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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

298 replies

illcryifiwantto · 07/07/2012 09:41

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 07/07/2012 10:01

I feel sick at the thought of 20k for a party.

I know people have different priorities but it just seems like madness to me.

JeezyPeeps · 07/07/2012 10:05

I don't get why this is an issue for you if you keep your finances separate.

If you don't want to contribute, don't. It's up to your dh to decide if he wants to.

CharltonHairstyle · 07/07/2012 10:06

Oooh, it's a tough one.

I am inclined to say if they want to be so extravagant they should pay for it themselves.

haththefecklessbreeder · 07/07/2012 10:07

Yes, I agree with Jeezy - if your finances are separate, then why is it even an issue for you?

Original poster
illcryifiwantto · 07/07/2012 10:08

dh and i have been together 14 years I'm not to big on family get-togethers so as the kids have goten older we /i see them less i guess when they were little it was every weekend as teens it was every other weekend
dss is 22 and fiancé is 23 btw dh see his sons every week often goes up to visit them they live 20mins I'm often working so don't go with him

I hardly see my own son and he live with us ( in the pit he calls his bedroom)
i know that 1500 is not a lot as i do have savings and yes i could replace it its just that i think its a bloody cheek and a waste

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 07/07/2012 10:09

YANBU and I'm flabbergasted that anyone would outright ask for contributions of money towards their wedding! Yes accept offers if they are forthcoming, but to actually ask for say 3 grand is out and out rude and grabby imo.

mumnosbest · 07/07/2012 10:09

this is tough. if i had the money i would do it for my dcs so sdcs should be the same. it sounds a lot but the fact they are willng to save so much would make me want to help if i could. i know its not a competition but are the other parents able and willing to contribute? maybe you could turn the tables and say you had planned to pay for the honeymoon, the cars, the flowers or something else you feel more reasonable rather than just giving money.

you could argue that youre very traditional and believe the brides father should pay Grin

haththefecklessbreeder · 07/07/2012 10:09

So don't pay.

Leave it to your husband.

ChaoticismyLife · 07/07/2012 10:11

YANBU very cheeky of them. If they can't afford it then they should scale it back a bit.

It's all very well saying the OP can afford it but nobody knows what the future holds and she may very well need that money in the future.

Freshletticia · 07/07/2012 10:14

If I were you I would offer to fund one item for the wedding, e.g the flowers, the cars, the champagne and tell them that is all you are prepared to give because you do not believe in wasting money on ostentatious weddings, but also tell them that as their wedding present you are putting the rest of the money aside to add to a deposit on their first house when they are ready.
That extra grand will be much more useful used towards a house.

squeakytoy · 07/07/2012 10:14

I think spending thousands on a wedding is unnecessary and a complete waste of money, more so if you havent even got it in the first place and are poncing off other people.

susiegrapevine · 07/07/2012 10:14

I think the main point here is the fact they have had the bloody cheek to ask you!! How rude! My parents contributed towards my wedding nearly 3 years ago, they gave 2k but I did not ask them to I knew they would cos they promised the same to my sister who got married after me but started planning before. But I would never ever dream of sitting down and asking them! Let alone suggest an amount!!!
Dh's parents did not contribute but they had already given us our early inheritance a couple of years before which we used as a deposit on our flat so did not expect anything from them at all.
And it puts you in a horrid position! Simply rude!!

Mollydoggerson · 07/07/2012 10:15

what will you give them as a gift?

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2012 10:17

Did they actually ask for 3k?

I know you said your son is gay so no wedding, but if he wasn't (or if he has a civil ceremony!) What would you do then and would your DH happily contribute too?

Find the honest answer to that and that is what you should do.

ChaoticismyLife · 07/07/2012 10:19

I half agree with squeaky. If you want to spend thousands and have the money then fine. If you're asking other people to pay for your wedding not fine.

JeezyPeeps · 07/07/2012 10:19

In addition, if your DH wants to contribute, he should decide how much, and be clear that is what they are getting, no more.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 07/07/2012 10:21

I wouldn't regardless of it being for dss or ds.
I couldn't bring myself to help fund such a monumental waste of money.
It's obscene.

In my opinion of course.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 07/07/2012 10:21

If you contribute, you don't have to give anything else afterwards. You say that there will be extras later, but there won't be if you say that you are giving them a certain amount and anything else you spend on the wedding will be for your own outfits. Tell them you won't be giving them any more.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/07/2012 10:21

Its very rude to ask or expect someone else to contribute financially towards your wedding.

I wouldn't give them anything because of that, the principle of it! Bloody rude and immature of them. If they want to live together as independent adults and have an adult marriage then they should pay their own way as adults.

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2012 10:22

Re reading your OP it looks like it was discussed between your DH and DSS when you were not there is that right?

Is it possible that DH wants to do this and is 'running it by you'?

Doingakatereddy · 07/07/2012 10:23

I'm inclined to say pay up - if you don't it may be held against you & will be source of family disputes for years.

Yep, they are adults but he's still your Dh's son

QuintessentialShadows · 07/07/2012 10:24

Yanbu.

To get your point across, you can say that you wont contribute to their fairy tale, but when the time comes for them to get a mortgage and buy a house, you can contribute the amount you would have been asked for towards the wedding, towards the deposit of a home.

Smile sweetly, and say you will instantly put this amount into a high interest account and earmark it their first home.

They can NEVER say anything against that...

RoxyRobin · 07/07/2012 10:25

On a facetious note, they say the bigger the wedding, the shorter the marriage, so maybe you'd be helping them by declining to contribute.

AKE2012 · 07/07/2012 10:25

If my dd wants to get married she will b told to pay for it herself and only hav wat u can afford. Marriage isnt about the wedding. Marriage isnt only for that one day. A lot of people forget that.

OP i think u should let ur DH decide wat he wants to do n u buy them a gift.

Alurkatsoftplay · 07/07/2012 10:26

I sympathise.
DSS is also planning a massive wedding (that I don't think they are able to finance) We're not keen so we're planning to contribute instead to a honeymoon or deposit. He hasn't asked us yet though but I feel it coming!

Is it the 'lavish wedding' or the 'asking for the money' that annoys you most?

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