aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

[illcryifiwantto]

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

This is the first of many threads I reckon. Do what seems right to you. What woul you have done if they hadn't asked? Do that.

Keeping money separate obviously does lead to problems, you've got one now! You don't want to pay and he does!
Never understood separate accounts when you are married.Any money you have belongs to both of you.
And I do not think you are being unreasonable in not paying. If they can't afford a big white wedding that is their problem not yours. It's one of life's big lessons, you can only have what you can afford. In my case a register office wedding with 20 family members, all back to our flat afterwards! £500 max!!

If the money was in the same account, there's still be a problem There's a difference of opinion.

I feel quite bad now!

When we set our date, we worked out a rough budget based on what we could realistically save and afford. We knew our parents would want to contribute in some form, but it was never expected and neither me or DH raised the subject with our parents.

As it was, we set a budget of £10k as that was what we could afford ourselves, and I worked in the industry so had plenty of mates rates and freebies etc. My parents ended up paying 2 thirds and inlaws a third. Then DH's gran announced that she wanted to contribute, but the bill was taken care of so she sent my mum a cheque for £1k. We ended up under budget, at about £9.5k. We had everything as we planned to initially, but added on some more drinks and canapes at my mum's insistance, and there were a few more guests of our parents which took our numbers from 88 to 102. The only thing we paid for ourselves was our rings. We used the £10k for our honeymoon instead, with the blessing of all parents. We asked for their input on some things, but they were happy for us to have the wedding we wanted, and insisted on paying - especially my mum who was so proud and beaming on the day when people kept complimenting her on what a lovely wedding it was.

I would definitely intend to treat all children the same. I would let them know how much they will receive and tell them they can have it for house/wedding/first car/whatever and let them know it is available whenever they want it but make it clear that that is it.
Decide as a couple what that sum is, but deduct the £500 already given for your DSS from the amount for any other children so that they are all treated fairly. It is then a gift to set them up in life and how they choose to spend it is up to them, but it must be fair.

YANBU! If my DC get married I'll probably pay for a part of it. But to come up with a figure and demand it from you? Not on! Lots of us want things that we can't afford. They need to learn that before they have kids and a house.

yanbu to feel they were cheeky asking

yabu to stop dh contributing himself

yabu if you would fund your own dc but not dsc

yanbu to fund or not fund as you see fit

i just don't like being ambushed and yes i think its a waste of money (imo)

I think this is the key tbh. You sound like you are happy to support the couple but disapprove of lavish weddings.

What about deciding on an amount that you would be happy to give them as a contribution to their married life. If they choose to spend it on the wedding so be it. Money gifts with conditions attached are not really gifts IMO.

the thing is i have saved for my son for 10 years and its just payed out this year dh decided he didn't want to do this for his boys so they don't have a lump sum of money even though my son isn't having his until he either passes his test or want a deposit for a house ect my point is i have saved this not dh

its not the money more so that i feel that I'm being railroaded  and not even by dh but by the whole expectation that we will /he will pay for a percentage of it       

AmberLeaf No i wasn't there dss fiancé mentioned it to dh when he was visiting

dh didn't say anything either way just came home and told me what was said that they were planning a big wedding and that would like parents to contribute

also if dh & his wife were together and they want 3k from them it seems like they are getting double the amount because parents are separated if you see what i mean

and yes those of you who said in view of my savings 1500 isn't a lot in the sense that yes i /we are mortgage free have a very good income individually and we both have a fair amount of savings that i never touch

Nagoo

im not sure what you mean when you say I'm making judgment on how they spend there money when they want me to spend my money

they havnt saved a penny even though prior to this they were both living at home with there parent and paying 30 -40 a week rent each

they didn't have the money for the flat 1500 so i gave them 500 dh gave them 500 and they borrow 500 from dss brother (lol) which they have paid back

I suppose if I'm honest i could easily save up the 1500 in a short time and it wouldn't affect my standard of living and not touch my savings for it but again if I'm honest i can think of other things i would rather spend my money on if i had to not feeding and watering people that i don't really know i

The DSS's parents are expected to pay out twice as much as the bride's parents, then?

I'm divorced and would never expect my ex's new wife to pay anything. Why should she? Also, I wouldn't want her to have any say in anything, either. She sees them rarely - contributing opinions or money isn't right.

If I were you I would then say that you are not contributing to the wedding, but will buy a washing machine or couch or something practical. I don't think you can tell your DH what to do with his money though.

jamdonut its never been a problem till now we have always kept our money and bills and savings seperate ( without outing myself ) dh and i although we are married and have been for 14 years kept separate houses when the kids were small as it was easier for us to do so and it worked very well for us and always has done
i paid for my house and bills + dh house was paid for anyway when we met he lived with me but kept his house so that when he had his kids he would have them at his house might sound strange but its worked great for us as i said early i wasn't a traditional stepmother but we never had the big rows and ups and down that most step families have we had holidays together with all the kids and dh often took his kids away on his own and likewise for me but its never been an issue for any of them or us

and of course i would give them a gift i did for the engagement however i think those of you that said dh should just give it out his money are right and i think I'm going to follow on with my usual policy of detach and just say that will be nice for you and not get involved

squidgy nothing to feel guilty about you were offered.

ImperialBlether that one thing that is irritating me as well while dh and his ex wife might have to contribute say 6k the fiancé parent would contribute 3k

so dss parents are paying out far more

i know i shouldn't be thinking like this and yes its dhs money but i get the feeling that at some point dh will be asking me to put something towards it if not half and if i say no not a chance it will be the first big row that we have ever had with regards to money as its never been a issue before

I wouldn't expect dh to pay for my sons wedding /party ect help arrange it maybe but not contribute money wise

you know when you can feel it festering inside thats how i feel right now and i don't like it

squidgy don't feel guilty you set a budget and worked from that and your parents were happy to help you out
with us its different i get the feeling that they would want the money then dss fiancé mum would take over

also it sounds bad but i would feel evil if i contributed and gave 1500 and then they split up ect which while it might not seem nice to think like this they are young and a lot can happen between now and 2 -3 years time
so i suppose its a case of giving it as a gift and thats it really but i would still feel evil if the money was wasted as deposits

the thing is i have saved for my son for 10 years and its just payed out this year dh decided he didn't want to do this for his boys so they don't have a lump sum of money

This is exactly the same as me. Its not for me to provide for SD that's her mum and dads job - and as far as saving goes - they haven't.

That's fine - they think different things are important - but when SD is here crying she has no money to go to uni (while planning 3rd expensive trip this year), with the clear implication that my DD has - I literally have to bite my tongue - no one handed me anything on a plate - I worked my arse of for what we have - including the roof over my head.

OP stick to your guns - especially if your family isn't being invitied - you clearly aren't being seen as an "equal" parent. So why pay out like one.

shewhowines @12:55:39, best post!

illcry you are not 'watering and feeding people you don't know'.
You are giving a wedding gift to your dh's child.
It doesn't matter how they use it, on a white wedding, on pizzas and ballons, on purple wedding dress, on lime green car...Its their wedding.

As i said earlier you can make it 1K and spend £500 on your ds or on yourself.
And i would think that this is something you expect when you marry a man who has children.

I rhink you are being very honest about the uncomfortable feelings the request has thrown up. I forget how old they are but the fact they couldn't or didn't save up for the deposit sits ill with me as well. They do sound a bit as if they expect things and are not very organised or sensible with wedding.

I would find it hard to spend a lot of money on my own wedding never mind someone else's. It's hard to give a gift you don't think is worth it. But I'm not sure it's right that these two people should have such an input. Not good for them possibly. How old are they?

YANBU. DH and I paid for our own wedding, my mother was determined to buy my dress (so I shopped around and it was a third of the price in the sale) and she also was determined to pay a few thousand to us. But we didn't ask for that. DHs mother refused to pay a penny towards it as she had contributed towards his first wedding.

I should add that the first one was a low budget registry affair with a meal for ten people afterwards mine was far far nicer, DH said it was by far the best as her liked the person he was marrying

Oh and we provided drinks with the meal (contributed by kindly relative with a quite awesome taste in wine) but we did have a pay bar in the evening which everyone was happy with

they should save up and pay for their own wediing

And is it a gift if it's asked for?
I thinks their wedding, their special day etc is a load of baloney and the sense of entitlement creates half the problems. Why on earth should a woman with no savings and a full time job think a combination of people should spend on her wedding? It's the marriage that matters. Support that to the hilt but a £15k wedding. An anything K wedding. Why shoild she think it's okay to ask for someone else to pay?

Maybe your DH should talk to his ex wife and suggest that as her parents are paying £3K (if they are that is, they may well say No!) that as his parents they should give £3k between them. That way his sons family pay £3K and son to be DIL's family pay £3k.
Why should one side of the family pay more?
I still think they should self fund, and then if you all as parents wish to make a gift of money for the day they should be very greatful for whatever you give.
(For what it is worth, my gift from my dad was him attending and a fire guard as I had a young baby . But I still said thank you, as all I wanted was for my dad to be there could have done without him complaining about the choice of food, loudness of the music and chosen venue but there you go )

I am a SM and I have contributed to my DSS's wedding (more than the OP is proposing). I don't see the problem with it and I don't think the cost of the OP's SS's wedding is particularly high, it was about the same for DSS's wedding and they had to cut a lot of corners, use ebay a lot etc.

For me and DH it was a way of helping DSS celebrate a significant milestone in his life, in our families it is a given that parents will help out and something DH and I both agree on, I don't see it as less of my responsibility just because DSS isn't my biological child, I have played a big part in his life over the years.

I think we offered to pay first but I don't get the issue with the DSS asking for the money tbh. It was always expected in our family as we have contributed to all the children's weddings, university, first car/home costs etc, DH and I expected to do it and the children knew we'd always offer that support. So it wouldn't have been presumtious if he'd asked, because it's just normal to expect that kind of thing really.

zzzzz dh could save far more if he wanted to he just doesn't preferring to spend it on his car ect but thats his choice

nfk they are 22 + 23

ImperialBlether i do see dss a fair bit he pops if he is working in the area maybe twice a week to see his dad i get along with him fine he is a nice kid fiancé though i have only met her a handful of times she seem nice enough
and thats it we or i would be expected to contribute but have no say

Laquitar but they aren't kids anymore they are adults as such, both working full time with no debts, when they were younger in there teens i was more than happy to help out if i was asked to ( as i mentioned in earlier threads I'm not a traditional stepmother in that sense ) its why when dh and i got together we didn't move in together even though we were married we lived together 80 percent of the time but i thought and still do believe that its important for young kids to not to be uprooted just because there dads gets remarried so we kept the set up the same for a very long time
I've never ever contributed to them they have a mum and dad

I have given them gifts of my own choice and have let them money ( which i got back as promised )

In the same way that dh dosnt contribute financially to my sons upkeep
he dose it in other ways and he was first to go down to the school and raise hell when my son was being bullied because he came out ( even went to the kids house and gave him a good talking to with regards to bother my son again
just because your married to someone with kids dosnt mean you have to pick up the bills all the time for them i didn't want that In my relationship there are other ways that you can be a good stepparent without throwing cash around