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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to do this for my colleague?

191 replies

weasar · 02/07/2012 11:58

Basically, a colleague of mine has arranged for her son to do work experience in our office, for an indefinite period of time.
He is in his 20s, doesn't drive this is his first 'job'
He has recently moved out and therefore wont be getting a lift in to the office with his mum, so needs to get a bus to the town where our office is. The bus doesn't stop anywhere near the office -the nearest stop would be a 40 min walk to the office.
They have discovered that the bus also stops in my village (the next village beyond the town the office is in if that makes sense!)

So she has asked me if I will give him a lift into the office everyday, and presumably drop him off there after work.

The trouble is, I really don't want to have to do this - I have to admit I'm not really keen on this guy, but mostly, it annoys me that she seems to think its my responsibility just because I live so near!

I might sound really harsh, considering it's not out of my way at all, but I just really don't like the idea of being forced into doing this when I don't want to, because there is no reason why I can't do it!
(the bus stop he will get off at is literally about 15 steps from my front door so it really is no bother for him to hop in the car with me, for a car journey less than 10 mins to work.)

My other concern is that his bus will get in at 8.45 and that is the time I usually leave for work, so if his bus is late, that means I will be late. I can't very well leave without him if the bus doesn't arrive in time, or he will be stranded there and would take him at least 2 hours to walk to the office from there!

My thoughts are that if he has chosen to move out, and taken on this job - then he (or her, as his mother) is responsible for getting himself to work, and this shouldn't fall to me just because I happen to leave near a bus stop he can get off at.

In a way, I know I am BU as there is no reason why I can't physically do this, I just don't want to. I literally have no excuses I can use!

Should I just give in and do it when I don't want to? Or does anyone have any ideas on how I can refuse to do it politely when I have no reason not to?

I don't mind doing it on the odd occasion-I would do that for any colleagues/acquaintances but I just don't want to have to do this permanently.

Sorry for the massive post!

OP posts:
iknowwho · 03/07/2012 00:04

YANBU - it is his problem, not yours.

Blimey, where's the love?

No hardship to you but would help someone out.

I have had the most amazing help and kindness from strangers over the years that have gone out of their way to do something to benefit me.
I always try to give back to other strangers. it makes the world go round that little bit better.

But yeah fall back on the MN old favourite phase 'No is a complete sentence'or even think of sneaky ways of not helping! Hope you fall on your arse and no one helps. Sure some nights you may be busy and go into town or wherever fair enough but if there is a chance to help someone then why not?

I gave someone I didn't like a lift to college at Warrington from Nelson for three years form 2001- 2004 to help them out once. favours come back to you in time, even if it's not from the person you originally helped.

Miserable feckers some MN posters!
Hope you fall on your arse sometime with that stinking attitude.

thepeoplesprincess · 03/07/2012 00:19

YANBU. He's in his fricking twenties for fork's sake. I (like most of us on here) was raising two kids and running a house at that age, never mind walking from a fecking bus stop.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 03/07/2012 00:31

A small favour is doing this once, as a one off. That's helping someone out or doing a small kindness.

Doing this day after day after day for an indefinite period of time is not a small favour or helping someone out, it's a big commitment of time and effort.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/07/2012 00:32

TBH I find it a bit strange that he is doing work experience for an indefinite period of time - how long has he been there so far weasar? Did your colleague railroad your boss in the same way she's trying to railroad you?

ZacharyQuack · 03/07/2012 00:36

Don't feel guilty about saying no, he has other options. At the very least, he can take the earlier bus to your village at 8:25 and then he's got 35 mins to walk himself to work for 9am. Plenty of people have much worse commutes than that.

letseatgrandma · 03/07/2012 09:14

I bring up the words of Zammo, once more, "Just say no!"

Interesting point made above-how long exactly is he doing this (unpaid?) work experience for?! Is he hoping they'll give him a job at the end of it? What exactly is he doing every day!?

Original poster
weasar · 03/07/2012 11:09

WhereYouLeftIt and letseatgrandma I know, the indefinite work experience thing is a bit odd.
His mum has worked for the company for a year or two, he has never worked since leaving school before he joined all we heard from her was what a lazy useless twat he was
the company were thinking of taking on someone else to help in the sales team to help her out anyway and I don't know how the conversation went between her and my boss but I came in one day to find a strange lad in the office and her saying 'this is my son - boss has said he can come and do some work experience for a bit and get some experience as he's not had a job before. Boss has also kindly said that if he gets any sales he will pay him some commission.'
IIRC she said the arrangement was that if he does really well with sales/impresses boss with general attitude/performance etc. that he will probably be taken on permanently.
Its a very laid back office environment. No real rules or policies set down so the indefinite time frame is completely normal here. Confused
I think he's been here for about 4 weeks now, trying to sell the companys service over the phone - exactly what his mum is doing basically!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/07/2012 11:42

Just how impressed will the boss be by a 20-something who can't make his own way in to work?

TheLightPassenger · 03/07/2012 17:37

doesn't sound very fair on the lad tbh, pita as he may be, to be doing a full time job, for weeks or months on end, in the hope of being taken on? fair enough if he needs some sort of office experience for his CV, but surely it should be a more convenient arrangement for him if he's unpaid?

iknowwho · 03/07/2012 17:41

Just how impressed will the boss be by a 20-something who can't make his own way in to work

What the fuck has the boss got to do with it and why would they care how they got to and from work as long as they did?
Here we go! Typical MN - making up assumptions as usual!

SoldeInvierno · 03/07/2012 18:15

I share car twice a week with a colleague, and this works well because it is good for both of us. We both save petrol and have a bit of company a couple of times per week, but other days, we do our own thing. However, in your situation, you would be gaining nothing and therefore I would say NO. What would then happen the day you want to go to the gym, supermarket, shopping or whatever straight from work? You would be feeling guilty all the time. I would rather say "no" once at the beginning than potentially spend months fuming internally.

ll31 · 03/07/2012 18:19

I'd say no - would have no problem doing it a few times if someone missed bus, needed a lift - but a long term arrangement like that would do my head in...

lashingsofbingeinghere · 03/07/2012 18:55

If he is an able bodied man he can easily walk 30-40 mins twice a day! FGS why is that considered difficult/too hard? My DH is in his late 50s and until we moved used to walk to work - about 2 miles each way.

People are built to walk. It keeps you fit and gives you thinking time.

I walked over four miles a day when I first moved to London, to get to and from work (no reliable bus service). I was 21 and averagely fit.

TheLightPassenger · 03/07/2012 19:00

to be fair we don't know if the walk is pleasant safe urban/suburban streets , or dismal, on roads without pavement/over dual carriageways etc.

cerealqueen · 03/07/2012 19:09

Confused at iknowwho you'll have to include yourself in that wish, as that is not a very nice attitude either!!

ToryLovell · 03/07/2012 20:31

Lightpassenger - that is true but the son chose to move out of home and live there, knowing that

  • he wasn't getting a wage
and
  • he would have to get to work

This isn't a favour for a friend, it is an imposition by someone that the OP doesn't know at all well

PeppermintCreams · 03/07/2012 20:34

I think you're right to say no. It is an imposition, and a 40 min walk isn't that bad for a young man. You could always offer a lift on an ad hoc basis if it's pouring down with rain/snow/wind.

A very polite, I'm sorry, but I often do other stuff before and after work, and need to be flexible is what you need to say. Good luck!

Ilovedaintynuts · 03/07/2012 20:44

I wouldn't do it. I hate impositions like this, I would make up a lie though. I'm far too cowardly to admit I'm an obsessive muppet who likes their own company.

IAmSherlocked · 03/07/2012 20:47

These sorts of dilemmas always make me think of Phoebe's response in Friends:

"Oh, I wish I could but I don't want to."

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease try that Grin

smoggii · 03/07/2012 20:56

I now have even less faith in human nature.

It appears that the guy is about to do work experience to try to improve his prospects. You could help him to improve his life or not.

No, its not your responsibility but it's going to cost you nothing.

You are established in your job and you can drive, things are a lot harder for people starting out.

It's not your problem but if everyone took this attitude where the fuck would we be.

Give the guy a lift and give yourself a great big pat on the back everyday.

cocolepew · 03/07/2012 22:27

You lot should read the random acts of kindness thread.

Cherriesarelovely · 03/07/2012 22:43

I think a "randomn act of kindness" is very different to being pressurised into a twice a day commitment that might make you late, make you feel put upon, resentful and inconvenienced. I am HUGELY into helping others whenever I can but I wouldn't be happy to do this, not every day, twice a day for an indefinite period. Also, the way it had been sort of assumed that you WOULD do it would piss me off. I would also feel weird about inviting someone in in that sort of busy time of the morning before you leave for work. I don't think YABU but it is probably really hard to refuse bearing in mind you see your colleague at work every day.

Cherriesarelovely · 03/07/2012 22:44

Sorry, I only just read that it is a 30 to 40 min walk there and back....come ON! He is a grown man, just walk!

ImperialBlether · 03/07/2012 22:53

Now that he's had a few weeks' experience, he should try temping. It's silly that he's working there for no money. It puts an onus on the company to hire him if they have a vacancy when they might not think he's good enough.

mirry2 · 03/07/2012 23:19

Smoggii it's one thing to do it for a few weeks but quite another to make an open ended and long term committment.