16/07/2012 11:44

Why are they going off the rails?

Lottapianos · 16/07/2012 11:45

They sound awful Oxygene -both parents and kids but it's hard to blame the kids as they can't set their own boundaries. Sounds like they are allowed to do whatever they like whenever they like and that is really not doing them any favours long-term. Is the war games just a handy way of 'babysitting' them so it makes life easier for their parents? If so, I think it's downright neglectful actually.

dollywashers · 16/07/2012 11:46

It's not how you choose to parent your children and it's not how I parent but ultimately it's not really your business is it.

Original poster
Oxygene · 16/07/2012 11:48

Underage drinking. As far as i'm aware you can only drink under parents supervision over the age of 16 and when out isn't it supposed to be with a meal? I've nothing against teenagers who have a glass of wine with a meal but it's not responsible when he's staggering about a camp site with a bottle of alcopops in his hand at the age of 14.

OP posts:
CadleCrap · 16/07/2012 11:48

IME Cadets does not glamourise war and the kids are certainly not allowed to "play with guns". They may do some rifle shooting but in a very controled and responsible environment.

YABU

I'm sure you will be a perfect parent and your children will be little angels.

holyfishnets · 16/07/2012 11:49

I used to work with lads like this and it is a shallow, unhealthy, unbalanced, isolating and meaningless way of living.

I think it they just used age appropriate games for a couple of hours each day it would be fine. Especially if the games were counter balanced with energetic sports, interesting family and friends based activities, various hobbies, coffees and chatting together, films etc ..

No idea what you can do or say to IL's sorry. Some people seem to think this kind of life is normal.

manicbmc · 16/07/2012 11:51

Alcohol may be consumed over the age of 5 with parental supervision. It is over 16 if bought by an adult and consumed with a meal in a restaurant.

I'd imagine there is nothing illegal about parents giving a 14 year old a bottle of something in a campsite.

CadleCrap · 16/07/2012 11:52

Kids between 5 and 17 are allowed to drink at home with parental permission.

Kaluki · 16/07/2012 11:52

Why is it your problem?
I don't agree with the war games and constant gaming although I can't see the harm in sensible drinking within a family setting. I would rather my dc learnt to drink responsibly while in the house rather than see them go out and get shitfaced and fall into the gutter like I see so many kids doing on a Friday night in our town. Kids will experiment with drink - fact. I would rather they learnt their limits in a safe environment where they won't be harmed. As for the cadets - well if the boy wants to do it then again its safe and controlled and not going to hurt him.
BUT all that is my opinion and how I bring up my dc. I don't expect everyone to agree with me but its none of their business is it?

elizaregina · 16/07/2012 11:52

I dont agree at all with exposing young children to violent games, I saw one once and it took my breath away and made me feel depressed ( a stabbing one), however - I can remeber playing mamoth monopoloy games at that age around boring adults! Maybe they think your all boring and dont want to engage with you - as long as they are engaging with freinds....it seems quite normal behaviour to me for children of that age, aside from the drinking!

Emandlu · 16/07/2012 11:53

You can have alcohol from the age of 5. His parents are not breaking the law by letting them have a drink on holiday.

Christmas is a holiday, if they wish to spend it playing games on the xbox, then why not? Granted I wouldn't let my kids play war games, but then it's up to them what they are happy with letting their kids do.

Cadets is not what you think it is. Actually look into it before you pass judgement.

Until you've had teenagers don't judge parents of teenagers. It's like non-parents being all hoity toity about babies!

So in shourt YABVU

Emandlu · 16/07/2012 11:54

in short not in shourt.

MrsCarriePooter · 16/07/2012 11:55

The law on underage drinking is outside the home 16+ year olds can have a drink with a meal - but there's no law on having it at home (ie would be covered by your camping thing by the sound of it as it sounds like you were at the campsite rather than out?).

I don't think anyone is asking you to "agree with" the cadets - but it really is none of your business and might do a world of good in any case for the boys you describe (it's not video games for a start, is it?).

You don't make them sound very likeable and I agree non-age appropriate video games are grim. You may not like spending time with the family (and I don't blame you) but there are definitely worse parents out there.

Lucyellensmum99 · 16/07/2012 11:56

he would have had beans with his WKD im sure so its perfectly legal.

None of us are perect parents, i thought you were going to come on and say they smacked their kids or something. Personally i'd curtail the xbox at the inlaws but then its boring for kid visiting relatives, so why not let the kids occupy thmselves while the adults get to have a chat.

Figgygal · 16/07/2012 11:57

Although I don't like what they are doing have you not seen them since Xmas? If not a couple of days experience of them seems a little judgemental to name them bad parents!!

Original poster
Oxygene · 16/07/2012 11:57

Ok well it might not be law but it's hardly responsible allowing your kids to get tiddley on sweet sugary booze. It IS however law that 14 year old kids shouldn't play games like 'gears of war.'

It's certainly not my idea of parenting but then again I think kids today get way too many liberties. It seems anything for an easy life with some parents.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/07/2012 11:58

Just out of interest, how old are your kids? Is it possible they're, well, just being annoying teenagers and you notice it more because yours are at a different stage?

It does sound anti-social to be playing war games but the fact you 'don't agree' is irrelevant. Obviously your brother doesn't see it the same way. I would agree with you but I know lots of people who would see cadets as a fun thing to do and get them doing something that is active and organized, rather than sitting around the house playing video games. Not everyone is a pacifist.

sugarice · 16/07/2012 11:59

Xbox war games are very addictive, I have 3 ds's and can vouch for that especially when they're on Live with their mates. Balancing out the time spent on them with doing other non xbox stuff is essential.The texting at the table would drive me absolutely insane as would the boozing,WKD is vodka based isn't it?. I would suggest that there's little you can do however as they're not your children, hope they don't really go off the rails.

adeucalione · 16/07/2012 12:00

They may not play video games to that extent at home, just at family gatherings that can be very dull for teens. As it was Christmas, maybe they had just had a new game?

I wouldn't expose my child to 18 cert games but if you are talking about Call of Duty then I do think it is absolutely usual for 13/14 yo boys to play that particular game and, having seen it, I don't think it is that bad really.

DH went to cadets and absolutely loved it - the legacy includes being really really good and ironing so I have benefitted enormously.

I suspect that your views will soften slightly once your DC are that age.

KatherineKavanagh · 16/07/2012 12:01

Cadets is not like you describe.... It really isn't. My ds has to be super organised, has learnt many skills..... First aid, map and compass, personal fitness and development. Helps out at public events....and..... Have you seen how precise their ironing and boot polishing needs to be??

How can you judge? You have got so much wrong..

Hassled · 16/07/2012 12:02

Are the boys happy and healthy? The parents have made a judgement call re the games - and we all make judgement calls, even if it's about the age a child can play outside unattended, or the age a child can walk home from school. Parents make these calls all the time - and we all have different ideas re what's acceptable. It's not your concern and it doesn't mean they're going to end up as psychopaths.

garlicbutter · 16/07/2012 12:03

OP, perhaps you could post about how the boys spend their time at this strict school of theirs. If it turns out they're spending ALL their time on the xbox, it may be cause for concern.

If not, they're playing. You know, what kids do in the school holidays.

Dahlen · 16/07/2012 12:04

Cadets is probably a good experience for the teen because it will teach him the seriousness of guns rather than glamorising them. The games I disagree with quite strongly though. That's a lot of hours to be putting into it.

The drinking is a tricky one. When you say 'knocking back bottles' how many do you mean? Multiple bottles is a case of poor parenting IMO. On the continent, where children routinely drink with meals, it is wine rather than alcopops, which you don't knock back like squash and so learn to drink more moderately and responsibly. the British fascination with alcopops has a strong relationship with our unique culture of binge drinking (though it's always been a peculiarly British thing as far back as the celts apparently - the romans were quite disgusted by it! Grin).

NarkedRaspberry · 16/07/2012 12:04

Do you have children?