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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

298 replies

illcryifiwantto · 07/07/2012 09:41

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

OP posts:
haththefecklessbreeder · 07/07/2012 09:42

If your DH wants to pay it let him pay it.

You don't have to pay if you don't want to.

MrsBradleyCooper · 07/07/2012 09:43

YANBU - they shouldn't expect this.

picnicbasketcase · 07/07/2012 09:44

Hmm. Complicated. On the one hand, it would be a lovely gift for them for you to contribute and you say you do have savings. But on the other, if they want to blow an absolute fortune on their wedding, it's their choice and they should foot the bill. I'd be inclined to think the latter.

Huffles · 07/07/2012 09:45

If you can't contribute the 1500 could you not explain that you can't contrubute that much but maybe give something?

How does your DH feel about it?

squeakytoy · 07/07/2012 09:46

If you cant afford it then you shouldnt feel you HAVE to provide the money, but if you can afford it, and your husband WANTS to pay, then I dont think you should try to stop him.

You knew when you married him that he had children whose wedding he might want to pay towards one day in the future.

Personally, I dont see why parent should be expected to fund weddings these days. We paid for our own and did not ask for, or even expect any financial help from parents.

bamboostalks · 07/07/2012 09:46

Well how much do you have in savings? Is it several hundred thousand? If so, then I suppose a grand could not hurt, as a sort of wedding present. If less than 100,000 in savings, I think they could whistle. Your dh can do whatever he wants really. It is incredibly presumptous to ask. astonishing really.

longjane · 07/07/2012 09:46

so what kind of wedding present would buy them?
how much would you spend?
How many other children do you have?

How much would you spend on your own child wedding?
but at the end of the day it is your DH child and if he can afford it i is up to him how he spends his money

HecateHarshPants · 07/07/2012 09:50

Would you contribute if it was your own child? Honestly now. Is it that you object to funding someone's wedding and you would feel the same if that was your own child not your step child?

If your husband wants to contribute to his child's wedding and your finances are kept seperate then that's up to him. If you don't want to contribute, then that's up to you.

fwiw, I wouldn't fund anyone's wedding. If people want to get married they can pay for it themselves. If they can't afford a lavish wedding, then tough. Have a smaller one. It's just one party on one day. Think how much you could do with that money that would benefit your future as a family? Go towards a deposit on a house, for example.

Catsmamma · 07/07/2012 09:50

I would if I could afford it, to appear kind and generous!

I would probably tut and mutter though and also make clear that no more would be forthcoming.

I am a bit of a hypocrite regarding weddings though, I think big showy offy weddings are trashy and ostentatious and shouldn't be allowed, but I'd still love an invite! :D

ravenlocks · 07/07/2012 09:50

YANBU, it was cheeky of them to ask. The groom's side don't traditionally contribute to the cost of the wedding do they? Not amongst my family or friends they don't/ haven't. You seem to be quite well off and can afford it, so spending a bit on a generous wedding present and/ or offering to pay for something significant - i.e the cake, or groomswear hire - would be a nice gesture. No need to hand over a wad of cash!

PurplePidjin · 07/07/2012 09:50

I'd be inclined towards letting the adults get on with it in their own way, tbh. They're clearly over 18, it's no longer the parents' problem.

My parents have offered a contribution should we choose to get married. We may or may not take them up on it but wouldn't dream of being rude enough to ask, despite it being traditional for the father of the bride to foot the entire bill!

hairytale · 07/07/2012 09:52

Yanbu. Cheeky DSS!

KenHomsDadsWoksDead · 07/07/2012 09:52

If you've got no debts, no mortgage, and a chunk of savings I think contributing 3k towards your child's wedding is actually fairly little.

SquidgyBiscuits · 07/07/2012 09:53

Whilst I think it is rather presumptuous of them to expect a contribution from anybody, I think the decision should lie with your husband really as you've already stated you can afford it.

SquidgyBiscuits · 07/07/2012 09:54

Also, how long have you and your husband been together? How involved are you in DSS's life? It just seems odd that you've only met his future wife 3 times.

ENormaSnob · 07/07/2012 09:54

Gosh I really don't know what I'd do tbh.

I am more inclined to think people should pay for their own weddings.

Perhaps you could offer to pay for cars/flowers/cake or something?

squeakytoy · 07/07/2012 09:55
Grin

I do find it funny when people think it is fine for sexist tradition to be upheld when it comes to weddings.. we have a generation of women who demand equality, dont want to take their husbands name, object to the idea of being "given away", yet when money comes into it, are quite happy for Daddy to fund it... Grin

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/07/2012 09:57

It should be your husband's decision. If he wants to contribute then he can, and it isn't your business to try and stop him.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 07/07/2012 09:57

If you can afford it, I can't see why you wouldn't want to contribute tbh. It's a nice thing for parents to do for their dc.

When mine want to get married, I will decide how much I want to/can afford to give them then they will get the money to spend on what they want. When I got married my Mum said she wanted to pay for one particular thing, gave me a budget and then I chose, which is also a nice way of doing it.

You aren't obliged to give them anything, but if you can afford to contribute something, I think it's a bit tight just to say no.

TheSpokenNerd · 07/07/2012 09:58

YANBU! It's not 1950! Let them pay for their own!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/07/2012 09:58

Mummy and Daddy here squeaky....

MissPants · 07/07/2012 09:58

YANBU I don't think it's reasonable for anyone to expect parents to pay for weddings these days, unless of course they offer to contribute. Maybe offer to pay for one specific thing as a wedding gift to them? We paid for our own wedding but my MIL and her husband paid for the drinks at the reception and my FIL and his wife asked to pay for the wedding cars as a gift. Might be a good compromise rather than just handing over wads of cash.

Original poster
illcryifiwantto · 07/07/2012 10:00

my son is gay so no big white wedding there (lol) maybe a pink one
saving wise i have approximently 50k in savings
dh has around 10k

i have always got on fine with both of his kids not in a traditional stepmother way but always had a good relationship with them no rows or arguments been on holidays with them when they were younger and gave dss 500 towards his deposit on his flat a few months back

its not the money as such its more that i think its a waste 5k for a sit down meal am i seriously out of touch at the cost of weddings
(and i know its just my opinion )

if i don't contribute dh would give the 3k which i agree is up to him and i don't plan to moan at him as it his money ( this is why we keep our money separate because then we don't have any problems ) i just think that i dont want to contribute 1500+++ and all the other stuff that will be added later on as it goes on

OP posts:
sensuallettuce · 07/07/2012 10:01

Depends how many other children you both have. I would decide how much money you would like to give each of your children (if any) and give it as a "start up" fund and give them all an equal amount. What you choose to give is up to you - and what they choose to spend it on is up to them.

This is what I plan to do with mine and OH's children (we have 6 Grin)

haththefecklessbreeder · 07/07/2012 10:01

So don't

Let your DH pay if he wants and buy them a nice present from you.

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