To think that being the Politeness Police is fucking rude

[Himalaya]

Today i was coming out of DS's party venue, arms full of balloons, cake and other deritritus, brain running through whether all children were accounted for. Old bloke coming the other way opened the door and let me through, and as I passed said "Thank-you, you're welcome" in that snarky, patronising way people do to children who have forgotten their 'Ps and Qs'.

WTF?

I do normally say thankyous. But this time I was distracted. For all he knew maybe I wasn't just mildly shell-shocked after a kids birthday party, but had just heard my dog had been run over or something.

Of course I said "what? Er... Thanks" and he probably thought he'd made his point to the younger generation.

AIBU to think this kind of "thank-you vigilanteeism" is ruder than forgetting to say thankyou in the first place?

What smart answer should I have given?

I don't really see why it's so rude to remind someone of their manners, tbh. If more did that then perhaps fewer would be rude and we'd live in a better society.

All you need to say is 'whoops-sorry-thank you' and forget it. (You only need smart replies if you happen to be in the right.)

I do see the situation as similar to Nowthenwreck's zebra crossing example. I was going out the building, he was coming in. He let me go first.

I would always do the same. I teach my kid to do the same - wait for the person coming out of the bus, swimming pool, building etc... to go first. Of course it is nice to say please and thank you. But there is no need to be snarky.

I would be mortified if one of my kids said "you're welcome" snarkily after waiting for the person exiting to make their way our first.

A lot of situations are not as clear cut as an open door. Snarky people often kick off about the most ridiculous of things.

How dare he remind you of your manners OP, after holding the door for you? obviously in your mind he's got nothing better to do.... amazing, the cheek of some people..

"I do normally say thankyous. But this time I was distracted. For all he knew maybe I wasn't just mildly shell-shocked after a kids birthday party, but had just heard my dog had been run over or something."

And for all you knew, his dog might have just been run over or something. Why are you asking him to make allowances for you but you're not attempting to make any for him?

Most people who piss me off in daily life get away without any sarcastic comments. But occasionally someone does something when I'm tired or having a bad day and they get both barrels. That's just life...

You should have acknowledged him.

Ginger - Indeed. I have been convinced by this thread that I should make allowances. Maybe he was having a bad day fair enough. Everyone is rude sometimes, and who knows what kind of day he is having.

What I haven't been convinced by are all the people saying that this was not rude snark at all, but public spirited politeness.

Really people? Do you teach your kids that someone asks then something without saying please, they should demand one? Or if someone doesn't say thankyou to them after they've waited for them to exit first, that they should say "you're welcome" as a public spirited
reminder of their manners?

Agree wih your last post Himalaya. Can't believe this thread is still going :)

I agree. Let's end the snarking!

I would've done the same thing as the old bloke. You would have probably been berating him under your breath had he not held the door open. Manners cost nothing, he didn't forget his - he held the door open - but you forgot yours. Being busy is not an excuse and a smart answer totally inappropriate in this instance.

OP, no i dont teach my kids that but ime they are far more likely to pull someone up on crappy manners than adults are.

"Why didnt he say thank you mummy?" "You have to say PLEASE!" etc etc and I wouldnt berate them for doing it!

Ha I snark as lack of manners really piss me off-thank you is an automatic response, remember your manners in future & this will solve the problem-I presume you do prompt your dc to use manners???

I don't like a lack of manners or snarking.

It's hard for me.

I always hold doors open for people when I'm out and about and will often do the snarky 'thank you, you're welcome' if I don't get a thank you in return...

It REALLY pisses me off when people don't say thanks for simple things like a door being held open for them, if someone does it for me I always say thank you (often whilst grappling with a defiant toddler and an armful of shopping), don't see what's so difficult?

So yes, in my eyes YABVU

I think OP should track him down and say thank you three times - once for the door, once for teaching her some bloody manners, and once on behalf of her parents for taking on (admittedly belatedly) the responsibility for the teaching of some bloody manners, and then sorry once.

For being a dick.

He didn't know you were distracted and normally say thank you, you don't know why he took your momentary lack of manners to heart.

It is very annoying when you hold open a door and several people breeze through it without even a glance in your direction and it seems to happen more and more frequently now. You could have been the latest in a number of people to ignore his kindness. Because it was a kindness, even if just a small, 'normal' one.

You were in the wrong and you know it, everyone can have a lapse but you seem so angry at being called on it. I might have said the same as he did, or simply called you rude, or let it go altogether but if I had called you on it I wouldn't have thought I was being public spirited to do so, but if you were the latest person to flit passed me without acknowledgement I probably would feel a little better for pointing out your lack of manners with a little breach of them myself.

YABU but only for giving it more than a moments thought.

You are being unreasonable, for asking in AIBU whether rude snarl is acceptable. People come here with the specific purpose of practising their snarky skills

YABU for me. It's common courtesy in my opinion and should not be something that can be 'shell-shocked' out of you.

Actually, this is a major bugbear of mine. I always think it's why a lot of children today are rude and disrespectful; they don't have their parents setting a good and consistent example.

Didntchaknow - I hold doors open, let people and all those other little common curtesies whenever I am out and about. Some people say thankyou, some don't. It doesn't overly bother me. I've never snarked at anyone for forgetting to say please or thankyou.

I guess I've been doing this politeness thing wrong all these years.

Must be on account of my piss-poor parents Bruxheur.

I think it's really weird how "please" and "thankyou" are magic words which make people polite while insulting someones parents, the way they are bringing up their children and their general character. I will never get this aspect of politeness.

I'm with you there himalaya

And swearing too...you can be as awful as you like, as long as you don't swear

Then if you get told to get to fuck, for being hideous; there is moral panic

FGS, he said "Thank you, you're welcome" when you forgot your manners. He didn't swear and shout at you and then gun you down with an Uzi.