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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that being the Politeness Police is fucking rude

207 replies

Himalaya · 14/07/2012 23:22

Today i was coming out of DS's party venue, arms full of balloons, cake and other deritritus, brain running through whether all children were accounted for. Old bloke coming the other way opened the door and let me through, and as I passed said "Thank-you, you're welcome" in that snarky, patronising way people do to children who have forgotten their 'Ps and Qs'.

WTF?

I do normally say thankyous. But this time I was distracted. For all he knew maybe I wasn't just mildly shell-shocked after a kids birthday party, but had just heard my dog had been run over or something.

Of course I said "what? Er... Thanks" and he probably thought he'd made his point to the younger generation.

AIBU to think this kind of "thank-you vigilanteeism" is ruder than forgetting to say thankyou in the first place?

What smart answer should I have given?

OP posts:
VolAuVent · 15/07/2012 08:11

We all make mistakes sometimes, don't we? I think we should be a bit more forgiving and less quick to judge and criticise. Maybe others will do the same for us too.

Original poster
Himalaya · 15/07/2012 08:14

Merry "I think that because the point of being polite is to make someone feel good, respected, comfortable etc. If you are making someone deliberately feel uncomfortable then you have no manners, and you are as bad (or worse, as it's intentional) than the person you're correcting" - Yes this is what I thought.

Nursebernard - Yes he may have been having a bad day.

Chubfudler - I think your attitude is strange. Isnt the point of politeness to make other people feel comfortable, not to rile them with a "gloves off" attitude if they fail in their etiquette?

Reading your post though made me think again about my own wish that I'd had a smart comeback to this guy's little dig. I guess that's the same thing. So I feel bad for feeling so uncharitable rather than making an allowance.

So yes Edam and others who said insightfully that I am pissed off because I feel bad/embarrassed (only mildly... I am not writing to the local paper only whittering on MN Grin)....yes you are right. I'm pissed off with my self that I got caught up in his tit-for-tat politeness battle.

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 15/07/2012 08:15

'I think we should be a bit more forgiving and less quick to judge and criticise. Maybe others will do the same for us too.'

Fat Chance, I'm a teacher. Grin
This sort of incident would have the playground geese hissing all term, you have to be unfailingly civil at all times. So I expect it in others. It's more the fact that the OP has a whole thread running about how expecting a thank you is rude that amuses me. She could easily have had a similar thread ranting about how the man hadn't bothered opening the door, how rude...

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 15/07/2012 08:18

The smart comeback would have been "Sorry about that, I was a bit distracted, thanks"

KenDoddsDadsDog · 15/07/2012 08:19

No need to be rude dear.

SugarBatty · 15/07/2012 08:20

Why did you ask what smart comment you SHOULD have come back with?
In case you bump into him again so you can set up a door opening situation again and use it to get your moral revenge?

Did you think everyone would come up with sarky comebacks you could have said to an old man you will never see again?
Get over yourself. You should have said thanks.

Original poster
Himalaya · 15/07/2012 08:24

Ok, ok I geddit no smart comebacks. (...I did say thankyou)

Still, I'm not going to start going around using the snarky "thank you, you're welcome" routine on other people, because it is rude.

OP posts:
ledkr · 15/07/2012 08:26

I do this especially since i was over 40 [gein] I hate it when people dont say thanks or even acknowledge you. My 17 month old says thankyou out of habit so im sure an adult can manage to remember.It would have been harder to do everything and hold the door at the same time.

Sirzy · 15/07/2012 08:28

The rude thing is not saying thank you in the first place

SoupDragon · 15/07/2012 08:30

Well, you should have said thank you when he held the door open for you. You were "fucking rude".

fizzyapples · 15/07/2012 08:38

Someone does something to help you, (old man) - You didn't thank him (wrong) - Old man pissed off (quite rightly)

That is all, no over analysis necessary!

GreenEyesAndHam · 15/07/2012 08:40

He wasn't in the slightest bit rude. He pulled someone up on their lack of good manners that's all.

MerryMarigold · 15/07/2012 09:05

Merry you're wrong in that manners are not to make people feel good or respected or comfortable. They are to show that you are aware that someone has done something they didnt need to do, to make life easier for you and that you are grateful for it.

Bogeyface, I think you are referring specifically to the word 'Thankyou' here. There's all sorts of other good manners: not eating with your mouth open, saying please, saying excuse me, queuing without pushing in, yes even holding doors open for people. I'm sure others could expand the list.

And it is rude to point out other grown people's bad manners. Imagine going into McDonalds and going round telling everyone who has their mouth open to close their mouths when eating (because you find it disgusting and it offends you and the world would be a better place if everyone ate with their mouths shut).

Chubfuddler · 15/07/2012 09:11

His snarky "you're welcome" was rude. It was supposed to be.

RuleBritannia · 15/07/2012 09:13

Another reason for not going to McDonalds. I wouldn't want to watch open mouths masticating.

Sirzy · 15/07/2012 09:20

It's times like this a young child comes in handy, a few weeks back my 3 year old nephew was holding a door open for us all, someone else was coming so he held it for him. As the man went through he said "he not nice, he didn't say thank you" the poor man looked very embarrassed but did say thank you!

GothAnneGeddes · 15/07/2012 09:23

I had a similar situation yesterday.

Was on the train with a desperate for the loo 3 year old. As we moved up the aisle, a young girl kindly moved out of the way for me and then did the "thank you" in a sarcastic voice thing.

My inner reaction was the same, because I do usually always mind my P's and q's , but had just been a bit distracted then.

However, IIRC, etiquette dictates that it is rude to point out someone else's poor manners, so while both the old man in the O.P and the young girl on the train had a point, they were also B.U.

Mollydoggerson · 15/07/2012 09:25

I think if you say thank you often enough, it just comes out automatically, regardless of whether you are distracted or not.

I don't buy your excuses for not saying thank you, I think it indicates a lack of consideration and maybe it is a good thing it has been highlighted to you.

MushroomSoup · 15/07/2012 09:25

Team Old Bloke!

Iamsparklyknickers · 15/07/2012 09:27

I'm with the old bloke too.

Standing opening the door for someone without even a smile of thanks does come off as entitled and treating someone like a servant...

I get people have a lot on their minds, but he wu to pull you up on it and yabu to be insulted that he did.

YouOldSlag · 15/07/2012 09:29

YABU.

It really annoys me when I hold a door open for someone or stop to let someone go past and they sweep past me, no eye contact and no thank you. It' looks like entitlement and bad manners. Thank you should be automatic and you shouldn't need to be "not busy" for it to come out on auto pilot.

Team Old Bloke.

LoopyFuckbadger · 15/07/2012 09:34

Team Old Man here.

Thank yous for that sort of thing should be so ingrained that they are unconscious. Don't blame him for being a bit annoyed.

I don't think it was rude of him to point out your bad manners. It will make you think twice next time someone else does you a courtesy.

VolAuVent · 15/07/2012 09:36

I was just saying thank you to someone who held a door open for me the other day, but simultaneously they started closing it in my face! They obviously hadn't noticed I was there to start with. So now I don't know if the other person thinks I was saying a sarcastic thank you or not Confused

MerryMarigold · 15/07/2012 09:39

I think it's just cos he was old. Had the OP written it was a teen in a hoodie who sarcastically made the comment, everyone would be on the OP's side.

Well, age should bring more wisdom and consideration and indeed, politeness.

Btw, I am not on anyone's 'side'. OP was wrong. Old bloke was worse.

Sirzy · 15/07/2012 09:43

I would say the same irrespective of the age of the person.