To think that being the Politeness Police is fucking rude

[Himalaya]

Today i was coming out of DS's party venue, arms full of balloons, cake and other deritritus, brain running through whether all children were accounted for. Old bloke coming the other way opened the door and let me through, and as I passed said "Thank-you, you're welcome" in that snarky, patronising way people do to children who have forgotten their 'Ps and Qs'.

WTF?

I do normally say thankyous. But this time I was distracted. For all he knew maybe I wasn't just mildly shell-shocked after a kids birthday party, but had just heard my dog had been run over or something.

Of course I said "what? Er... Thanks" and he probably thought he'd made his point to the younger generation.

AIBU to think this kind of "thank-you vigilanteeism" is ruder than forgetting to say thankyou in the first place?

What smart answer should I have given?

I have had this happen to me where I have held the door open and someone has just walked through and past me, rather than hold it for the next person and so on, like its my job!

Then I do say "YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!!!"

Tbh, I cant see in your OP any reason why you couldnt say thank you so yes YWBU to not say and to take umbridge with someone who called you on it.

I've been known to go into a tirade along the lines of 'THANK-you for letting me keep the door open for you, I'm SO HONOURED, I can tell you - you've MADE MY DAY'

I blame it on the menopause.

OP, you got off lightly.

Team Old Dude here, as well. Thank yous are automatic - or at least should be.

You expect him to make allowances for you (i.e. the fact that you were distracted) and yet it doesn't occur to you for a second to make allowances for him. Maybe he'd held the door open for 6 ill-mannered types already that day and you, the 7th, were the straw that broke the back.

I think pointing out someone else's bad manners is even worse manners.

I think that because the point of being polite is to make someone feel good, respected, comfortable etc. If you are making someone deliberately feel uncomfortable then you have no manners, and you are as bad (or worse, as it's intentional) than the person you're correcting. Obviously children excepted!

There's no point having 'Thankyou' on automatic if you're forgetting the purpose of saying it, eh?

Can you see the irony in what you've said Merry?

X-posted, I was talking about 'I think pointing out someone else's bad manners is even worse manners.'

Good for you sharklet!

OP, I think you are miffed because you feel guilty that you forgot your manners, tbh. I don't like it when it has been done to me on the odd occasion that I have forgotten to say thank you, because I don't like forgetting and because I don't want to be thought of as the same as some of the mannerless oiks out there who never say thank you. However, I suck it up because I know that I should have said it.

Merry you're wrong in that manners are not to make people feel good or respected or comfortable. They are to show that you are aware that someone has done something they didnt need to do, to make life easier for you and that you are grateful for it. If we didnt all say thank you to each other then we would all stop putting outselves out just a wee bit for a stranger and then life would be a wee bit less nice for all of us.

Pointing out someone elses bad manners is not bad manners in itself, and yes I did also spot the irony.

I would have said the same thing as the man. Frequently do. I think you should have apologised, and then said thank you. Basic good manners.

I once held a door wide for a mum with a buggy who was entering M&S just behind me. She smiled and said thank you but another woman who was some distance from the door put a sprint on and dashed past me without so much as a glance. She had her purse in herhand and in her rush she caught her elbow on the door handle and her change went everywhere.

I'm afraid I said, "That's poetic justice." Nowadays I'd probably think it but not say it.

Another time I was approaching a restaurant and saw hat some poor 10 year old hold the door for one person only for a whole stream to walk past him. i took the door form him saying, "I think you've done your bit." and got dazzling smiles from him and his (I think) grandparents

Well that's the point of manners - you are polite automatically and can be polite no matter what the distraction.

I think you need to remember to take your manners out of your pocket and spend them OP: there are plenty more where they came from, so don't worry you won't run out by using them - same as smiles.

Yes he was rude.

I think all that passive agressive 'well thank you' business is rude. It'd have been better if he'd said 'you're not very polite' or 'you have forgotton your manners'.

I got the 'thank you, you're welxoke' treatment once from an old(ish) lady who held the door open for me in a shopping centre.

I was particularly affronted as I had said thank you though-I always do. As others have said, it's an automatic response.

So indignant was I at this slight that I proceeded to remonstrate with her. Even followed her pleading my case in a slightly deranged manner as she walked off tutting.

Still smarting about that one 2 years later!

You were rude and he was rude. But he was being nice until you thought the door opened magically for you.

I know what you mean IceCreamCastles I think it is the injustice, fround guilty of something I hadn't done (or rather have done but they thought I hadn't), heaven help me if I ever am wrongly convicted of something (unlikely!). I would love to have suggested that that woman get her hearing tested, but that would have been even more rude than she was to me. I guess the moral is for all of you who like to make comments, be certain that your hearing is very acute, otherwise you run the risk of being seen as even more rude and passive aggressive. If they genuinely haven't said thank you (and they do speak English, haven't lost their voice, etc) then karma will get them anyway like the woman with the purse!

I am unfailingly polite to strangers (hold doors open, let people out of junctions, always say excuse me/please/thank you) until they are rude, such as not dating thanks. Then the gloves are off. Am glad to find someone may be riled hours later by a well placed snarky "you're welcome".

I think I would be more inclined to say thank in your position, OP, as I would have been so grateful that someone had helped when I really needed it. However, it just slipped your mind, not a big deal really. Just remember to say thank you next time.

I'm with the old guy. Puzzled about you needing a smart come back,would 'thank you' being ingrained not be better?

I think YABU, saying thanks is a reflex for me, I often thank cash machines and self service tills

Suck it up and move on

It would just be automatic for me - since it wasn't I would just say thanks and forget it.

Well I'm with the minority view. I get mildly annoyed if someone doesn't acknowledge that I've let them through a door first or whatever, but I think making a bitchy comment is a bit ruder.

Like others have said you should have said thank you. He could have easily let the door shut and left you struggling, he was nice enough to hold it open of course you should have said thank you.

You did not need a smart comeback.

Jeez, always someone else's fault, isn't it!

He thought you were rude and inconsiderate. You have proved him right by posting on here as if he was the one at fault.
You shouldn't take the fact that you were irritated and distracted as an excuse to be snippy about other people.