aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

[illcryifiwantto]

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

ZillionChocolate i think they expect /want money because
1 i am as a rule pretty generous and easy going with money although it might not seem like it from what i have posted

2 dh and i have several dogs that we do ( i will admit) spend a small fortune on each month but they are our hobby as well as pets and we were thinking of getting another dog as our old one died a few months ago the dogs are in the region of 1 - 1500 So i guess they think that if we /i can spend money on a dog we can give them money for the wedding ( But a dogs for life and not just for one day - lol )

(i expect the next thing that fiancé will mention is that we should sell our dogs or not get another one in fact i wish she would cos then dh would tell her fuck off to the far side not much comes between dh and his dogs )

My dh and I spent a lot of money on our wedding. It was before kids, we already had a house and we both worked in the city and were well paid. We expected we would pay for it ourselves out of savings. Both sets of parents offered to contribute so I showed both of them our budget and said it was very kind of them to offer and perhaps they'd like to look at our plans and see what they'd like to contribute. ILs paid for wine/champagne at the reception and the cake and my parents paid for traditional parents of the bride things - my dress, jewellery, and some other things. We were delighted to have some help but we could have covered the whole cost ourselves. I feel that parents enjoyed paying for particular things rather than handing over cash. And we were able to thank them for their specific help in the speeches too. I think that anyone should be able to spend what they want to spend on their wedding, but they should also have the wedding they can afford, not the wedding they aspire to but cannot afford.

Part of me would love to pay for everything for my DD's wedding. She is working to an £8k budget to cover absolutely everything, including honeymoon, and they are inviting 100 guests. We have made a good contribution, but it was their decision to get married this year when they are both just graduating so paid jobs only starting in September, but part of it IS the budgeting and planning and I am proud of how well they are doing.

(I keep eyeing up the boxes of champagne we have stored upstairs. They are buying all the drinks (no bar) so we got the champagne in the Christmas/New Year reductions.)

YANBU

Your money is yours to do with as you please but you asked for opinions and I gave mine. I appreciate that you didn't like it. FWIW it's compounded by the fact you would rather spend £1500 on a dog than on your step son but hey, it's your money.

I did read the whole thread which was largely about the merits of having a cheap v an expensive wedding. It's interesting now that you are pointing out that your DH had the opportunity to choose to do for his kids what you did for your son, which adds to my original view that the issue was always that you feel your stepson is not your responsibility. I also note that you have been part of his life since he was approx 8 which was why I was a bit saddened. It's not like he was a grown up when you met your DH.

I also saw that you said your son was gay but believe me, gay weddings cost as much as straight ones, venues, flower arrangers, care hire etc don't discriminate (The equalities act means it's expensive for everyone), and the designer suit will probably cost a fair bit more than your average wedding dress. lol.

You clearly don't think much of 'D'SSs fiance as you are assuming she'd rob you blind and get rid of your dogs so she could have everything. Sadly you can't choose who your kids fall for.

Personally I don't know what I would do in your position but i would just like to say that when i got married (8yrs ago) my dad paid for everything, he didn't set a budget and to this day i don't know how much it all cost BUT I didn't pick anything that was overly expensive, i tried to find good deals on everything that i could and didn't invited every tom, dick and harry. My mother-in-law also contributed to the wedding - she didn't ask us she told us she was giving my parents some money and that was that! I am very grateful to my parents for paying for my wedding and we all had a lovely day which we will remember for many years to come and gave us some brilliant memories (a lot of which include people who are sadly no longer with us). What i am trying to say is that it doesn't matter what it costs and what one person finds acceptable another will find rediculous, however i would never have asked anyone for money but i would never have insulted anyone by turning it down. I hope that when my 2 dds get married their father and i get to make them as happy as my parents made me. Please dont let the finance of this supposdly happy event spoil the memories

You need to talk seriously to your DH about what has actually been said, get him to be honest if he's given any hint that you'd offer money. At this point, if you have been generous in the past and will happily waste spend that sort of money on a dog then they know it's not a lot of money to you. It could be they've been lead to believe either by hints from your DH or from you in the past that they could expect a 'large sum' so are 'only' asking for £1.5k as that seems as less than you might volunteer if left to decide it yourself.

I also don't think they need to be good at saving for the rest - weddings rarely need a large lump sum saved for, if you've got the money for the meal & drinks put to one side, all the other stuff (dresses, suit hires, cars, flowers, invites, venue hire, photographer, DJ/band, rings etc) will need to be paid over the course of the planning period, for us, it wasn't one big pay out of £20k, it was over a year of "couple of hundred here, couple of hundred there" most things need deposits and payment in installments prior to the event, it forces you to 'save' in dribs and drabs. But also, this is not your problem just because you've given some money.

However, as a compromise, if you wanted to give something and now don't want to now give a general lump sum you've been asked for, could you offer to pick one thing and pay for that in total? Flowers? Photographer? Champagne for the toasts? (Any one of these could easily be £1.5k)

YANBU not to contribute to something you disagree with. (I also think big weddings are a waste of cash).

It's easier with one's own kids. We raised 'em and brainwashed taught them our principles. Even where they grow up to disagree, they tend to know us well enough to know what to ask ir not ask for.

I like the idea of saying you'll contribute to a future mortgage because it's more sensible it doesn't trigger the step-vs-biological resentments & insecurities.

smoggii

i understand what your saying but when i give money or a present i like that feeling that comes from giving that present or gift

i like it to be a surprise and i want to come from the heart and not given begrudgingly which at the moment it feels more like its going to be coming from my ass rather than my heart

i feel that way because they assume that it will be given ( and i assure you that i have never not once made any offer paying for a weddings for any of the kids mine included and I'm fairly certain that dh hasn't either)

it wasn't from my part even cheap v expensive its what they can afford and to me 5-6k for a sit down meal is ridiculous amount of money to spend

i have been looking at weddings locally and there are ones that are 2 -3k for the same amount of stuff however they are weekdays and not weekends and not in a posh hotel but equally as nice

and yes i do feel that my stepsons and his fiancé aren't my responsibility not to the extent of giving them money for a expensive wedding i havnt ever contributed to step kids financially yes i have paid for holidays when we have all gone away together, given them birthday and xmas presents of course that goes without saying but they do have a mum and a dad who both work
my son has me (his dad is not around )

and i do feel that up until this point of there lives i have always been very fair and generous with both dss I'm not a tight dick but where dose it stop will it be deposit for a house, a car, and dh has another son you can't give one without the other

its not like they lived with me and i brought them up then from 6 years old iif i had then i would most defiantly feel different about it

with regards to the dogs it was said a a bit of joke as dss fiancé hates all dogs not just mine So yeah i could totally imagine her moaning that why if we can spend xxx on a mutt why i can't give them xxx i get a huge amount of pleasure from my dogs they don't ask me for money to get married just bones and walks each day

I'm not a dog person, but if the OP wants to spend money she's earned on a dog then that's her business. A dog will presumably give pleasure for many years, a wedding is over very quickly. OP could spend her money on handbags or holidays or give it away to charity, it's hers to dispose of.

I think it would be a bit mean of her to spend a lot of money on non-essentials, if close members of her family were struggling but that's clearly not the case. She's already paid a deposit so that they have a home. DSS and DSSF need to work out their budget and then plan accordingly. No one needs to get married, no one needs to get married immediately, no one needs an expensive wedding.

OldBagWantsNewBag im outing myself terribly now, but i have the same as you but i have 5 ddbs and a bm so as a ddb owner yourself i think you can see what i mean when i say i would rather spend the money on another dog

yours is gorgeous by the way

You have six dogs? Do you live on a farm?

goingxmascrackerz i don't know if you read the whole thread or not

its not that i don't want to help it just that i think its a bloody cheek, i have a savings that i have saved up separately from my husband

i have been putting away money for my son i have been saving for 10 years into 3 savings polices and the 3 of them have just paid out a few months back on ds 18th birthday so i have saved up money for my son

dh didn't want to save separately for his boys although he could have done and i suggested to him to do so at the time but he didn't want to
and we kept our money separate because he has two boys, i have one son and although it might seem strange to those of you that pool there money it has always worked well for us keeping our money separate we put into the pot for household stuff but anything to do with the kids is paid for by there parent so i pay for my sons stuff dh paid for his boys stuff and its always worked out well and this is what we agreed to when we got together

I've always been got on fine with his kids and have always considered them as family and been generous to them ( they didn't live with us ) and sometime i could go week /months without seeing them personally but i have always got on fine with them when we did get together we havnt had any of the usual step parenting problems that often happens with family fighting and arguing and divorce because from the beginning i didn't consider myself to be their stepparent as such and i never interfered with anything i was just there dads wife i was happy to be in their life and just to be adult friend to them and a responsible adult but not their step mum as such sounds weird when i write it but it not its just the way worked for us

and no i didn't take them on financially in that i would support them when they are adults, which they are, its their parents responsibility to do that not me if they lived with us growing up then it would be different thing but they don't

i know that this isn't the usual way that people do it when they get married ect but we have been married 14 years so we must have got something right somewhere we havent ever had arguments over the kids apart from the usual kids /teenage spats that is normal

anyway i have decided that I'm not going to contribute to the wedding i will give them a nice present and it will probably be a cheque for a couple of hundred pound or so but call me cynical until i hear the vicar so they are man and wife my dosh is staying put

OP - as long ad you never expect your dss or his children to treat you like family, you should be dandy.
YABU and tight.

I think you never had any intention of contributing anything because your dss is not yours - I bet you prefer dogs to people.

You don't want to contribute -- fine. If your DH does, butt out.

I hope your dh and his ex, dss bio mum, can discuss an equal contribution to dssF side, that bit really stuck with me. Divide and conquer eh?

if dh wants to give them 3k thats his choice i totally respect that i don't have a problem with it at all its his money if he wants to give them all of his savings that down to him we have never argued about money because we keep it separate
i don't want to give half if and when I'm asked that all i don't think that being totally unreasonable - i have no problems in giving dss a decent wedding present once they are married and as i said above i totally intend to but i don't want to pay towards something that i consider to be waste for one day i know that my opinion but thats how i feel

i gave them money towards a deposit for their flat, I'm not a total cow i just prefer to give my money toward things that i don't think is going to be wasted

with regards to deposit on flat/house to buy they both earn a good wage for their age, they have no debts, just rent which is minimal they both earn a decent wage between them around 400 each take home each week, they need to save some money before spending everyone else's money there rent is cheap i know this because i went flat hunting with dss and fiancé so i do actually take a interest in what he dose

for them to get into a flat where we live you would be talking 20k at least by way of deposit we have 3 kid between us so in theory what we do for one we would do for the others to be fair so if we gave jointly gave dss money the same goes for the other 2 so if i contribute to dss wedding /flat deposit
is it ok turn around and ask ex husband wife if she want to contribute to my ds wedding or house deposit as well as i have contributed to her sons wedding /house deposit is that ok to do
even the ex wife who i get on pretty well with and never had any issues with has said that they need to save their money for at least a year before they get anything from her and she has said that unless they save and are serious about it her purse strings are staying closed i don't think that unreasonable and it pretty much how i feel about it they want a big expensive wedding but don't want to pay for it i think that f..... cheeky and lazy and entitled

there are lots of things that i want, and i save for it

YaYaBinks i don't expect anything from anyone that way anything i do get is a bonus, i get on fine with my step kids unlike most that post on here the steparenting board moaning about skids, i have never had a cross word with them in 14 years, never moaned to dh about them . I have been on holiday with several times when they were little and i always encourage dh to have time with them on their own without me around when they were growing up so that there was never any feeling of being pushed out ect my relationship with them is fine, they know what I'm like with regards to money and saving so they wouldn't be surprised to know what I'm thinking
as to preferring dogs to people, well sometimes i probably do

OldBagWantsNewBag we have 2 girls and 4 boys puppies are easier to integrate than older dogs i think older ones can be harder to integrate into the pack although we have done it 3 times its not without it problems with our 3 boys who are semi rescues

i would love another one though i have my eye on a breeder who is planning a new litter later on this year

There's no rule you can't have a big wedding if you're gay

(Or if there is then someone should tell Elton John)

OP I get exactly where you're coming from.

Especially over the ridiculous sums people spend on weddings and the expectation from the young couple that this is just going to fall into their lap.
Time for a wake-up call and let's hope your Dss mother makes her feelings clear asap.

DitaVonCheese lol somehow i don't think my sons wedding would be on Eltons scale to much pink and way to many flowers

Thymeout thank you this thread is certainly divided between those who say i should contribute if asked or i should say no
i get on well with dss mum and so dose dh, i wasnt surprised in the bit when dh told me yesterday that she said save and then you may get something which i don't think is unreasonable to say or expect

what dose make me a bit mad is that it seems fine for dss mum to refuse to contribute at the moment and she more or less has said what i feel, but not for me because I'm the step mum its seen as I'm being spiteful and petty towards dss and this was never the case
just that i don't see why i should have to give over money for something that i think is a waste especially as they havnt saved anything towards it themselves

if they wanted to get married next week i would happily give them the money to go to the registry office tomorrow to pay for it but its all about the big day

goingxmascrackerz

dss and fiancé asked for 3k from his mum and step dad 3k from his dad and i am assuming me and the fiancé mum was going to put 3k

i thought it was bloody cheeky that because dss parents are divorced they are effectively paying twice if they were together it would be 3k like the fiancé parents but as they are divorced they have to pay double the amount

its not about the money as such as yes i can afford it it the cheek and the assumptions and the way that they have approached it

however now its seem that dss mum has kicked them in to reality and told them to save up before they come asking for handouts
so i guess its fine for dss mum to refuse on the basis that they are being unreasonable to ask for money but can be assed to save but as I'm a step mum i supposed to pay up to keep the peace regardless of the fact that i don't really think its right

it one of the reasons why i have always kept myself slightly detached from everything to do with the stepkids and let there parents deal with everything and its probably why i do have a decent relationship with them