aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

[illcryifiwantto]

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

I think it's normal for parents to contribute to weddings. Mine gave us £5,000 nearly 15 years ago and we paid the rest (totalled about 10k I think). We were in mid 20s so had some money but not much. We would never have asked my parents to contribute but to be honest there was an expectation that they would (they had done so for my sister too).

The asking is cheeky, yes but the parents contributing is normal I think.

Sorry I also think you're being a bit stingy in not being willing to pay up when he amount will hardly dent your savings.

I am quite shocked that they asked for money - how entitled!
I have been married twice and it didn't even cross my mind that either sets of parents should contribute at all. However, both times we were pleasantly surprised and grateful when the groom's parents gave us £1K as a gift before the wedding.
If my son in the future asks for a contribution like this, before we have the chance to offer/give then I will be very disappointed in him and probably give less!

Trioofprinces - that's just it, they are her savings, to do with as she wishes.
She can spend them on painting her house in chocolate if that is what she chooses! But I am guessing she has savings to fund her through anything that may happen to her or her husband in the future - ill health, retirement, job loss etc.
Her stepsons fiancee has ideas above her station, and if she wants a lavish wedding she should fund it.
The worst bit is them believing all their parents should pay for 3/4 of their wedding. They will only pay £3000 of their own wedding.
They should have the wedding they can afford without relying on family hand outs or loans.

Haggisfish yes they don't have any debts not even a credit card or student loans dss is quite open with his dad about what he /they earn ect

she takes home 1600 a month and he takes home slightly less
I'm fairly generous to them gave them money for flat rental ect
no my family wouldn't be invited it would just be me dh ds and possibly my niece

i just don't like being ambushed and yes i think its a waste of money (imo)

Very rude. Agree parents often do contribute but to be asked and even given an appropriate amount - appalling woman. Tell her no.

I don't have separate finances from Dh as such - but when I met him he couldn't even afford petrol to get to work - I worked 12 hour days as a single parent to pay for what I have, including an endowment for my DD uni fund.

So in 2 years time there is a substantial sum coming my way specifically for DD - exh and I decided to maintain it as it wasn't worth cashing in.

Should I be sharing it then?? Because there is nothing for SD - but whereas we go camping/caravan - SD has a v v expensive 2 week long haul holiday ever year

Thankfully it's in joint with exh name so no amount of pressure is going to change the outcome.

Dh and ex preferred to live in the here and now - I preferred to save.

If different people chose to live a different lifestyle as in mine and ops case - why should ou ascribes then be used to cover other peoples shortfalls??

If different people chose to live a different lifestyle as in mine and ops case - why should ou ascribes your sacrifices then be used to cover other peoples shortfalls??

If you hardly see him, why are you expected to pay?

I think it's normal to pay something towards your child's wedding, so I'd accept that your DH may want to help them out.

Personally, if someone was planning a wedding that cost that much, I wouldn't contribute at all, because I think it's a complete waste of money. I also think the amount you'd be asked for would go up and up.

I think in your position of SM who rarely sees the SC, I'd buy a nice present and that's it.

Your DH would do better saying, "I'll give you £3,000 when you buy a house."

OP

no my family wouldn't be invited it would just be me dh ds and possibly my niece

Well in that case I'd say no - how about Dh - will his family be there??

So did he actually ask and where you there when he did if so OP?

i did a saving plan for my son which was 25 a month for 10 years its just paid out dh didn't want to do one for his boys even though he could afford to do it
mine just paid out just under 5k for my son which i am holding on to for him otherwise he will just blow it on nights out (lol)

It's not stingy not to want to pay for someone else's dream wedding. Suppose my dream is to have a Mercedes.

Children shouldn't expect anything towards their weddings. If they are given something, they should appreciate the gift. Full stop.

I skimmed the thread, so I apologise if I missed this - do you and DH have both shared money and separate money?

I think you and DH should agree on an (appropriate and unpressured, proportionate) amount that you would like to give as a gift, jointly, and do that. Beyond that, if your DH is willing to be pressured into more, that should come from his personal savings and then only if it is truly "expendable", ie, not going to fall to you later to make up when the mortgage comes due, etc.

My DSCs are still only teenagers, and my DD a toddler. My DH is somewhat older than me. When they are adults and looking to get married, it is a pretty sure thing that DH and I will not be in a position to help them out. Which actually, is fair enough - I married DH a year ago and my parents gave us a gift of a couple of hundred pounds, and DH's dad paid for the dinner at our reception. We didn't ask for that, and we were glad to have it. I hope we'll be able to do something nice for DSCs when they marry, similarly - but if they approached me with a financial 'proposal' for splitting the expenses, I'd be pissed.

I would be inclined to offer then a £3k present towards their first house. I would write a lovely letter and an IOU in a beautiful card, with a promise that when they are ready to buy their house, they would have a £3k contribute towards it as a wedding present.

Or something.

I would want to do something big and grand if I had the money, but not towards the wedding, it is far far too much to waste on less than 24 hours of time.

Right, you'll get lots of bosom hoiking about how people on here got married for £3.78, had a sit down meal for 90 guests, cars, flowers, big white dress and never asked their parents for anything towards it. The fact is your DSS has asked you to contribute and has been bold enough to suggest a figure. I don't think £3k is an obscene amount, neither is it an insignificant sum. Would suggest you sit down early on and agree a figure - he may have just plucked an amount out of thin air to test the water.

Alternatively as others have mentioned say you'd rather not give a lump sum, but would prefer to pay for a specific thing i.e. the cars and flowers or the groomsmen and bridesmaids outfits (within an agreed amount, otherwise bride will be phoning Vera Wang...)

DH and I expected nothing from either sets of parents when we married 3 years ago and budgeted accordingly. In the event my parents offered to pay for the church (£400) and my dress (£300). On the other hand I didn't take the piss, I didn't decide to get a £3k dress just because my parents were paying, I decided I would spend no more than I would have if I was spending our own money. We got nothing from DH's parents, which was fine and there was no hard feelings because it was OUR wedding, not theirs.

Sounds like the DSSF is getting a bit carried away in the moment, magazines, bridal fayres and Internet forums can be very seductive places - how can anyone possibly consider getting married without a 10ft chocolate fountain/releasing doves/firework display?!

YANBU. If parents offer to pay for child's wedding, good and well.

We got married over a decade ago and wouldn't have assumed anyone other than the adults getting married was responsible for our costs. You mean I could have hit on the whole extended family and kind of emotionally blackmailed them for dosh for a lake with swans or something!

I think they the expectation belongs in a time warp. Maybe in this time warp, parents can refuse permission to marry, and they can't vote (until land owning and 30 years old). etc., etc.

Don't make others feel they should pay/ waste their money on your chosen fripperies. Big weddings are fripperies. Cut your cloth to suit your measure. Good lesson to learn now.

I'm sure when you didn't overextend yourself in the past to make sure policies were paid, you would have been happy to know money would be earmarked by others in the future for chocolate fountains, mock turtle soup and such.

Obviously real difficulties are different.

Gosh, I sound harsh. I think fancy weddings are extortionate and a huge waste of hard earned money no matter who is paying. Where is my copy of 'L'Avare'. Better still, 'Le Misanthrope'.

I think it's up to your DH. Some parents do very much feel that they would like to pay for their children's wedding. DH and I got married in our early thirties when we were financially comfortable, and made it clear to all parents that we were having the wedding we wanted but that we expected to pay for the whole thing ourselves. In the event, all 3 sets of parents (DH's parents are divorced) insisted on making a contribution for various aspects (meal, cars, flowers) which was very much appreciated, but not in any way expected.

I think for my dad what it came down to was the principle of hospitality, in that he felt he'd received hospitality from a lot of his friends at their children's weddings, so wanted to repay that by paying for the meal at my wedding.

It's very personal though, because as this thread shows, some people do see spending a lot of money on a party as a waste when you could invest it, whereas others think it's great to treat your friends and dont see it as a waste, and never the twain shall meet

I'd forget they asked and let your dh decide how much he wants to give them as a wedding gift. I think it's normal for parents to offer their child a wedding gift. How they spend it is up to them.

There has been a bit of hearsay so it's worth bearing in mind you might have your wires a bit crossed about how it was worded.

You are making judgements about how they are spending their money, and yes they are a bit grabby asking for a cash contribution, but with the amount of money you and dh have in the bank I think it would be very tight to give them nothing.

I suppose it's sensible for them to work out how much is in the pot before they start booking anything. They've clearly gone about it in a horrible tactless way, but I don't think asking whether parents planned to contribute is necessarily wrong. It would be a legitimate question for my newly engaged sister to ask because 1. parents have made vague references to it in the past 2. they contributed to my wedding and have always been careful to treat us fairly.

I didn't ask MIL or SMIL whether they'd contribute as I didn't expect them to. MIL volunteered to pay for flowers, and ended up paying for cake instead, SMIL didn't contribute anything.

That said, the fact that they want £3,000 is neither here nor there. They're not entitled to present you with a bill. You and DH should decide how much you are willing to give them as a wedding gift and consider telling them that now so that they can plan accordingly. I wouldn't pass any comment on their plans unless invited to do so.

Where any money comes from is a difficult one. You should apply the same principles as you would for your son's (notional future) civil partnership. It sounds like you paid the deposit on their flat rental. If that was a gift, rather than a loan, I would have thought you'd done plenty for them.

i agree they shouldn't ask.

Our family paid for certain items, but we budgeting assuming they wouldn't so ILs gave us a set amount to pay/contribute for honeymoon, Grandmother paid for venue hire and my mum paid for dress and flowers. They offered us those without prompting. Maybe by saing you would like to pay for a set item and set an amount you won't then be asked for more money closer to the time? With some of the money we saved we then splashed out for a band which was really liked on the night.

i do see the grabby side but it does seem a bit stingy not to offer something. Although I imagine if I was asked that would make me inclined to say no, especially if speficied an amount. FWIW food was our biggest cost, £30 a head plus drinks soon adds up. i guess what would you have done if not asked and if DH wants to contribute dont feel bad he has to stump up the 3k, it was his decision not to save as much as you.

And another thing, if you're working out contributions, that's the time to work out invitations. If there's any expectation that certain people will/should be invited, now is the time to discuss it. I don't suggest that you should be able to buy seats, but it might help you to know their intentions.

I think it's fair enough for children to discuss wedding plans with their parents and see if a contribution would be forthcoming.

But I don't think it's right for the couoke to specify and amount. They get either a figure, or an offer to cover specific bills, and then work out their plans for the day in light of what they can afford from those donations and their own efforts.

OP: I think you need to think about all your DCs and what financial launching you (as a couple) can afford for each - be it wedding, house deposit, first car, or whatever.

If you want to contribute something - write them a cheque, now, for £x amount and hand it over with a comment about how it will be easier for them to plan their budget.

If you agree to pay 25% of some grand party, that's just dat and writing them a blank cheque.