aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

[illcryifiwantto]

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

YANBU. I had a small wedding despite having plenty of savings. I didn't want to waste my money on a wedding when it would be better spent on a house or something important. I certainly wouldn't waste someone else's money on a big fancy wedding day.

Haven't read all 12 pages, but YANBU!

Like the poster above we had plenty of savings when we got married but did not spend them on a wedding. I think it's such a waste of money to blow on just one day.

If my DD gets married one day, I'd expect her to pay for her own wedding.

Obviously we'd help her out on the way to becoming an adult, she'll always have a home here and we'd never charge her rent. We hope to pay for her education and help her out with her first car so she can travel to college or work but once she is an adult, I would expect her to budget accordingly and save for the things she wants to buy or do. That is how my parents brought me up and I never thought they were mean, I'm glad they taught me to plan and save ahead.

If she was in trouble I'd help her but I don't think it does anyone any favours by giving out money willy nilly for frivoulous spends.

Can I just make a point about getting married mid-week, and it being 'so much cheaper'?

If, say, 50 of your guests have to take a day off to attend, effectively losing a day's pay (£50-£100?), then your guests are actually effectively making a £2.5k - £5k contribution to the cost of your wedding. Before gifts/outfits/travel etc.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep never thought of it like that i will remember that should they decide to book a midweek wedding (lol)

DueinSeptember that my point but they dss & fiancé don't have any savings at the moment so i don't see why i or anyone really should shell out money if they are not willing to even begin to start saving

if it was a matter of a roof over there head or something like that then of course ( and i have) and would give money willingly but for one day just seems a total waste

You have 5k put aside for your 18YO son. You plan to buy him a car and you already paid for half his holiday to South Africa.

FGS let your husband pay 3k to his son for his wedding if he likes. He has savings, let him do what he wants.

And stop building up the fiancée as some kind of dog-hating witch, you've met her three times, you barely know her, give her the benefit of the doubt. You weren't even there when DSS asked his dad if he would help out with the wedding so don't make out like the fiancée is a grabby bitch!

And finally please stop patting yourself on the back for 14 years of step parenting with no big rows. That's actually very normal. (And for most of that time you chose to barely see the kids so not REALLY a diplomatic coup on your part!)

ilcryidiwant- really nosey sorry.
These policies for your son that pay out at 18- what are they? ive been looking for somehting similar myself?

dont agree to paying anything until they are at least saving themselves. make it fun, get the girlfriend round with wine and open an online wedding account together.
then look at what %she can afford to save each month and then him too. have magazines and brochurs (mind had gone blank on the spelling) and get excited together.

You don't seem to know what the split is between the various parents so how can you determine it's not fair?

You say that you assume the fiancee's mum will be asked for 3K but you don't know that do you? The fiancee's mum might be giving more.

I've no experience of stepparenthood but I know that in our house any money is joint money so the contribution would come from 'us' rather than half from each of us.

Yes, mid week weddings cost the same amount normally, it's just you transfer some of the wedding costs from the couple to the guests, that was our opinion anyway when we were looking at weddings. It's up there with deciding not to provide wine with the meal (cash bars in evening does, acceptable, cash bar for sit down meal, not acceptable)

Can't face reading through all of the posts but I do sympathise with you and think the way the bride to be and dss are coming across is entitled and greedy in asking for what is imo a large amount of money.

It would be a nice gesture for dh to make a contribution towards the wedding. Howver, I do think that dss and df should make the commitment of paying the deposits before you give anything even if they have to save up to do it.

I wonder if the best way forward might be for dh and exw to discuss the issue together and work out what they would like to give which avoids one giving significantly more than the other and causing embarassment and people being played off one against the other. Then both can give 'their' share as a gift from themselves and their new partner iyswim. At the same time make it clear that there's no more coming.

Well it's tradition for the bride's parents to pay. But things have moved on since then. If I had plenty of money then I would pay up. It really is very difficult to advise without knowing your circumstances. I agree with offering to pay for expenses generally met by the grooms side of the family. Cars I think is one if I remember correctly.

I don't think I'd be happy to contribute £1,500 unless I was quite well off and wouldn't miss it. And of course it depends on how many children you have. A lot of people these days think that their children should pay for their own wedding.

I don't think you should be asked to pay.
You should pay only if you wanted to.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza if you read my pos t i havnt said anywhere in any posts that i had any objections to dh giving his money towards it i said that i didn't want to contribute towards it if i was asked to split it between us both what dh dose with his money is up to him likewise what i do with my money is up to me we are both ok with this agreement and always have been

your right i don't know the fiancé however none of us dh included are the sort of people who have big family get-togethers or partys or spend huge amount of time with each other

dss spend a lot of time with his fiancés family and she dose seem to be a nice girl, but she dosnt like dogs, but thats neither here nor there and it was said as a joke you obviously didn't get that part of it

and its not that i didn't choose to see the kids, i often saw them in passing but not for a whole day dh and i both thought it was important that the kids when they were younger saw plenty of there dad on there own - so that they had quality time with their dad - we didn't want to force them all together and say right this is how it is now you all have to get on - whats wrong with that i didn't have a problem with it and neither did they

i wasnt patting myself on the back simply pointing out that i don't have any issues with my step kids or their mum we all get on just fine

Jins dss and fiancé asked for 3k from dh, 3k from their mum and fiancé mum was putting 3k in as well i wasn't there when this was said but dh told me this i have no problem if he want to put his 3k into the pot but i don't want to put half of it if I'm asked the reason i posted this was to see if i was being unfair to not want to put money into it and wanted to be clear on why i wasn't going to give any and not just saying no

MarigoldsInTheWindow i hardly know dss fiancé so i don't think i will be doing the wedding brochures and online savings with her she is doing all this with her mum which i think is right
i will pm you about the policies that i had

I'm happy to give them something ( most likely cash )once they are married but not before and i don't see that there is anything wrong with that

That really is breathtakingly cheeky of them! I wouldn't give them a cent, the nerve of them!

Oh I see there's an unequal split between the bride and groom's parents and you were just wondering if you were unfair not to contribute to you DHs share.

Well as you have maintained segregation in your accounts for 14 years then I can see why you're asking whether you should contribute.

In our house it's we and our. Our savings, our gift, etc. So I don't know. Sorry

jins thats right although it nothing to do with me ( unless of course i am asked to contribute) i think that dh and ex wife if they were going contribute should give the same amount as the fiancés parents that way it would be fair

but it seems that because they are divorced its fair game to hustle for double the amount from each parent that what i was struggling with

very tricky, weddings are such political nightmares.
Understand how you feel but on the other hand I dont blame them for asking, dont ask - dont get and they know where they stand and what kind of wedding they can afford.
they will be footing a bill for the whole family and sometimes parents family friends, then the nightmare of so and so wasnt invited but on her side - x was....

maybe they would like to run off to paris but are putting feelers out....also i dont know how well you get on with the mum - but its another sad nightmare for families if steps/parents dont get on...

if you have been a long term step mum and would do this for your own id say just do it - there are so many miserable things - funerals - tragedies- jump at weddings and births and make them a happy time...

has DH been finically supportive of his DC? i have friend whose real dad wasnt - they expected them to invite people to the wedding they didnt know - and werent prepared to chip in, they did have some savings but were still on a budget and had a sort of budget wedding.

HOwever the step dad whom had brought the DD up - but now divorced happily chipped in a few grand - even though it was understood for the mums sake he wouldnt attend....so she could relax etc...

Oh so Judgemental as far as your concerned if you give someone a gift you expect to be able to dictate terms under the guise of (something worthwhile in my opinion). Your money you do with it as you see fit but don't think that that gives you the right to dictate to people how they live their lives thats not really a gift and its very controlling.

I would be very interested to find out what your DH thinks of all this,

oh you know when you married him that the law only considers all your assets joint regardless of how you deal with them on a day to day basis included your dogs.

elizaregina

nope they defiantly want the big white wedding no running off to Paris to elope

i have been a long term step mum 14 years ++ kids have never lived with us

dh has always been financially supportive of the kids, help them with driving lessons always had them religiously ever weekend when little moving to every other weekend when they hit teens

all parents i.e. me dh and ex wife and ex wife husband all get on fine no backstabing or issues their dh or i don't really no fiancés parents

i don't have a problem with them asking, as you say don't ask don't get, but i don't like to be feeling like a spoilsport when i say no sorry its down to your dad to pay it it not me

to be honest i think its all come to a bit of a stop at the moment as dss mum has made it quite clear that unless they at least attempt to match the majority of what they are asking from everyone else she isn't going to give them anything either

I would encourage your DH to make a contribution when the time comes, keep your own money BUT make sure you tell them, I wont be contributing, however I will be covering the cost of the wedding present. That way - they hopefully wont view you as a miserable so and so....that sounds fair to me.

I'm amazed that anyone without any savings themselves would assume their parents would have £15-20k lying around to spend on a wedding! They are being totally unrealistic - I'm surprised no-one has told them this! Presumably everyone is just hoping they'll come to their senses?

When it's gone, it's gone - and having blown it all on what is essentially a huge dinner party, how how do they think they ever be able to put together a deposit for a mortgage when they are renting and earning such an unremarkable income between them?

Tell them they need to get real about what they can afford, rather than expecting to wipe out your husband's meagre savings. He has fewer earning years ahead of him and needs it more than they do!

As for you contributing - I'd say you just don't have that kind of spare money, and they should save up and plan the kind of marriage they can afford. I think £1,000 from each set of parents would be a more than generous amount to start their married life.

Have only read around half the thread but also find this a totally amazing request!

My parents aren't into fancy weddings. They got married in the 70s at a registry offices with family only as witnesses - my mum wore black!! They gave me a couple of thousand pounds when I was 18 in bonds. It was to use for a house purchase. I have put that money into our mortgage savings acct now.

We are getting married next month but it honestly wouldn't occur to me for a single second to spend it on the wedding because my parents gave me that money for a purpose. That's their right to decide.

If you think big weddings are a waste you shouldn't have a pop at people who like them, but equally people who like them shouldn't expect you to fund theirs!

on the other hand op - has your son lived with you and Dh and if so, how do you work out bills etc then.....

i was just thinikng the other DSS may think DH has covered your sons bills for a long time.....