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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

298 replies

illcryifiwantto · 07/07/2012 09:41

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

OP posts:
GnocchiNineDoors · 07/07/2012 11:00

If you can afford and WANT to contribute a sum of money of your own decided amount then great.

The fact that he has asked and expects you to contribute and has come up with a figure would get my back right up ann would make me seriouslu not want to contribute abything.

AmberLeaf · 07/07/2012 11:01

I don't think you can make comparisons with what the OP would do for her son as I am sure he would not ASK for the money

How could you possibly know that?!

I know a few people who's parents have paid or helped pay for their wedding, none directly asked. More of a conversation about plans and then either a sort of expected or totally unexpected offer to contribute.

edam · 07/07/2012 11:01

It's normal for parents to contribute towards weddings but a bit cheeky of dss to demand £3k.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/07/2012 11:01

I love DS to bits but would rather fund his education or house deposit rather than his wedding. The vows themselves cost little, the rest is just a party thats over and done with in a day.

I actually think he was very cheeky to ask and certainly wouldnt be contributing even if I could easily afford it. Tell them they have years yet to get married so start saving.

DilysPrice · 07/07/2012 11:02

Are they intending groom's parent to pay 2/3 while bride's parents pay 1/3?

glastocat · 07/07/2012 11:02

15k is so not a low budget wedding! Mine was less than 2k including the honeymoon.

They are cheeky buggers for asking! if they want a big do, they can save up and pay for it! I wouldn't give them a penny, but I suppose your husband can make up his own mind.

missmiss · 07/07/2012 11:03

I wouldn't. It's rude of them to have asked and if people want to waste spend such a vast amount on a wedding, they should fund it themselves. They could do it much more cheaply and, presumably, without support. So they ought to.

TheFidgetySheep · 07/07/2012 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 07/07/2012 11:06

Exactly I am zShock at posters on here saying to pay, and that you will get them a gift anyway. That is not the point, they are being rude and cheeky asking, and telling you how much to contribute. It is up to YOU and your dh what gift you get them, not them. Some people have no manners

Ephiny · 07/07/2012 11:06

My parents (and DH's) offered to contribute to our wedding, which was very generous of them.

We would never ever have asked them for money though, never mind 'hinting' at wanting £3k!

It would be nice if you did want to help them out, but it's up to you/DH, and it was very cheeky of them to ask, they should have left it up to you to bring up the subject.

Ephiny · 07/07/2012 11:09

Actually if you and your DH have completely separate finances, surely you can each just do as you choose. So if you don't want to give anything, you don't have to. But equally it's up to him what he wants to do.

balia · 07/07/2012 11:10

If your main objection is the waste, then could you compromise with yourself and give a cash present you consider appropriate towards something you are happier with eg honeymoon, setting up home costs? That would free up their own money to spend on the wedding.

Do you think, though, that you might be worrying about this because you feel he might be making a mistake?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/07/2012 11:11

£15k is not obscene Hmm But it is not low budget either.

I never understand why people give a flying fuck how much money other people spend on their weddings.

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 07/07/2012 11:13

I think all of the parents being asked for money should say NO!
3K each couple is far too much to ask for. Infact asking for any money is disgusting and grabby.
We asked for one thing from my dad - that he turn up (he lives abroad) and he did.
We asked DHs parents to help with setting the room up on the day, and to use his Dads membership to book the room (brought price down for us to pay - his dad was already a member so he just authorised our booking and saved us £40). That is it.
We saved up to pay for our wedding, we had the wedding we could afford, which was £1,500 in total!
I think that if she is desperate for a white wedding she should earn the money to pay for it. Then if you choose to help out offer them what you want be it time or money.
How will they ever learn to stand on their own two feet if they know they only have to ask and you will all cough up?!

eslteacher · 07/07/2012 11:13

YANBU. Weddings are a giant rip-off in my opinion, and I wouldn't be happy at being asked to contribute so much to such a lavish affair that the couple themselves clearly can't afford.

I'd feel much more inclined to offer a contribution if they hadn't asked directly for such a big sum of money! But the way you have described it, it seems they are EXPECTING their parents to finance the majority of it, and are capitalising on the fact that your DSS has two separate parental households.

I am a step-mum too, and like you and your DH, my DP and I keep our finances separate. I regularly and happily pay out small costs for DSS from my personal finances (food, presents, trips out etc) but I would not be happy paying out a big sum like that. I sort of think the question "what would you do if he was your own child" is a bit redundant, because he isn't your own child, he is your step-child and it's a different relationship and a different set of circumstances.

All that said, I can see how for you the issue might be...if you let your DH pay it (as it really is his responsibility IMO) then he is out of pocket, and because you love your DH you feel bad for him more than feeling bad for your DSS? Thus you are tempted to contribute for your DH's sake even though you don't agree with it?

eslteacher · 07/07/2012 11:15

Just to clarify...I don't mean it's your DH's responsibility to pay the £3,000 - just that IF money is paid out at all, it should be coming from him not you.

Mrsjay · 07/07/2012 11:16

TBH parents not paying for a wedding is a newish thing although i paid for mine my parents did give us some money but we had a small wedding, I think if your Stepsons dad wants to pay some money then why not, is it because they asked is that why it has riled you ?

DilysPrice · 07/07/2012 11:17

And 5,000 unfortunately is not an abnormal amount to spend on a sits down meal with lots of booze for 50-100 people.

If your DH is on good enough terms with ex,maybe they could form a united front and put the case for scaling down the wedding, but honestly I'd think that £1,500 was a price well worth paying to avoid a massive family row. £3,000 towards your only child's wedding is an entirely normal gift.

Mrsjay · 07/07/2012 11:18

you know i misread the amount 15k pfft tell them to shove it Grin

crescentmoon · 07/07/2012 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lindax · 07/07/2012 11:21

Traditionally (many years ago!) the parents of the bride paid for and organised the majority of the wedding and the invitations to the wedding were from the wedding host - the brides parents. (think parents of the groom did grooms family cars and maybe first drink or something).

Now couples want to host and make their own decisions for lavish weddings so they should pay for it.

It is imo out of order to expect/ask for contributions to your wedding. Any contribution from any family member should be seen as a generous gift. It is also very out of order to put pressure/guilt on one parent/family to contribute the same another has.

You and dh should decide what you want to do let the couple know. If you wish to contribute it should be a figure you decide not a % of the costs of the wedding they have decided they want to host. If they cant afford it they cut back their budget, or wait longer to save for it.

On saying all that, 9 years ago my parents gave us a gift that covered nearly the full cost of our wedding (£200 Grin).

nkf · 07/07/2012 11:22

it's wedding threads galore for me. I kind of think as your finances are separate anyway, you let DH do what he wants. And come up with a wedidmg present. 5K to feed 100 people is obscene, Utterly obscene.

Nikkim30 · 07/07/2012 11:29

I think it's rude of them to ask/ expect a contribution, but most parents would want to contribute something, i.e to pay for the car or something similar.

My husband and I don't have much money but wouldn't have dreamed of asking for our parents to pay, luckily our parents were generous but we still insisted on paying for what we could afford.

If they hadn't of asked would you have offered something? Is it the principle if it now?

anyoneknowanything · 07/07/2012 11:35

I don't give a fuck what other people spend - but classing £15k as "low budget" shows a skewed sense of finances.

Nor do I see why there has to be lots of booze.

I suppose it bugs me a little because I know we are going to be pressured for loads of money - for a wedding we can't afford, and that if we are lucky DH will be entitled to and that when he says shove it no - he will be seen as a mean ogre.

Prom was bad enough - SDs dress alone cost 5 times more than my (pure silk) wedding dress - and we were seen as the big baddies because we refused to shell out appropriately (in SDs eyes).

Actually being allowed sight of her in her finery may have losened dhs pocket to spend even more money we couldn't afford.

anyoneknowanything · 07/07/2012 11:36

Invited to not entitled to