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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to do this for my colleague?

191 replies

weasar · 02/07/2012 11:58

Basically, a colleague of mine has arranged for her son to do work experience in our office, for an indefinite period of time.
He is in his 20s, doesn't drive this is his first 'job'
He has recently moved out and therefore wont be getting a lift in to the office with his mum, so needs to get a bus to the town where our office is. The bus doesn't stop anywhere near the office -the nearest stop would be a 40 min walk to the office.
They have discovered that the bus also stops in my village (the next village beyond the town the office is in if that makes sense!)

So she has asked me if I will give him a lift into the office everyday, and presumably drop him off there after work.

The trouble is, I really don't want to have to do this - I have to admit I'm not really keen on this guy, but mostly, it annoys me that she seems to think its my responsibility just because I live so near!

I might sound really harsh, considering it's not out of my way at all, but I just really don't like the idea of being forced into doing this when I don't want to, because there is no reason why I can't do it!
(the bus stop he will get off at is literally about 15 steps from my front door so it really is no bother for him to hop in the car with me, for a car journey less than 10 mins to work.)

My other concern is that his bus will get in at 8.45 and that is the time I usually leave for work, so if his bus is late, that means I will be late. I can't very well leave without him if the bus doesn't arrive in time, or he will be stranded there and would take him at least 2 hours to walk to the office from there!

My thoughts are that if he has chosen to move out, and taken on this job - then he (or her, as his mother) is responsible for getting himself to work, and this shouldn't fall to me just because I happen to leave near a bus stop he can get off at.

In a way, I know I am BU as there is no reason why I can't physically do this, I just don't want to. I literally have no excuses I can use!

Should I just give in and do it when I don't want to? Or does anyone have any ideas on how I can refuse to do it politely when I have no reason not to?

I don't mind doing it on the odd occasion-I would do that for any colleagues/acquaintances but I just don't want to have to do this permanently.

Sorry for the massive post!

OP posts:
elinorbellowed · 02/07/2012 20:14

When I moved to this area I had yet to pass my driving test. My DP was driving me and the kids to work and school every morning. When he got a job and couldn't do this any more a woman I work with who lives nearby drove DS and I to work and school (next door to each other) every day for three months (until I passed my test). She adamantly refused any petrol money, insisted she loved the company, we sang along to bad music together and I have made a life-long friend. She gets excellent Christmas/Easter/summer presents from me and my eternal gratitude.
Just saying. The big difference of course is that I made this arrangement as an adult.

hellsbells76 · 02/07/2012 20:32

Depending on how big he is, he may well knacker your suspension or at least flatten the tyre on the passenger side too if he's in it every day (happened to a forner colleague who had to carshare with an enormously obese woman). Sounds like he's a pampered mummy's boy - what self respecting 20 something would put up with mumsy organising their work and transport for them? The 'frape' comment is disgusting too - I don't like him and I haven't even met him! Tell the entitled pair to sod off.

holyfishnets · 02/07/2012 20:35

you could do it but highlight that you leave at 8.45 on the dot and so he should being money for a taxi if the bus is late as you can't wait.

holyfishnets · 02/07/2012 20:35

can he cycle instead?

holyfishnets · 02/07/2012 20:35

mophead?

blamethevictimsyndrome · 02/07/2012 20:44

Cant you just lie say you always leave at twenty to instead of quarter to - she's not to know really what time you leave home.

TheLightPassenger · 02/07/2012 20:45

yanbu. His mother could pick him up from your village, but can't be arsed so would prefer to inconvenience you instead...

Booette · 02/07/2012 20:46

Make sure when you take him on Wednesday you sing loudly and badly to some really embarrassingly crap music, and talk all about your period or something. He'll never want to go in your car again! Wink

TheCraicDealer · 02/07/2012 20:49

I love doing people "good turns", really, it's like crack for me. But I HATE it when people don't give you the chance to offer and basically force your hand into something you feel too awkward to say no to.

Sounds like his mum has had a bit of a long running saga trying to get him into work, and she's making it as easy for him as possible so he doesn't fuck it up.

MammaTJ · 02/07/2012 20:51

20 minutes total out of your life every day must be a big deal in your head at least. A pretty minor ask for me though.

I hope you don't ever need any small favours in the future, after all karma has a habit of biting you in the bum!!

TheCraicDealer · 02/07/2012 20:57

20 minutes a day is an hour and forty minutes a week. That's a tenner of your time, going by national minimum wage.

SundaeGirl · 02/07/2012 21:00

YANBU, of course. I think they've asked you because you are nice and reliable. Could you use that here?

I think you could maybe try: 'I'd love to agreed but I won't be saying yes as I just don't want to let you down. In the mornings I go to the gym, in the evenings I go straight to my sisters and other things, I absolutely can't expect you to deal with that unpredictability. I'm going to say no, definitely no because I realise how important this is.' Then when they counter 'no, but' just say 'no, I can't, I'm sorry'.

Whatever you do try to avoid, avoid, avoid, the 'well, OK, just for the first few weeks...'. You'll never get rid of it and if you do you'll be the bad guy for wanting your car back!

SundaeGirl · 02/07/2012 21:02

MammaTJ - that's a bit unfair. The OP is going to help out - she's taking the guy on Wednesday. However, she doesn't want to be tied to it - totally reasonable. Who wants to finish a bad day with a drive home with a 'frapist'?

Noqontrol · 02/07/2012 21:15

Agree with sundaegirl. Good way to approach it. I wouldn't want to be tied down to doing that every single day. It's a huge commitment.

SugarPasteGiraffe · 02/07/2012 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McHappyPants2012 · 02/07/2012 21:38

Yanbu, I don't give lifts to work anymore especially as i was doing this for free and when i was ill they had the nerve to phone making me feel guilty for them being alittle late. I told them that they would have to make there own way to work from now on.

McHappyPants2012 · 02/07/2012 21:41

mammaTJ the drive/bus to work is my time. i like to either listen to music or read (when i am on the bus) do a soduku or anything really.

with 2 small children and house to clean ect i look forward to the daily commute just to sit for 15 minutes and no distraction

cerealqueen · 02/07/2012 21:59

YANBU. This woman knows you are nice and it taking advantage of your niceness. Please don't do it, because you don't want to, and that is reason enough. No need for excuses and if she presses then more reason to dig your heels in as its just plain cheeky. Nothing worse then feeling obliged to somebody and then feeling resentful at them for asking and yourself for agreeing.

TiggyD · 02/07/2012 22:41

If you say yes you will be tied into this for ever.

Just say no.

Smellslikecatspee · 02/07/2012 23:01

I'm a non driver. I use my feet and public transport to get to work.
And honestly. . .

Taking the piss hugely!

Massive.

It's not a 'small' favour, 20 minutes a day = 100+ a week assuming he's on time etc, that's over 6hours in a 4 week month. Actually 6.6. So round down 6:50 hours a month, that's 78 hours a year, if you work a 7:5 day that's 10:5 days a year? suddenly that's a lot of time.

So it's 10:5 days of your time, and petrol and wear and tear on your car, and stress of waiting etc. not so reasonable now is it.

2of the team I work with most live near to me and one of our other colleague
Once suggested a car share, I don't know who looked more horrified. 90% of the time I love my commute, lots of tunnels on my route so no one can call me. I can sit and read I peace it is MY TIME.

He's being a lazy git and while I reserve judgement on her , it maybe that she is so used to sorting things out for him she can't see that this is 'off' of her on many levels.

Just say No!

Laquitar · 02/07/2012 23:06

I sort of agree with Mamma.

You might need childcare or other help one day and your friend might help you. Give and take and all this.

You could swap it with some babysitting from him or his mum?

Actually i'd like to drive with a 20yrs old because i'm not close with any of this age. i d find it refreshing and interesting to chat.

Original poster
weasar · 02/07/2012 23:44

Laquitar, that's the difference though- I would really rather not have to spend any time in this guys company, plus I don't have DC yet to take advantage of babysitting and even if I did I certainly wouldn't ask anyone at work to babysit! To be honest I wouldn't dream of asking most people for a favour unless it was a life or death situation, but I'm just like that, very shy and don't like to put people out of ask for help!
Some very good points on here, going to be firm on Wednesday and make it clear it is a one off thing!

OP posts:
QueenStromba · 02/07/2012 23:49

I really don't understand the posters who are seeing this as anything other than a major imposition. Agreeing to do this means that if the OP decides to do anything other than drive straight to and from work at the normal start and finish times then she will letting her passenger down. It's bloody rude to ask someone to commit to that sort of arrangement, especially when they aren't getting anything from it. From what I can tell the mother of said oversized infant would be able to pick her son up on the way without going too far out of her way.

Laquitar · 02/07/2012 23:51

Ah ok sorry i assumed you had kids. Good luck on wendsday.

BreconBeBuggered · 02/07/2012 23:58

This reminds me of when I was that sort of age, early 20s, and managed to be persuaded by work colleagues to arrange a lift to work with someone who drove past the outskirts of town. It was a 40 minute walk to the bypass, the money I paid him for petrol was more than the bus fare, and we had nothing whatsoever to say to one another. Horrible for both of us, really. I didn't think of it at the time, but he had young DC and probably appreciated some quiet time just listening to the radio in his car before we gormlessly got railroaded into this arrangement by more forceful workmates. In the end I moved house just to get out of it :o
Don't take this on as a regular thing, for the love of God.

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