To think that being the Politeness Police is fucking rude

[Himalaya]

Today i was coming out of DS's party venue, arms full of balloons, cake and other deritritus, brain running through whether all children were accounted for. Old bloke coming the other way opened the door and let me through, and as I passed said "Thank-you, you're welcome" in that snarky, patronising way people do to children who have forgotten their 'Ps and Qs'.

WTF?

I do normally say thankyous. But this time I was distracted. For all he knew maybe I wasn't just mildly shell-shocked after a kids birthday party, but had just heard my dog had been run over or something.

Of course I said "what? Er... Thanks" and he probably thought he'd made his point to the younger generation.

AIBU to think this kind of "thank-you vigilanteeism" is ruder than forgetting to say thankyou in the first place?

What smart answer should I have given?

It was a bit rude but I don't blame him. It's horrible for people to take little acts of kindness for granted. I get unreasonably cross with people who don't say thanks when I pull over to let them pass in a car when the road is narrow. You could have just said thanks and smiled at him.

"Ginger - Indeed. I have been convinced by this thread that I should make allowances."

How patronising. He wasn't rude. He didn't need "allowances" making for him.

You were rude, albeit unwittingly. There are certain basic conventions that we generally adhere to in our society. They are about acknowledging that someone else is also sticking to the social "rules" and doing what we generally consider to be the right thing. These little things (please, thank you, smiling etc) keep society running smoothly and pleasantly and keep us interracting with the people around us on a very simple level. Without these little acknowledgements and courtesies then we would all just stomp around in our own little worlds, never acknowledging that the people around us are also worthy of good treatment.

You presumably accept that it is appropriate to acknowledge basic courtesy with basic courtesy of your own as you say that you would normally say thank you. It is not, therefore, a case of you believing that you should not have had to say it in these circumstances. So I am not sure why you are so angry with this man. You slipped below what, by your own standards, is the appropriate level of courtesy and he made a fairly mild prompt about manners. He didn't shriek and swear and abuse you - he just reminded you of something you should have said because, no doubt, he was annoyed at apparently being treated as part of the furniture, rather than as a fellow member of society, entitled to be treated in accordance with the accepted social etiquette.

A "smart" response would have been completely inappropriate and I can't think of any comeback that wouldn't have made you look like an utter, utter arse.

I don't know whether to laugh or be horrified at the idea of this man needing "allowances" made for him. Yes, those utter bastard old men, holding doors open for people all over the place. We really must make allowances for the poor old buggers.

Agree with Orm.

The assumption appears to be that pointedly saying "thank you" when the other person doesn't is always going to be snarky and therefore setting a bad example. Why? Why can it not just be a matter of challenging rudeness?

Because you don't go round challenging mild rudeness in strangers all the time. This type of challenge seems to be acceptable somehow whereas walking round pointing out rudeness all the time (in a sarcastic manner) would make a very unhappy society. Well I think it's all impolite and just makes someone's day worse rather than better (which was the original point of holding the door open surely).

And yet - to come back to the whole point of the OP - it is acceptable to canvass opinion from MN on an appropriate "smart answer" to that challenge (which was only presumed to be sarcastic)?

Ok...

Op has seen the error of her ways on smart retort, I believe, as yes this would represent a double snark.

Two snarks don't make a right.

Arf!