To think my brother and sister in law are bad parents?

[Oxygene]

Please tell me if i'm over reacting.
My BIL has two lads (13 & 14)and when we go to our MILs for Christmas, they do nothing from the minute they get up to the time they go to bed but play violent war games on the xbox. Not only is it totally anti social when your supposed to be visiting family but I don't agree that a 13 year old should be allowed to play violent and aggressive 18+ restricted games. You wouldn't allow your kids to watch porn would you?

They can't see any wrong in this. The only time they stop is to go the loo and have tea and even then they're texting while at the dinner table. The kids are rude and anti social. We went camping with them last year and I was shocked to see the eldest lad knocking back bottles of blue WKDs. The mum said it was ok so long as they drank with the family so it could be monitored and they could do it responsibly. So it's ok to break the law so long as it's done behind closed doors?

Their dad is now pushing the youngest boy into the caddets where he's allowed to vent off aggression and play with rifles. Fine, if you want to join the army when you're older but glamourising war and allowing kids to play with guns is something I can't agree with.

On one hand they are over strict with them but not where it matters. They've sent them to private school so they can get a strict education but they seem to be going off the rails and the parents just can't see where they're going wrong.

We have a two night rule in our house, because that's about the amount of time my Dad can be reasonably civil for. And we go out during the day! We just go a bit more frequently, but it does work, just about

"Drive 4 hours, get there, say hello, half of em can't even lift their heads from their phones, laptop, games consol, tv etc to say hello back."

I'm not sure why so many of you think OP is the rude, unreasonable one .

But your wife has manners, yes?

You sound like you are in a bad mood, have they only just visited?

Your poor wife,

with the 'ignorant rude family ' and a sneering dissaproving, smug husband.

If I was her I would book a holiday by myself and leave you all to it.

I don't want my wife to stop seeing her family so long as I can have as little to do with them as possible. Trouble is there's times of the year I can't worm out of it and have to bite my lip and tolerate a few days of hell for her sake.

I don't think i've married below me as that would make me a snob. I married my wife for her, not for her family. They do seem to have issues with where we live though. The one and only time her brother came here he said the people were stuck up and the first time I met his wife she called me posh just because I live in the country and don't have a strong regional accent like they do. I'm not a snob, I just talk politely and live in a nice area and have had a good upbringing. Her brother has no right saying we live in a snobby area when the only place he went while he was here was up the road to Sainsburys to get a paper. How could he possibly judge an entire area and it's people on what he's seen in a local supermarket? What an idiot! It's them who seem to have the chip on their shoulder not us. Her parents do nothing but moan and complain about everything when they come here and her mum keeps saying how she thinks we'd all be better off he we moved closer to them. What's their problem? It's almost like they feel intimidated. Perhaps they'd feel more at home slobbing on the sofa drinking wine and beer whilst not talking to one another. Talk about being rude and anti social. What kind people would even think such things let alone be as ignorant as to say such things to your face?

Actually this would drive me insane too. 4 days solid of being attached to xboxes, FB etc does not good company make. I took the children to ExFIL's 70 birthday bash at a restaurant and later he said he was offended by his daughters and older grandchildren being on their phones so much.

Do you all have to meet up at the same time? Would it be possible to visit just your wife's parents and not the BIL's family? Or plan a completely different itinerary whilst there, and just use it as a holiday base? They can't possibly be offended as they don't do anything anyway.

Mama. No i'm about to go and not looking forward to it and can't get out of this one.

You don't sound posh to me oxy

OP if it helps you be a good guest (as I'm sure you have been brought up to be) vent away, but it's important for your wife and son to see their family. Does your wife get on with your family?

It's 4 days, you have fit to suck it up for your wife's sake so just do that. Take a book, try really hard not to look like there's a bad smell near you, don't initiate conversation if they not interested, just support your wife..

You could live near each other, thankfully for all of you sakes you don't.

You know what op - there are plenty on here who know yanbu in how you see this. There are so many defensive people on here who probably indulge in the same lazy parenting you speak of. Playing games all day long isn't right, nor is alcopops. No wonder this country is going to shit with a generation of unsociable grunts who can't speak properly, socialise or concentrate on anything. What's wrong with having some RULES?! Oh I know, too much like hard work isn't it!

^This

They must be doing alright though to have 2 teenage boys at independeant school.That must set them back what £25k per annum?

Boney - just what I was thinking. These ignorant grunts, who drink cans of carling, are intimidated by you and your posh area and accent etc but send their kids to public schools. They must feel really intimidated when they visit the school with all the posh, snobby folk.

I'm astonished at the number of posters who seem to think it's OK for teens to spend all day x-boxing or on their mobiles at family gatherings, on the basis that time with the grown-ups is boring. Well, tough shit! Time they learnt a) some manners b) some conversational skills and c) that the world doesn't revolve around entertaining them.

OP, yanbu. I too am amazed by the number of people on here who think it's OK. Nothing wrong with Xbox etc, but surely just in moderation. Texting at the table is rude. End of. No way would I tolerate that fgs.

I used to teach in a private school, they are not an indication of social prowess or politeness believe me.

What's that got to do with anything? Perhaps maybe he feels that putting his kids into private school will give them the discipline and social skills that they obviously lack right now. Yes he's got a well paid job but money does not maketh man. He's still rude and arrogant and has zero manners. Maybe he's so naive that he believes sending his kids to public school will make them better people. Her brother and her family have a serious chip on their shoulder about class and where they were brought up. They come from a very modest council house background which is nothing wrong with that. But now they seem to resent other people who have a good background like myself because they know that no matter how much money they have he will always be an arsehole with no manners. Even though her brother has done really well for himself they all feel they have got something to prove and I think by criticising the nice place where we live and the people, it somehow makes them feel superior but it just comes across as jealousy.

Around where they live they can play the big shot and brag off but when they come here they can't because this place is full of wealthy people. People with genuine money who don't have anything to prove. I genuinely believe that when they come here they feel out of their depth even though nobody has ever made them feel unwelcome. This is why they feel intimidated and feel they have to pull the place down because underneath THEY believe they're not good enough. They constantly think that people round here, myself included are constantly lookin down our noses at them when in fact it's totally untrue and all in their head.

I believe they call it reverse snobbery.

50 shades you are so right. I wonder if people like us as a dying breed.

So many parents today seem to want to have kids but still want their freedom to do everything they did when they were single. Use grandparents as a picking up and dropping off service from nursery, getting them to babysit every 5 minutes so they can swan off to the pub. That is when they're not draging their kids to the pub with them and let them run around in some play area so the parents can get pissed. It's easier today to shove an ipod or a phone in a kids hand or let them play on a consol all day or sit them in front of a tv so the parents don't have to entertain them or take them out anywhere or actually make any real effort. Send them off on a scouting trip, that should buy us a few days of freedom. Oh yeah and it might do them some good as well but that's just a side thought. It's easier to say yes to everything and let them have all their own way for a peaceful quiet life than set ground rules and discipline and actually work at being a parent. This is why so many kids today haven't got respect or manners because they've been allowed way too much of their own way and allowed to voice too much of their own opinions and we all know that once this starts it's passed down to the next generation where it gets worse and worse. It's all become extremely liberal and lazy parenting and all this let's give kids more rights and more freedom is just breeding more and more people who haven't got manners, respect, discipline or common social skills. People today seem so obsessed with living their lives on social networking sites that I think people are losing the ability to socialise and show common courtesy to one another and i'm not just talking about kids either. Adults seem to be detaching themselves from reality too to the point you can't go anywhere without someone being surgically attached to their mobile and it's impossible to drag themselves away for 2 seconds to get a conversation out of them.

Backs slowly out of the room

OP I agree with you, I wouldn't let my teenage dcs do any of the the things you describe your nephews doing, but really, it's not ok to extrapolate so dramatically... It shouldn't affect you so strongly. Be confident in your parenting choices- and breathe!

ah the irony, the irony

Ooh hidden agenda?

It annoys me so much lambeth because it's affecting the whole of society in general.

This country is turning to shit. People are turning into selfish, self centered, rude, socially retarded, non disciplined, disrespectful individuals and the youth of today have a serious unhealthy association with alcohol and anti social behaviour because they don't have any respect for anyone else but themselves. THIS is why I get so annoyed. It's mainly down to parents letting their kids have too much of their own way and not enough or zero discipline and not teaching them respect for people and property. We've turned into a world of ME ME ME!

yabu.

how on earth are they fitting in constant time on xbox as well as cadets and camping?

it is not against the law to play the games its against the law to buy them if your under the age.

re the drinking thing its not against the law and some countrys consider it to be the way forward and not turning booze into this big taboo thing i personally would let my teenagers have wine with a meal but each to there own.
cadets is a very good way to let of steam in a disaplined way its fun you learn stuff they most certainly dont make war glam,and you dont have to have any intention of joining the army to go. they do some great trips and fitness stuff as well as very intresting talks.

why the hell shouldnt they spend their xmas holidays playing computer games if they want? but i reckon it would be a problem if its seriously all the time and they avoided doing other stuff,i personally wouldnt have ever let my kids take there games consoles to a house we were visiting tho

i let my teenangers play games that i have personally vetted if i think its ok i let them play no matter what the age limit there have been several games rated under their age that i wouldnt let them play it very much depends on my opinun of the game and how suitible i think it is

They do sound boring but then so do you. Not everyone is going to have the same opinions and behaviours thats why we have the choice to mix with each other or not. Live and let live, your not forced to go to the pub or

OP you remind me of David Cameron in that you've used specific events to bang on about your more general agenda that 'good' parenting has gone down the pan and the world has become to virtual.

Also I don't understand where this attitude about 'kids today' has come from. First of all you only have to look around mn and see what people got up to when they were younger to realise in lots of ways things are much more tame. When I was 13/14 I was out drinking/sex/running about up to no good as were my entire school year and that was condoned by adults, we were served in pubs and shops. Read the 1970s food thread from the other day so many of us were in pubs with our parents as children, this is not a 'new' thing.

Also things have changed parenting wise as society has a larger culture of fear, although I think my parents were aware of it most children didn't know about pedophiles and abuse and all those things, we just saw them as the weird guy round the corner and our parents didn't stop us form playing out or disappearing off all day without contact. Those boys have probably been brought up to spend time indoors.

My teens are very sociable but then my DH and I are, although probably not in a way that would be acceptable to you. Some people want their children to be violent and aggressive, some people don't. I think you are way too judgemental, you need to recognise that being different or not pleasing to you doesn't make it wrong.

Ok be annoyed, but be realistic. You can't change the way they parent, so you'll have to find ways of not letting it impinge on you. Minimise the time you soend with them, take a book, model a better way of parenting.

You can't carpet the world, so wear slippers.

out of intrest given that you do so obviously look down your nose at them is it possible that they know this as opposed to your view that they just think you and others look down on them but it not really happening? because you do.

thinking back to when i was a kid im not sure that hell had even invented some of the naughtyness i did the main parenting difference that i can work out is that its no longer concidered acceptable to beat the living crap out of your kids because child line is a freephone number.

disclaimer i have never nor will i ever either smack or beat the shit out of anybody especially people who are smaller than me i was only making an observation