To think my brother and sister in law are bad parents?

[Oxygene]

Please tell me if i'm over reacting.
My BIL has two lads (13 & 14)and when we go to our MILs for Christmas, they do nothing from the minute they get up to the time they go to bed but play violent war games on the xbox. Not only is it totally anti social when your supposed to be visiting family but I don't agree that a 13 year old should be allowed to play violent and aggressive 18+ restricted games. You wouldn't allow your kids to watch porn would you?

They can't see any wrong in this. The only time they stop is to go the loo and have tea and even then they're texting while at the dinner table. The kids are rude and anti social. We went camping with them last year and I was shocked to see the eldest lad knocking back bottles of blue WKDs. The mum said it was ok so long as they drank with the family so it could be monitored and they could do it responsibly. So it's ok to break the law so long as it's done behind closed doors?

Their dad is now pushing the youngest boy into the caddets where he's allowed to vent off aggression and play with rifles. Fine, if you want to join the army when you're older but glamourising war and allowing kids to play with guns is something I can't agree with.

On one hand they are over strict with them but not where it matters. They've sent them to private school so they can get a strict education but they seem to be going off the rails and the parents just can't see where they're going wrong.

OP, it may cause an argument with your wife, but I wouldnt mind betting the rest of the family would breathe a sigh of relief that the snobby BIL with the disapproving superior attitude and a rod up his arse isnt coming.

oxy you're sat here on a PC arguing with a laod of strangers that you don't know and will never meet.

What on earth are you doing here?

op, I agree non stop x box and a drunk 14 yr old isn't what I think is acceptable, or what I want for my dc's

but there's not much you can do other than grin and bear it

or maybe ask the 14 yr old for some of his booze and mellow out?

the in laws sound murder and you don't sound like a barrel of laughs yourself

The last person who told me that they were very well behaved as a youngster was insistant that this was the case strangely enough their parents didn't agree

I think the link between violent games and violent behaviour in teens is due to a physiological response; in some players the adrenaline levels become quite high over a sustained gaming period due to the excitement, like the fight or flight reflex. They enjoy the rush which is highly pleasurable and makes them want to keep playing.

They find it hard to calm down afterwards, and it can take some time, a couple of hours even. In some individuals but not all, during this high excitement they are more prone to argue and pick fights, especially when combined with a lack of sleep (due to late night gaming) and a lack of temper control (usual in a lot of teens.) There are some people of all ages who do become addicted to gaming just as there are some who become addicted to alcohol or gambling, certainly not all.

Chances are that your nephew's aggression is due to his own chip on shoulder and inverted snobbery learned from his parents and relatives, I reckon if someone so much as looks at him he thinks they're challenging him in some way. Maybe he's not happy with a bunch of posh kids.

Look OP ... You don't like them, you resent spending time with them and by the sounds of it they're blind to your obvious charms, so why bother?

Either drop in for the afternoon and just grit your teeth until hometime or invent some work emergency and let your wife go on her own. Even if they do get the hump with you ( which doesn't sound likely ) why would you care as you don't sound as if their opinion matters to you at all.

This whole thread is sounding like a game of Why-Don't-You-Yes-But so if we all agree that they're swineish losers and you're a saint can we stop?

It really does sound awful for you and it sounds as though they hate it too.the whole thibg sounds utterly pointless

Ok, I haven't read all the posts but this is my advice.

oxygene. Whether your DB and DSIL are good or bad parents doesn't matter. It may matter to them and to their children but it shouldn't matter to you. You should just tell force yourself to stop even thinking about it. It is actually quite liberating when you do this. You can then just enjoy their company for what it is, warts and all. It may mean you don't want to spend hours and hours with them, that is completely up to you but just stop judging, it much more relaxing for everyone.

I have used this strategy myself and even though I have to remind myself of it sometimes it does make family meet up much more enjoyable.

life's more comfortable without judgey pants

Just to add a point in favour of the OP's argument about her nephews playing overrated computer games, I've read a few studies that demonstrate a link between the level of blood shown in computer games and the amount of violent thoughts in adolescents - the higher the blood amount, the higher the amount of violent thoughts in adolescents. (I can't link to the studies though sorry as I'm on my phone, but will try and link later when I'm able to go on the pc).

It's due to this that I wont let my ds play gory computer games (although he's 5 just now so haven't crossed that bridge yet!), however, if I did I don't agree that it would make me a bad parent and I don't think the OP's bil & sil are bad parents either.

U know what op, after 23 years as a parent, and 4 kids I have learned never be smug about your parenting skills and critisise others because one day this will bite u in the arse, or in your case pull the stuck out of it.

Take books. While they're all getting space out on booze and screens, read. Why not?

Could you try taking an interest in their games and see if that breaks the ice?

OP - I don't like the obsession with computer games either, especially the violent ones. I do worry about all the studies and the effects it has on kids. Thing is OP, it is like battling a flood, the dams have gone and there seems to be no holding it back. 13 and 14 actually seems reasonable and normal these days to be playing these 18 rated games. I'm having a fight at the moment with my 9 yr old who thinks I'm the meanest mum ever for not letting him play COD like MANY of his friends. If your child is very little then you have no idea the pressures parents (or mum really as my husband leaves it to me) are under regarding these issues. I always said 'just say no' but it's harder said than done. I hate the battles I'm having over this and as I said this is with a 9 yr old so I think of parents with older kids like teens and say nothing about their parenting choices as I can see the battles coming up ahead and realise I can't afford to be so critical.

You sound like a miserable old crone tbh. I should think your inlaws know this so don't want to make conversation if you're going to go on about the 'youth of today'. I bet you sit rolling your eyes periodically. People choose to relax in different ways. It sounds like it's your way or no way. Good luck with your pfb in ten years time.

I have now read the posts.. .

Op, I share your pain, I really do but there is bugger all you can do about it apart from engineer a way not to go. Once your DC(s) get older it will get better as you will be able to take them out for longer periods when you are at the inlaws and you can just concentrate on your DC(s) while you are in the house. Read to them, play monopoly etc etc.

Your complaints are valid but you need to stop caring about it. Just make sure your wife appreciates you.

To be honest, my own family can be a bit at times but they are still my family and I love them. (mostly)

Basically, let it all go and just be thankful they live four hours away.

just off to check teenage DC's knowing full well they are on Xbox

As I said before you do sound bitter, the point I can't get over however, is this kids of today nonsense.

How old are you OP? Under/Over/Early/Late 20/30/40/50/60? I'm 39. Read around mn, plenty of us spent our youth wreaking havoc and behaving in ways which are a lot worse than those you describe.

You talked about your friends being hooked to their phones or facebook and how everyone seems obsessed by social networking or the national problem with binge drinking and acts of violence. These people aren't all kids of today or from the same generation so why do you feel you can apply these issues just to the 'youth'.

You will never like every family's parenting, just because you don't enjoy one experience of teen parenting it is completely unfair to then diagnose the problems of the world down to all this lazy parenting. You only have one of a few examples.

Also I think your views are quite skewed, you don't have a nice thing to say about your ILs, who can't be that awful if they've produced your DW.

I think Oxygene has gone.

As an aside 'Oxygene' is a Jean Michel Jarre instrumental album.

I think that is very revealing.

Ah. I might nc to TubularBells then

If the kids of yesterday were brought up with discipline and respect and uncouth habits are the result of modern laxity- how do you explain the uncouthness of your own grown-up ILs, OP?

And how do you explain that the world is full of middle-aged people obsessively texting during social occasions and speaking on mobile phones when they are being served in a shop or getting on the bus). Are they teenagers in disguise? Or is it maybe the case that the childrearing of yesteryear was not foolproof either? And that there are quite enough uncouth and ill-mannered middle-aged people around?

Ah cory reminds me of a relative of DP's who would maunder on for hours given half the chance about t'youth of today/ clip round the ear/ short sharp shock/ national service/ good hiding/ teach 'em some respect etc ... All of this good stuff having made him what he is today - An unemployed serial sneak thief who'd been fired from numerous jobs for applying the five-finger-discount - We used to snigger think how bad he'd have been without that good old fashioned upbringing!

What's revealing about a Jean-Michel Jarre instrumental album? Or Tubular Bells for that matter?

oxy stop moaning, suck it up and don't make this your wife's problem.

Do you go on like this to your wife? It's torture!!

Op maybe if you try out the xbox, you might quite like it.
Just Dance, Guitar Hero & Band Hero are really good fun and you could take them along to your sil & bil when you visit, then none of you will be bored and you will all be enteracting together through music!
Try it