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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to do this for my colleague?

191 replies

weasar · 02/07/2012 11:58

Basically, a colleague of mine has arranged for her son to do work experience in our office, for an indefinite period of time.
He is in his 20s, doesn't drive this is his first 'job'
He has recently moved out and therefore wont be getting a lift in to the office with his mum, so needs to get a bus to the town where our office is. The bus doesn't stop anywhere near the office -the nearest stop would be a 40 min walk to the office.
They have discovered that the bus also stops in my village (the next village beyond the town the office is in if that makes sense!)

So she has asked me if I will give him a lift into the office everyday, and presumably drop him off there after work.

The trouble is, I really don't want to have to do this - I have to admit I'm not really keen on this guy, but mostly, it annoys me that she seems to think its my responsibility just because I live so near!

I might sound really harsh, considering it's not out of my way at all, but I just really don't like the idea of being forced into doing this when I don't want to, because there is no reason why I can't do it!
(the bus stop he will get off at is literally about 15 steps from my front door so it really is no bother for him to hop in the car with me, for a car journey less than 10 mins to work.)

My other concern is that his bus will get in at 8.45 and that is the time I usually leave for work, so if his bus is late, that means I will be late. I can't very well leave without him if the bus doesn't arrive in time, or he will be stranded there and would take him at least 2 hours to walk to the office from there!

My thoughts are that if he has chosen to move out, and taken on this job - then he (or her, as his mother) is responsible for getting himself to work, and this shouldn't fall to me just because I happen to leave near a bus stop he can get off at.

In a way, I know I am BU as there is no reason why I can't physically do this, I just don't want to. I literally have no excuses I can use!

Should I just give in and do it when I don't want to? Or does anyone have any ideas on how I can refuse to do it politely when I have no reason not to?

I don't mind doing it on the odd occasion-I would do that for any colleagues/acquaintances but I just don't want to have to do this permanently.

Sorry for the massive post!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 02/07/2012 12:02

You sound lovely

I hope you never have to rely on anyone else's kindness in the future.

Itsjustafleshwound · 02/07/2012 12:03

Just say no .... you don't want to take on the responsibility of getting him to work on a daily basis.

Katienana · 02/07/2012 12:03

You should do it, but ask for petrol money. And also say that you won't be waiting if bus is late he should cal a taxi in those circumstances. One day it might be you or one of your dc who needs a favour like this and you will be glad you helped out!

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 02/07/2012 12:04

Charge him. Tell her you'll be happy to do it, it will X pounds a week, payable on mondays and smile sweetly. And make it clear that if he isn't at your car door by you will go without him. Get it all out in the open, clearly, and with any luck he'll think of something else.
Or just say "That won't work for me" and repeat as necessary.

BlackOutTheSun · 02/07/2012 12:04

Just say no

What happens if your sick or on holiday?

carabos · 02/07/2012 12:05

I think that "I don't want to do this" is an OK response TBH. You don't have to justify yourself. If it was now and then, that would be different, but everyday, and with no Plan B? No.

lovebunny · 02/07/2012 12:10

just say no. say 'i like to be on my own in the car, i like to think'. and leave it at that. be resolute.

no-one should be able to pressure you into taking responsibility for their adult child's transport to and from work. its laughable.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 02/07/2012 12:10

YANBU. Your life. Your car. Your routine.

I hate awkward chats while giving people I dont know that well a lift. And first thing in the am? No way.

I dont really know how you can say no. But ask yourself, would this woman do that for you and ylur family? She wont even take responsibility for her own son so I doubt it.

fruitysummer · 02/07/2012 12:10

Say no to all the time.

Offer a compromise?

You'll give lifts on a Monday and Friday where possible but during the week he'll have to make his own arrangements due to you having your own life.

A lot of people do things both on the way to work and on the way home. You can't do that if you are giving lifts.

schoolgovernor · 02/07/2012 12:11

He's in his 20's not a child, so in that case I'd say he should have thought about travel arrangements before taking on the work. That is HE should have thought about it, he's old enough to not have his mum looking after this for him. I would not give a lift to someone I didn't like, that's the bottom line really. I'd make any excuse necessary about things I do after work before going home but I'd probably just say that I'd rather not get into an arrangement that would restrict my flexibility. Harsh, but we don't owe other people's families anything, and helping people should be a matter of personal choice.

littlemslazybones · 02/07/2012 12:13

Well, maybe he did think about the travel arrangements and is happy to walk the 40 minutes?

For all we know, the Mum may have driven this entirely.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 02/07/2012 12:13

I think if it were me I would do it, but with a set of conditions

So you won't wait for him if he's late and you won't be responsible for taking him of you are ill/off work etc then if there's any moaning from him or his mum you can just stop the arrangement

Or maybe say you'll do it for a trial period to see how it goes?

ToryLovell · 02/07/2012 12:13

YANBU - it is his problem, not yours.

What if he's late / you are poorly / you need to leave late / go somewhere before or after work?

I'd do it for a very good friend, but for a casual acquaitance, then no.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/07/2012 12:15

YANBU - I wouldnt want to do it either.

However, how you tell your colleague is another matter unless you can just be jack blunt about it.

Paiviaso · 02/07/2012 12:20

I do understand where you are coming from, but I would probably do it. It is not out of your way, and its a nice thing to do.

I would ask for petrol money. And if the bus causes you to be late to work more than ~3 times, I would either ask him to take an earlier bus or terminate the share. It is unfair to make you late to work. I would also tell him that sometimes you will be on holiday or leaving early, and he will be responsible for his own transport on those days.

letseatgrandma · 02/07/2012 12:23

Haven't you just joined a local gym which you go to en route to work so leave far earlier than he would? ;) Or what about that elderly relative that you have to pop in to see to every day after work?

I wouldn't like to be rail roaded into this either. What was your actual reponse to her when she asked you?

Original poster
weasar · 02/07/2012 12:24

Hmm its difficult - I do like my time in the car to myself so I can be alone with my thoughts and sing badly along to the radio
Worra I can understand you saying that - but that's the thing - I would never dream of just outright asking an acquaintance for a long term favour like that. If this situation was the other way around, I would rather pay for a taxi everyday or walk than have the boldness to ask someone to be responsible for me like that. It would be a huge deal for me to ask a good friend a one time favour - even then I'd be like 'I'm really sorry to ask, are you sure you don't mind? etc.'
I can't even really ask for petrol money as it is no further than I would usually go.
I just think that if I agree to it (even on a trial basis)I will be stuck doing it indefinitely as there is no reason for me to suddenly decide it's not working out and let him sort himself out!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 12:27

if your office is in a town, surely he can get a second bus which will take him nearer to the office

letseatgrandma · 02/07/2012 12:27

Why is it only a 10 minute drive, but a 2 hour walk?

JamNan · 02/07/2012 12:31

YANBU
Why can't he get a bike?

HeathRobinson · 02/07/2012 12:32

I think this is up to him to sort out or maybe his mum to pick him up.

billsmill · 02/07/2012 12:33

You may find he doesn't want this. I had a lovely 15 year old work experience girl last year. Her mum was very worried about her and wanted me to drive her everywhere (we work across six sites). Day 2, she turned round and said she was fine getting the bus, in fact she'd prefer it. Made me laugh and respect her more.

HeathRobinson · 02/07/2012 12:35

In fact, why can't he cycle or get a bus to his mum's in the morning, so she can bring him with her? Or he could get a moped?

Original poster
weasar · 02/07/2012 12:35

letseatgrandma Ooh good idea - genuinely, (not just saying this but your post has just reminded me!) I have been thinking that I might get up early and go swimming/gym before work some days. I'm trying to exercise alot more and just going a few times in the evening isn't doing enough!

We have just moved and are still moving things over from our other house so I do pop in to the other house maybe once a week on the way to work (usually to put washing on as our washing machine is still there!)
I also quite often go food shopping or to see my sisters straight from work, (usually a last minute decision), so I don't want to have to let them know daily in advance what my plans are so they/he can make alternative arrangements.

OP posts:
Teeb · 02/07/2012 12:38

Yanbu. I think just the idea of being tied to have to go home when some young lad wants to go home would annoy me. What if you wanted to go to the gym, pop into town, do your food shopping, visit someone straight from work?