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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to do this for my colleague?

191 replies

weasar · 02/07/2012 11:58

Basically, a colleague of mine has arranged for her son to do work experience in our office, for an indefinite period of time.
He is in his 20s, doesn't drive this is his first 'job'
He has recently moved out and therefore wont be getting a lift in to the office with his mum, so needs to get a bus to the town where our office is. The bus doesn't stop anywhere near the office -the nearest stop would be a 40 min walk to the office.
They have discovered that the bus also stops in my village (the next village beyond the town the office is in if that makes sense!)

So she has asked me if I will give him a lift into the office everyday, and presumably drop him off there after work.

The trouble is, I really don't want to have to do this - I have to admit I'm not really keen on this guy, but mostly, it annoys me that she seems to think its my responsibility just because I live so near!

I might sound really harsh, considering it's not out of my way at all, but I just really don't like the idea of being forced into doing this when I don't want to, because there is no reason why I can't do it!
(the bus stop he will get off at is literally about 15 steps from my front door so it really is no bother for him to hop in the car with me, for a car journey less than 10 mins to work.)

My other concern is that his bus will get in at 8.45 and that is the time I usually leave for work, so if his bus is late, that means I will be late. I can't very well leave without him if the bus doesn't arrive in time, or he will be stranded there and would take him at least 2 hours to walk to the office from there!

My thoughts are that if he has chosen to move out, and taken on this job - then he (or her, as his mother) is responsible for getting himself to work, and this shouldn't fall to me just because I happen to leave near a bus stop he can get off at.

In a way, I know I am BU as there is no reason why I can't physically do this, I just don't want to. I literally have no excuses I can use!

Should I just give in and do it when I don't want to? Or does anyone have any ideas on how I can refuse to do it politely when I have no reason not to?

I don't mind doing it on the odd occasion-I would do that for any colleagues/acquaintances but I just don't want to have to do this permanently.

Sorry for the massive post!

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 02/07/2012 13:12

oh god, if he gets an earlier bus, how long will he be hanging round your house before you leave? Will you have a random 20 year old bloke witnessing the pre work mad dash to do hair, put on makeup, and try to get everything sorted before you leave? Honestly, your one step away from giving him breakfast.

I would find this hard - but then I'm someone who's walked the other way on the train platform when I've seen the DH of a friend because I need my 25 minutes to listen to music, read a book or just daydream. I don't want to be polite at that time of day.

ENormaSnob · 02/07/2012 13:13

I wouldn't do it.

I'm always doing stuff on the way to and from work. Plus I would hate to be waiting on someone every morning.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 02/07/2012 13:25

YANBU

He needs to take responsibility for his own transport needs, not get mummy to organise it for him.

You have your own life to live, like others have pointed out what would happen if you wanted to go to the supermarket or the gym after work?

StealthPolarBear · 02/07/2012 13:51

i think aj's is the best solution
Plus ask for petrol money - yes you're going that way anyway but so is he!!! Bus drivers still charge even though they're "going that way" :o

MadamGazelleIsMyMum · 02/07/2012 13:54

YANBU.

I've ended up in this situation - started giving someone a lift as a favour because I couldnt find a way to say no and it ended up causing massive problems - they took the piss, never contributed to petrol and generally expected me to be at their beck and call. I should have just said that what they were proposing didnt work for me but I would be happy to help out for a week or in emergencies or whatever.

StealthPolarBear · 02/07/2012 13:56

OK, just read dontmindifido's message about not charging petrol money as it then becomes a serice you're offering and I completely agree

SoleSource · 02/07/2012 13:57

toomuchmonthattheendofthemoney

Has it spot on.

Just say it!

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 02/07/2012 14:02

There was a thread before about someone's boss insisting she give lifts to a colleague, making out it was part of her job but she was losing out on time and petrol money. I think everyone was in agreement that she shouldn't have to do it if she didn't want to.

You don't like him and you have other things to do before and after work. You didn't offer, you were asked outright and you have the right to say no.

Tell them that you have things to do both before and after work and can't guarantee what days if any you would be able to have him in the car in any given week because of your other commitments so you think it would be best if he were able to make more reliable arrangements.

TouTou · 02/07/2012 14:03

At first I thought 'what a bitch, not wanting to do something nice for a chap who is trying to get on the career ladder.' Then I read more posts and I agree with you, this would be a full on PITA.
I often drop off to get shopping, go for a wander in town or just need to be with my thoughts in the car, sooo actually, YANBU.
How about a comprimise, say get him there in the morning (I agree, if he's not at your house by 8.45, you are gone) but the afternoons aren't convenient. And definitely petrol money.

Original poster
weasar · 02/07/2012 14:09

stealth Grin at bus drivers charging even though they're going that way!
DontmindifIdo exactly! The earlier bus gets to my village at 8.25am and I fear I would be seen as unreasonable if I made him wait outside in that time, and would therefore be expected to invite him in! I would feel a bit uncomfortable doing that with any colleagues!
My trouble is, I like to keep home and work separate (well in this job anyway) I don't like the thought of work people coming to my house, seeing all my personal stuff etc. plus I have a messy house which I'm embarrased about!
I do probably have slight 'people' issues - I feel very awkward in social situations and I feel very uncomfortable around people I don't know very well, and I feel this would be invading my personal space and private time.
I don't know this guy very well, but I'm not massively keen on him so far. I've only had a few conversations with him, and one of those was him telling me he was 'so tempted to frape me' as I had left my Facebook page open when I went to make a cup of tea.
I don't think the 30-40 min walk is that ridiculous myself.
She seems to think it would be awful. He is probably not at the peak of physical fitness despite his young age he is a very big lad

The reason his mum can't pick him up etc etc is as follows:
Try to imagine the locations as follows, running west to east:

His house--her house-my village-town--office.

So his house is further away from the office than hers, meaning she would have to go west to come back east on herself to bring him to work.
Essentially, she can't because it's out of her way, but because it's on my way she thinks there shouldn't be a problem.

YY to not asking for petrol money. Good point. It would be hard for me to then back out of it if I had been happy to accept the money. I wouldn't have accepted it anyway because it wont cost me anything.

...'sigh' I fear this could make things awkward in the (very small) office!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 02/07/2012 14:11

Ok for the drape comment alone yanbu to tell him to get stuffed. Just say you exer iae and visit parents. Offer now and again. You're the good guy here. I cannot think of anything worse than having some guy in my house for 20m in the morning while I eat toast and screech at kids
(exaggeration for effect)

insancerre · 02/07/2012 14:13

just say no
it's not your problem

DontmindifIdo · 02/07/2012 14:13

well then, he needs to find a way to get to his mums, either walk (heaven forbid!) taxi, bike, bus or....move back in for the weeks he's working at your office.

However, this isn't your problem, it's his. Say no. toomuchmonthattheendofthemoney's line is best, far more concise than mine, you can always elaborate as to the sort of stuff you do before and after work (lie if need be!) if she pushes.

DontmindifIdo · 02/07/2012 14:16

also if he's rather 'out of shape' a 30-40 minute walk (which, FYI I do pushing a buggy up hill the whole way on my non working days each week) would be good exercise for him. His mum could always give him a lift back as far as her house.

HeathRobinson · 02/07/2012 14:21

Then, like I said before, he simply needs to get himself to his mum's.
Or she needs to pick him up.

I wonder why she prefers offloading her son onto you? Confused

letseatgrandma · 02/07/2012 14:22

Why can't he get the bus to his mum's?

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 02/07/2012 14:25

I remember the thread about the person whose boss expected her to bring a colleague to work! I was fuming on her behalf

mirry2 · 02/07/2012 14:26

yanbu especially if hs work experience is for an indefinite period.

rainydaysarebad · 02/07/2012 14:27

So why can't he get a bus to his mum's place and then she can bring him in?

Rainydayagain · 02/07/2012 14:28

I would say no, i did it once, massive problem when i wanted to do something else after work, or be sick etc.

Just say that you are really sorry but you always run around after and before work, shopping, mums, gym, friends house, etc and that you don't feel that you can do this.

Alternatively could you say that yourvhusband has issue with it?

She's taking the pee asking really, its a huge commitment and i also really like 'me' time. Let him bus to her house! She is just forgetting that mums do this sort of thing for their own children and its a bit much to ask you.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/07/2012 14:29

YANBU

I would agree to doing this for 2 weeks until he gets a better system sorted, or say that on the odd occasion it would be fine, but no way would I commit myself to doing this indefinately. As other posters have said, what about the times you don't fancy going straight home? Tough, you have an arrangement. It is very limiting.

I would not accept a job, even for experience, that I could not get to. It sounds like he is being lazy about finding a job, just deciding that he will work there because mum does and then getting someone in the office to sort out travel. Getting to work is part of being able to do a job.

But I am coming at this from the point of view of someone who hates putting others out. I would never say to anyone, 'Can you please give me a lift to and from work at X time every day for the forseeable future?' as I would assume they had other things going on in their lives which might not always work around my schedule.

Have you given an answer OP?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 02/07/2012 14:30

How rude of her to ask! I used to sometimes ask for lifts (and other times, give them) in old job which was out of town, if my car was in the garage or something else had gone wrong, and was always hugely appreciative and willing to accept "no" - and that was from people I was actually friends with!

It will, sadly, become a nightmare if you say yes. Ok for a week, even two if you're really kind. But indefinitely i.e. possibly FOREVER? Nah.

jen127 · 02/07/2012 14:30

Why would you set up work for your "adult" son in a place that is difficult to get too ?
I would be reluctant to get in to this set up as the time is undefined. Why can't Mum go pick him up ? Why can't he move back home ?
Why can't he cycle to work?

Rainydayagain · 02/07/2012 14:33

I also hate putting people out!

My sil lost her almost lost her licence once and said "you will have to give me lifts to work and back"

My response was no way, i'm not a taxi, i've got children to look after"

She a cheeky money who likes to put others out. You need to be strIght with these people.

UncomfortableOne · 02/07/2012 14:36

another idea - why not suggest he padlock a bike at yours so he can use it for the bus/work leg?

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