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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

298 replies

illcryifiwantto · 07/07/2012 09:41

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

OP posts:
Sunnydelight · 07/07/2012 10:26

I think it's really off for them to ask tbh, they are obviously planning a wedding THEY can't afford. If parents offered to help that would be one thing, but the presumption is really rude. I think you are also being wise in thinking that the costs may very well end up higher as if it's not their money there will be very little incentive for them to reign it in.

That's not really the point here though is it, you have been asked so you need to work out your response. Obviously if your DH wants to cough up the full amount it is up to him. Personally I would come up with a figure between you that you are happy to give and tell them that is what you are willing to contribute and it is an absolute one-off gift, not some kind of downpayment on a percentage of the cost.

Pseudo341 · 07/07/2012 10:27

YANBU but if I had 50k in the bank I'd hand over £1500 for the sake of good relations. Don't give them any bailouts in the future though.

Nanny0gg · 07/07/2012 10:29

We (and most of my friends) gave a lump sum to our children towards their wedding, as did the other set of parents, whether it was a son or daughter iyswim. The Happy Couple then coughed up the rest themselves as they then knew how much more they had to find and could budget (or not) accordingly.

It's obviously up to you, but it does seem to me to be an element of 'he's not my son, so it's nothing to do with me' in your post.

What will you give them as a wedding present if you don't contribute to the day?

ujjayi · 07/07/2012 10:29

Why can't people have the wedding THEY can afford? I am really astounded that individuals who consider themselves mature enough to marry are then prepared to ask their parents to pay for it? It really is ridiculous.

For me the issue is not how much they asked for but the fact that they asked at all. I have several nieces and nephews getting married over the next two years. If they came to me and asked for a contribution to something specific in lieu of a gift I would be very happy to oblige (eg the cake or brides' flowers). If they just came out and said "give us 3k for the general wedding fund" I would say no.

I just can't understand people who spend 20k on a wedding. It makes my head spin. It is one day and is no reflection on the love you have for each other nor the likely success of your marriage.

anyoneknowanything · 07/07/2012 10:30

This bugs the hell out of me. You want a ridiculously expensive wedding - pay for it.

Also I wouldnt be paying towards a wedding I am not going to be an active part of and neither will DH, I can see this being us in a few years, but we are debt ridden and have no money.

pinkyredrose · 07/07/2012 10:30

YANBU 5k for a meal is obscene.

NervousAt20 · 07/07/2012 10:32

YANBU

If they want to have a huge over the top wedding then that's completely up to them but they should be the ones to pay for it and not have the cheek to say we want 3K from you, you and you. If they can't afford the type of wedding they want themselfs then scale back or wait until they can

I wouldn't give that money for one day

ChasedByBees · 07/07/2012 10:33

Wow, I'm amazed at the cheek of them asking. I wanted a nice wedding so my DH and I paid for it. I would never have dreamt of asking my parents for money like that.

Sabriel · 07/07/2012 10:34

My parents paid for my wedding, but that was 30 years ago when it was still normal to go straight from parents to marriage. We didn't live together first. Anyhow, because they were paying they got to have the say over budget, venue, meal etc. The ILs put some money over the bar but that was it. (and got no say in the arrangements)

I think it's a cheek to plan a £5k sit down meal and expect someone else to pay, and would be inclined to suggest that if you are paying then you get to choose! Far more normal for specific people to pay for flowers, cake, cars etc if contributing. In your case I wouldn't be inclined to go along with it at all. If your DH wants to then let him. As your finances are separate it shouldn't affect you.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/07/2012 10:34

So you gave him 500 towards their flat deposit recently and now they are asking for money towards their wedding! Next it will be when they want to buy, when they have their first child, when they need a new car . . . !

So rude. I don't agree with whoever said that you should give then the money to avoid family rows, if the family will row with you because of what you choose to do with your own money (not hand it over on demand!) then they aren't family you want around. None of their business!

I also don't agree that you should say you are putting the money towards their first house purchase, just because you are not obliged to contribute towards their life financially at all.

If you chose to it should be as a gift not because they feel entitled.

Wheezo · 07/07/2012 10:34

I just think that your DH pays the £3k for his son's wedding (and makes it clear it has cleared his savings out so no more) and you save your savings for when you want to contribute to your son's wedding (have been to a few fantastic civil partnerships ceremonies in the past year) if he wants one. That's fair - you both fund your own DCs weddings etc? You've already contributed £500 to your DSS moving into a new flat.

I have a gay friend whose family seem to view him as the family mealticket which really pisses me off for him i.e.. the assumption that he won't have DC of his own means he should be supporting his single mother step-sister and her child (which he does and is very generous) and support his step-brother with the arrival of his second child - and be a guarantor for his dad and step-mum for their mortgage etc etc. He earns good money (because he works hard), is the youngest of a blended family, and has a generous nature but it annoys me for him because I know he would love a family/to settle down one day and yet his family seem to think any disposable cash of his should come their way simply because in their view - what does he need it for?

BlueFergie · 07/07/2012 10:36

A lot of parents I know contributed a lump sum to their kids wedding. Usually about ?1k. This is what I plan to do with my kids. Tell them up front, here is x amount for your wedding. It's your wedding present but giving it in advance to help with costs. Then it's clear there will ne no more forthcoming or no expensive present.
Were you planning a present? Can you just give them the value of that?

QuintessentialShadows · 07/07/2012 10:37

Actually, I seemed to have missed your middle posts.

I would not contribute anything. They are young and silly. Save your money for your own son, and let your dh contribute to the madness if he wants to. His call.

akaemmafrost · 07/07/2012 10:37

I hope I will be in a position to assist my dc if the time comes but for myself I wouldn't expect anyone but the other person involved and myself to pay for MY wedding. Honestly it's ridiculous when grown adults expect their parents to pay vast sums of cash so they can flounce around in a frilly white frock/outdated impractical suit for a day.

Laquitar · 07/07/2012 10:39

I think it doesn't matter how they spend it, its what they want.

I assume this 3K will be your gift? (not extra gift on top of that) The whole amount of 20K for wedding sounds a bit much to me (although i think that many would say thats low budget) but 3k for his child's wedding is not that high considering that people spend 300 or 400 pounds for 3nd and 4th birthday parties!

A friend of mine has 2 sons, one got married, the other is guy and anti-marriage. When she contributed to the wedding she gave a similar amount to her other son too.
So, maybe you can give 1K to dss for the wedding and 500 to your ds for holidays.

maybenow · 07/07/2012 10:39

I think it was totally wrong to ask but I also think your DH should contribute (maybe just him rather than you and him going halfers, even though if you have joint finances it will have the same end result).

We didn't ask anybody for anything but my parents insisted on giving us £1k to go away for a few days to venice after the wedding (our actual 'honeymoon' was actually a year later, for various reasons) and my Dhs mum insisted on giving £4k because that's what she spent on DSILs wedding and insisted it be the same. Dhs dad and step mum didn't offer anything (but i think gave us a present).

maybenow · 07/07/2012 10:41

oh and whatever your DH contributes, he should do it now, in a cheque and make it clear that's it, no more, even if costs increase - that's their problem.

Haggisfish · 07/07/2012 10:43

Really? I think you are being a bit U. Most parents do contribute to weddings these days (and have done for donkeys years - it used to be a dowry!). And, actually, in terms of weddings £15k isn't actually that much - £50k, yes. I tried for as low a budget wedding as possible and it was still £15k, and that was doing things like having the homemade wedding cake for desert (saved £600 that way!), buying our own wine for dinner, very small token favours etc. I loved every minute of my wedding, though and paid for a large chunk of it ourselves - both my parents did contribute, and I was so grateful. I am quite sure my step mother would have had my dad contribute nothing though. If your DH has the savings and wants to contribute, I think he should. Do you know for a fact they haven't got any debt - no mortgage, student loans etc?

pigletmania · 07/07/2012 10:44

YANBU at all how rude and grabby. They are adults, they earn good money they should pay for it themselves or not have a big wedding at all

anyoneknowanything · 07/07/2012 10:46

is the exw going to pay towards her sons wedding?? Doubt it.

Also OP will all your family be invited?Doubt it.

iscream · 07/07/2012 10:49

I like the idea mentioned about giving each of your children each a set amount of money (and tell them to spend it wisely.)

I think I will mention that idea to dh for our kids.

anyoneknowanything · 07/07/2012 10:49

A low budget wedding £15k, thats not low budget sorry, I spent less than £2k, and that was a gourmet 3 course meal for 65, evening do, 2 bridesmaids, DH clothes, 2 suits for ushers and clothes for a baby.

It can be done by haggling, getting married mid week, calling in favours for presents, not booking as wedding.

£15k is obscene.

PooPooInMyToes · 07/07/2012 10:52

On the one hand if your dh gives them the money they've asked for it won't effect you. But, even though you don't have joint finances it will effect you if you suddenly really need some money as a couple. Say your house needs underpinning, or you need to pay for expensive surgery or something. All of a sudden he has less savings and you have to pay out more.

Haggisfish did you expect or ask your family to give you money for your wedding or did they offer it as a present?

MrsBradleyCooper · 07/07/2012 10:56

I can't believe people are saying to just pay it to keep good family relations! What sort of adults are these pair going to turn into if they think they can just go to the Bank of Dad and SMum every time they want to do something they can't afford! I am dumbstruck that they would have the audacity to ask! Whole different story if you had offered.

I don't think you can make comparisons with what the OP would do for her son as I am sure he would not ASK for the money.

Completely agree with PooPooInMyToes (great name Grin )

PooPooInMyToes · 07/07/2012 10:58

Why thank you Grin

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