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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to do this for my colleague?

191 replies

weasar · 02/07/2012 11:58

Basically, a colleague of mine has arranged for her son to do work experience in our office, for an indefinite period of time.
He is in his 20s, doesn't drive this is his first 'job'
He has recently moved out and therefore wont be getting a lift in to the office with his mum, so needs to get a bus to the town where our office is. The bus doesn't stop anywhere near the office -the nearest stop would be a 40 min walk to the office.
They have discovered that the bus also stops in my village (the next village beyond the town the office is in if that makes sense!)

So she has asked me if I will give him a lift into the office everyday, and presumably drop him off there after work.

The trouble is, I really don't want to have to do this - I have to admit I'm not really keen on this guy, but mostly, it annoys me that she seems to think its my responsibility just because I live so near!

I might sound really harsh, considering it's not out of my way at all, but I just really don't like the idea of being forced into doing this when I don't want to, because there is no reason why I can't do it!
(the bus stop he will get off at is literally about 15 steps from my front door so it really is no bother for him to hop in the car with me, for a car journey less than 10 mins to work.)

My other concern is that his bus will get in at 8.45 and that is the time I usually leave for work, so if his bus is late, that means I will be late. I can't very well leave without him if the bus doesn't arrive in time, or he will be stranded there and would take him at least 2 hours to walk to the office from there!

My thoughts are that if he has chosen to move out, and taken on this job - then he (or her, as his mother) is responsible for getting himself to work, and this shouldn't fall to me just because I happen to leave near a bus stop he can get off at.

In a way, I know I am BU as there is no reason why I can't physically do this, I just don't want to. I literally have no excuses I can use!

Should I just give in and do it when I don't want to? Or does anyone have any ideas on how I can refuse to do it politely when I have no reason not to?

I don't mind doing it on the odd occasion-I would do that for any colleagues/acquaintances but I just don't want to have to do this permanently.

Sorry for the massive post!

OP posts:
fruitysummer · 02/07/2012 12:39

There you go weasar, tell her what you've just put in your last post.

You are not making excuses, you do not go straight to work and back and home ever day.

My parents, when I lived at home, used to give us a lift on our first day at a new job, partly to wish us luck and mainly to ensure we arrived on time the first day and didn't have to worry about public transport. It was great and really nice.

My mum did the same for my SIL once - she ended up doing the favour for months!!!! And she loves my SIL, she's family!!

gatheringlilac · 02/07/2012 12:41

You are totally within the limits of being reasonable to say "no".

It's a huge favour to ask.

The thin about favours is that they are only favours if the person is really, actually allowed to say no. Otherwise they are just huge impositions.

Does your neighbour know what a big favour she's asked? Indefinite period ... sharing intimate space ... twice a day?

It's all fine if you are comfortable with it (I would be OK up to a point, with some people, not others) but not OK if you're not. Indeed, with some people, I'd be really looking forward to their company. But ... goodness, that's a big ask. And not at all diminished by the "you're going that way anyway" line.

In my opinion, it is OK to say no.

DontmindifIdo · 02/07/2012 12:41

Say no, if he is a grown up it's his responsibility to arrange suitable transport to/from work - 'a lift with a colleague' is ok for odd days, it's the sort of plan you put in place for a maximum week, but it's not a long term plan, as others have said, you don't want to have to call up work and then him if you're sick, book your holiday with him too - never be able to leave early or work late, or never be able to run errands on your way home.

Original poster
weasar · 02/07/2012 12:41

Squeaky The office is on a business park in a fairly rural location outside the town, The nearest bus stop drops off in the town which would be a 30-40 min walk to the office.
letseatsgrandma Its 10 mins in the car as I go down a bypass/dual carriage way one way, the walking route would be right through my village,down a big hill and across the entire next town and down a main road. I might be over estimating the walking time but I don't think I could walk it in less than 2 hours!
Billsmill I wish that was the case but he's being as enthusiastic about it as she is! I think initially he wouldn't have said anything, he didn't even know where I lived, but she has suddenly decided that I could bring him in and they are both now seeing that as the solution.
HeathThe place he has moved to is the opposite direction to where his mum lives, so he would be cycling one way to his mums for them to go back on themselves to get to work - that was her reason why he couldn't get to her house for her to bring him in.
God, this is so awkward!

OP posts:
insancerre · 02/07/2012 12:43

how does his mum get to work?
can't she go and pick him up?
or can't he go to his mum's?

PatriciaHolm · 02/07/2012 12:43

Tell him he needs to take a folding bike on the bus. Then he can cycle from the nearest bus stop.

I would give him a lift occasionally tbh, but don't make it a set in stone everyday arrangement.

ajandjjmum · 02/07/2012 12:43

I would say I'll do it for the first two weeks, but it is going to put me to some inconvenience, so he'll have to sort out his longterm plan after that.

Iheartpasties · 02/07/2012 12:44

If you do it you must ask for petrol money! Lots of people lift share now and split costs as petrol is so much. I would not want to be forced into doing a lift everyday especially if it would mean me changing my normal leaving time.

Fireandashes · 02/07/2012 12:48

Can you set it up so it's a casual, you'll-do-it-when-you-can arrangement rather than being tied in to something regular? I.e. turn it around so instead of you giving him a lift and him having to make alternative arrangements when you're not available, he makes his arrangements anyway and on the odd days you're not otherwise occupied, you offer him a lift on an ad-hoc basis? So it does become more of a genuine 'favour' and less of an expectation/obligation.

I also agree with OP that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for petrol money when that's the normal journey anyway. Plus if (heaven forbid) you had an accident with him in the car that involved an insurance claim and it came out somehow that he'd been giving you money, it could potentially invalidate your insurance ('payment for hire' and all that gubbins).

cocolepew · 02/07/2012 12:49

Why exactly dont you want to do it? Its not putting you out or costing you anything.

DontmindifIdo · 02/07/2012 12:51

Actually, don't ask for petrol money, because then you are providing a service you are being paid for, not a favour you should be able to cancel if it doesn't work for you. If you take payment you are then accepting responsibility for him.

Odd favour, not every day.

Simple answer - "I've been thinking about it and it doesn't work for me to be committed to taking your son to and from work every day, I'll often leave early so I can do jobs on the way to work or give DP a lift, and on the way home as well it's not always straight home at the same set time. I don't want to be tied to a set schedule and my family need me to be flexible. I hope you find another solution."

emsyj · 02/07/2012 12:52

I would usually be on the side of 'do him the favour', but when I was at law school I gave a lift every day to a fellow student who lived 10 minutes away from me - it meant that I had to leave 30 minutes earlier than I otherwise would have (to go back on myself, then negotiate the traffic in the other direction) and it was a PITA. I would happily do it occasionally/for the first week etc, but permanently? No thanks.

emsyj · 02/07/2012 12:53

NB If you do decide to do it (temporarily, occasionally or otherwise) then request that he gets the earlier bus so that you can leave on the dot of 8.45am. Don't spend your mornings sweating and peering through the curtains waiting for him to arrive - make sure he is early.

LateDeveloper · 02/07/2012 12:55

YANBU

A 30 or 40 minute walk doesn't sound like a major hardship for a healthy 20 yo. I'm twice that age but walk 20 mins to the station and then another 25 mins to walk from the other end whenI'mnotbeinglazyandtakingbus

or he could get a fold up cycle to take on bus

there are 2 really practical and easy alternatives to him imposing on you so no need to feel guilty.

Why not say It just isn't going to work for me because I do x,y and z in the morning and after work.

If you are feeling really generous then every now and again (but keep it infrequent) you can give him a lift to the bus stop after work if it is really tipping down.

Also if it is only a 10 min drive from town bus stop to work I really don't see why his mum can't go out of her way to pick him up/drop him off.

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 02/07/2012 12:56

Just say that you don't just go straight to and from work every day so you can't agree unfortunately as you wouldn't want to let him down, have they thought about a bike, and offer a solution back, even though it is not your problem to sort.

squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 12:56

well he could always ask his mother to pick him up at the bus stop.. at 20 years old, a 40 minute walk is not a hardship, and she can pick him up on her way

Imperfectionist · 02/07/2012 12:57

In the nicest possible way, I'd say 'on yer bike lad'!

Honestly, he's young, fit, either has a bike or can buy one very cheaply second hand, and it will be free thereafter. In my 20s I cycled to several jobs because I wanted to work and public transport options were rubbish. And friend so as well. And he can easily do a 40 minute walk. A car is a luxury and I couldn't afford one until my 30s. As a young intern he can put up with a bike.

As someone else said, it's not a favour, it's an imposition if you can't say no. It's a long-term imposition. You sound very nice and caring, and don't feel guilty for saying no. Just remember, no is a complete sentence (but list the reasons you have given in this thread to make sure your 'no' isn't questioned).

Fireandashes · 02/07/2012 12:58

Actually coco, it IS putting the OP out. It's an extra responsibility that she hasn't sought, would limit her freedom to deviate from a routine, invades her personal space (I love the fact that I get some time to myself in the car to and from work and would resent that permanently disappearing if I hadn't chosen to forego it voluntarily) and exerts a pressure to interact with someone - making small talk/chit chat - that she wouldn't necessarily choose to have any social contact with.

It's perfectly valid to say "no".

brokendowndaphne · 02/07/2012 13:00

i'd do it, wouldnt impact on me adversely and its nice to do things for others

but i would say if you are late i cant wait longer than x minutes and obviously you will need to make your own way on the days i am off

MindTheElephant · 02/07/2012 13:03

YANBU, I woudn't want to do it either.I hate others relying on me like this as it resricts what you can and cant do.

He is 20 he should be taking responsibility for himself.

Feck my DS who is 16 cycled ten miles each way to his casual job yesterday as i had DGD and couldn't abandon her breakfast to take him.

Yorkpud · 02/07/2012 13:05

Why can't his mum pick him up on her way in and back so that he doesn't have to get the bus at all. Or why can't she pick him up from the bus stop instead of you (as it is only 10 mins drive from the office)? Maybe offer a day that you will do it on but say on other days you do stuff like gym, shopping etc.

bobbledunk · 02/07/2012 13:07

yanbu, he can always walk or cycle the rest of the way, a bit of exercise won't kill him. If his mother is so insistent on him being chauffeured there and back she can do it herself.

Just tell them that it doesn't suit you as you rarely go directly to work or directly home from work so it would be putting you out of your routine.

5Foot5 · 02/07/2012 13:08

"My other concern is that his bus will get in at 8.45 and that is the time I usually leave for work, so if his bus is late, that means I will be late."

This would be the key problem for me and I would have to say I don't/can't do it for this reason.

40 minute walk - so what? I do 30 minutes each way and I usually find it a pleasant way to start and end the working day

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 02/07/2012 13:08

No, that won't work for me as I have other commitments and need to be flexible in my routine.

Done.

Good luck OP you can stand up for yourself!!

cocolepew · 02/07/2012 13:10

Oh for crying out loud! Tell him I leave at this time I can't wait if you're not there and done days I don't go straight home but I'll let you know before home time so you can arrange something else.

How mean spirited with the he's 20 he could sort it out himself when you are going in the same direction.

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