To think that being the Politeness Police is fucking rude

[Himalaya]

Today i was coming out of DS's party venue, arms full of balloons, cake and other deritritus, brain running through whether all children were accounted for. Old bloke coming the other way opened the door and let me through, and as I passed said "Thank-you, you're welcome" in that snarky, patronising way people do to children who have forgotten their 'Ps and Qs'.

WTF?

I do normally say thankyous. But this time I was distracted. For all he knew maybe I wasn't just mildly shell-shocked after a kids birthday party, but had just heard my dog had been run over or something.

Of course I said "what? Er... Thanks" and he probably thought he'd made his point to the younger generation.

AIBU to think this kind of "thank-you vigilanteeism" is ruder than forgetting to say thankyou in the first place?

What smart answer should I have given?

Foshizzle yes! Also the default often seen on mn: 'For all he knew maybe...' list follows of random unconnected scenarios which might at a stretch (but usually don't) justify something.

YABU. I would have been annoyed too. I hate it when I hold doors open for people and they don't even acknowledge me let alone say thank you. I often say what the old man said "you're welcome" in an exaggerated voice. It is mostly old people I've noticed who expect me to hold the door open and don't say thank you, quite ironic really.

Surely please and thank you are basic common decency? Should come naturally?

I had something similar recently. I was walking along a very narrow pavement completely distracted by a very upsetting turn of events; a man was knocking on someone's front door and so blocking the pavement. As I approached he stepped back onto the kerb. I didn't even register him until he shouted 'oi! Thank you doesn't cost you anything' I wad in a bad state of mind, so I went back and laid into him about blocking the pavement, entitlement etc etc (rant did include an apology for forgetting my manners though)

Man ended up apologising to me and explaining he was having a bad day

Just

The old man was helping society to function by reminding you of your everyday-interaction-greasing-with-politeness-duties.

You should have felt automatically annoyed with yourself really, not with him.

Actually, I don't find it's normal any more to hold open a door for someone whose arms are full, though I would say it was good manners to do so. So you were lucky, OP, to find someone who had good manners enough to open the door for you.

YAB amazingly unreasonable. I hope your children are not as rude as you.

I often become the 'politeness police' and find I am doing it more and more the older I get. I have used phrases such as 'that's fine - don't say thank you. I enjoy holding doors open.' I have also said things to random children and teenagers such as 'I think the word you were looking for was thank you' when they are ordering food etc (not when a parent is near). They normally look at me open mouthed and then say it.

I do use positive encouragement too though overly praising lchildren who hold doors etc.

Southend is the worst place I have ever been to. My OH held a door open at a shop and literally 10-12 people waltzed through with none acknowledging him.

I get the feeling that some people think its a sign of weakness to exhibit good manners and actually think others are mugs if they step out of their path, let them come up a narrow staircase and so on.

And as for the chatting people in the middle of the supermarket aisle who look offended when you say (pleasantly and with a smile) excuse me please...

Entitled is a word that crosses my mind more and more these days.

bejeezus - that's quite a nice story in the end, at least you both got it off your respective chests and made amends.

I am ever polite
As I said before I am the type to say sorry even if it's the other persons fault
I always smile and say thank you. I move out of the way of others and drill it into my children to do the same apologising of they don't.
But
I think it is rude to pull other people up unless you are responsible for them (parent etc)
PA thank yous are as rude as the person not saying thank you

I see it like charity. You don't do it for recognition, you do it because you're a decent person. PA thank yous are like telling everyone how you donated
Billions to the RSKLT, it doesn't make you a better person

Bronze that's a really good way of putting it, I agree!

I'm not being passive aggressive. I'm always more than prepared to explain to someone then and there why I felt the need to say thank you on their behalf if they query it. I'll challenge the behaviour rather than stand there stewing.

And yes in holding a door open for someone I have behaved better than someone who lets it slam into the face of someone behind them.

It is rude to remind people of their manners... but sometimes it happens so much in one day you end up slipping out the sarcastic "Your welcome". I've also found myself saying "Don't be sorry, be excused" when people say sorry as they push past you.

YANBU.
I hold doors open for people because that is what you do in a civilized society. I am not doing it for a reward.
I remember being 7 months pregnant and crossing a zebra crossing with two bags of shopping. A car stopped to let me cross (as they are supposed to.)
Half way across the man shouted out the window "don't say thanks will you!?"
Er... I had no free hands to wave a thanks, and besides he was doing what he was supposed to do!
I wish people would just behave in a considerate way and stop jumping on people who maybe don't notice all the time.
It's nice if people say thank you. If they don't, well, you have done the right thing anyway, so it's all good.

I'd say the old bloke just saw a woman who appeared entitled to have doors magically held open for her,you probably got on his tits.

I'd automatically say thanks,and if I was with my child and his friends I would go out of my way to set the example of saying thank you.

NowthenWreck - It's not about a reward - it's about acknowledgement that you are not their personal doorman. Surely that is not too much to ask?

You were not necessarily being unreasonable for being distracted and forgetting your manners.

But you are being very unreasonable for bitching about the old guy reminding you instead of doing what you should have done which was to apologise and say a belated thank you.

In this situation I would have been mortified to have come across as rude tbh but you just seem to be more focused on his perceived rudeness.

And no it's not an act of charity. Very rarely is someone in need of having a door opened for them. It's a gesture among equals, to which no-one is entitled and should therefore be acknowledged.

Nowthen, in your example I agree a thanks wasn't really required. Cars have to give way at zebra crossings, that's a matter of law. It's nice to get a smile or nod as acknowledgement but as the driver I certainly wouldn't expect it, just as I wouldn't if I had stopped at a junction to allow the car with right of way to continue.

That is not equivalent to the OP's example however.

Team Old Bloke. Can we have a team T-shirt made?

I do wonder how this would have played out if someone had come on to ask if they had been unreasonable to have said 'Thankyou, you're welcome' to a 17-year-old carrying speakers and wearing a hoodie who had ignored them holding the door open for him.

ThatBadCat - :o

I have a toe in each.

Say Thanks
Don't be a Snark

It would still be unreasonable Gibbous. Keep the moral high ground by not resorting to judgy sarcasm.

Wouldn't change my opinion if op had been a teenager.