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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to do this for my colleague?

191 replies

weasar · 02/07/2012 11:58

Basically, a colleague of mine has arranged for her son to do work experience in our office, for an indefinite period of time.
He is in his 20s, doesn't drive this is his first 'job'
He has recently moved out and therefore wont be getting a lift in to the office with his mum, so needs to get a bus to the town where our office is. The bus doesn't stop anywhere near the office -the nearest stop would be a 40 min walk to the office.
They have discovered that the bus also stops in my village (the next village beyond the town the office is in if that makes sense!)

So she has asked me if I will give him a lift into the office everyday, and presumably drop him off there after work.

The trouble is, I really don't want to have to do this - I have to admit I'm not really keen on this guy, but mostly, it annoys me that she seems to think its my responsibility just because I live so near!

I might sound really harsh, considering it's not out of my way at all, but I just really don't like the idea of being forced into doing this when I don't want to, because there is no reason why I can't do it!
(the bus stop he will get off at is literally about 15 steps from my front door so it really is no bother for him to hop in the car with me, for a car journey less than 10 mins to work.)

My other concern is that his bus will get in at 8.45 and that is the time I usually leave for work, so if his bus is late, that means I will be late. I can't very well leave without him if the bus doesn't arrive in time, or he will be stranded there and would take him at least 2 hours to walk to the office from there!

My thoughts are that if he has chosen to move out, and taken on this job - then he (or her, as his mother) is responsible for getting himself to work, and this shouldn't fall to me just because I happen to leave near a bus stop he can get off at.

In a way, I know I am BU as there is no reason why I can't physically do this, I just don't want to. I literally have no excuses I can use!

Should I just give in and do it when I don't want to? Or does anyone have any ideas on how I can refuse to do it politely when I have no reason not to?

I don't mind doing it on the odd occasion-I would do that for any colleagues/acquaintances but I just don't want to have to do this permanently.

Sorry for the massive post!

OP posts:
zlist · 02/07/2012 14:38

I would also go with toomuchmonthattheendofthemoney's suggestion of saying:

No, that won't work for me as I have other commitments and need to be flexible in my routine.

If it were a friend or if it was just on the odd occasion then I would be more than prepared to have some limitations to my freedom but this sounds like too much of a commmitment. I listend to a colleagues tales of woe over a lift-share only this morning so YANBU!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 02/07/2012 14:39

It shouldnt matter if his mum has to drive further, if she wants him to work there and he cant get there himself its her job.

It sounds like hes quite lazy and shes trying to push him into work.

I am fuming for you. Just say no, its doesnt suit, sorry. You dont even owe them an explanation.

schoolgovernor · 02/07/2012 14:40

You know what? If his mum doesn't want him to walk and use public transport then she won't mind putting herself out a bit to go and pick him up, even if it is a little out of her way. I don't think you need to make any excuses at all. She has a car, she can sort this out herself.
Just say no, it won't work for you.
(Especially after that frape comment!).

NatashaBee · 02/07/2012 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

letseatgrandma · 02/07/2012 14:44

What did you say to her when she asked you originally? Does she think you will be doing it?

NatashaBee · 02/07/2012 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NutellaNutter · 02/07/2012 14:51

You are SO NBU. I am also a rather quiet, introverted person who needs huge amounts of my own space and the idea of this kind of commitment would keep me up at night with anxiety. Over the years I have learned to say 'No' a lot more, and it has been amazingly liberating. You have to honour yourself, and be true to yourself and your own personal boundaries. It doesn't matter if other people would be happy with this sort of arrangement. If YOU are not that is the only criterion. All you have to say is, 'I'm sorry, that's not convenient.' No other explanation needed. Repeat as often as needed.

HazleNutt · 02/07/2012 14:53

YANBU. I've done it and it's a PITA. You always have to wait for the other person or rush to be ready on time. You can't just decide to start earlier or leave later, because he will be waiting. Many of them will get quite cheeky as well, asking you to change your plans, drop them here or there and so on.

I could agree if it was one-off or at least limited time commitment, but like this - no.

StealthPolarBear · 02/07/2012 14:56

Lol at stop at different shops :o

Original poster
weasar · 02/07/2012 14:56

I'm glad most think I'm not being unreasonable - I was worried that due to my social/personal space issues that I might be being really mean!
letseatgrandma (your username makes me laugh by the way!)
When he started the work experience, he was living at home with his mum so just came in with her.
He's not had a job before, so she arranged for him to come and do this work experience (unpaid - although our boss agreed he would give him some commission if he makes any sales) so I'm not entirely sure how he can afford to move out anyway Hmm but that's not my concern I suppose. although that's her reason why he can't afford to get a taxi every day, as he has no money because this job isn't paying!
There's no reason why he couldn't get his mum to bring him - I think she just sees it all as extra time and expense that can easily be avoided if I just take him as it's no inconvenience to me, and that's her solution!
The thing is, me and her work different times as well - she does 8.30-5 and I do 9-5.30. He has always come in with her 8-5 but I assume they have now decided he is also doing 9-5.30 to co-incide with my hours?! Confused
Thinking about it, I can't see why she can't pick him up from the 8.25 bus by my house and bring him into the office on her way in. It just means she'd have to come through the villages rather than use the bypass.

So far they have asked if I can do it this wednesday as she is off which I have agreed to (like i said, I don't mind doing this on the odd occasion) but she has been working it all out in terms of bus times, bus stops etc and is talking long term.
She mentioned it all a while ago before he moved out and I just changed the subject.

The more I think about it, the more i feel this is going to really put me out (even though doing the actual journey is not, its the being tied down to being responsible for his travel that will put me out)

Just for eg, this week - right now i'm thinking I might pop into the city (opposite direction) on my way home to return a top I bought at the weekend. (ok that's not 100% set in stone, I could go another day or at the weekend)
Tomorrow I have swimming at 6pm, wednesday it is a friends birthday meal in another town quite far away so will be going straight home, picking up DH and heading to friends house as they are taking us.
Thursday is gym 6-7pm so Friday is my only day where I am planning to go straight home! Ok this is a busier than average week - but Tues and Thurs are always committed to.

I may be being very selfish but I like only having to be responsible for myself at work just now. I don't have DC yet, (although desperately want them) and I am more than prepared to give up/sacrifice anything and everything for them when I do have them, I just don't want to have to plan my life around someone else's (adult) child who I don't even like much!

OP posts:
GoinCourtin · 02/07/2012 14:58

Why cant the mum travel to one of the bus stops on her way to work and pick him up? Then she will be the one running the risk on being late if the bus is late and will be tied in to picking and dropping him off.

schoolgovernor · 02/07/2012 15:06

Op, I think you need to stop prevaricating and letting her go ahead with her plans and tell her, now, that it won't work for you and you won't be doing it. It's not really fair to let them carry on thinking that this is going to happen, even though they might be taking the piss.

Herrena · 02/07/2012 15:08

If you find yourself properly pushed into a corner on this (and I do hope you won't be) how about suggesting that you can take him in with you in the morning (provided he's on time, of course) but that he makes his own way home in the evening?

That way, you show willing but it's sufficiently faffy that he might get tired of it and work out a more convenient long-term arrangement by himself.

I also agree with the people saying that his mum could easily divert and bring him in.... sounds like she is selfishly disregarding any possible inconvenience to you Angry

ENormaSnob · 02/07/2012 15:09

You definitely need to tell them no.

Tbh, I think it is downright fucking cheeky to even ask.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 02/07/2012 15:09

YANBU

I did something similar once. I saw this chap a few times waiting at the bus, and knew he worked at the same place as me (large company). I'd been doing exactly the same as him for two years before, so I knew what a PITA the journey ws by bus - an hour each way, often more like 90 minutes, whereas it was 20 minutes tops by car.

It was crap. I'd get a phone call if I was five minutes "late" (because I'd decided to hang the washing out, for example) and he'd whinge if I warned him (and I always did) that I had to stop off somewhere briefly on the way home to buy a stamp of pick up some shopping.

I was saving the pisstaker £60 a month in bus fares, and he didn't even offer to pay the 50p toll, let alone chip in for petrol. Oh, other than the one time, when he leant me the 50p (which I had to repay!).
ANyway, it's not as if this boy is in an impossible situation. He can walk 30-40 minutes easily enough, or his mum can make the effort. If his mum's off work and the weather's dreadful you might step in, but on a day-to-day basis it has to be a no.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 02/07/2012 15:13

Oh god, and he used to complain about the music I played Angry

Original poster
weasar · 02/07/2012 15:15

NatashaBee I am loving that idea! Grin Could make it all the more uncomfortable by going round underwear shops, buying tampax, 'do you mind waiting in the car while I go for my smear test' etc etc!!!
NutellaNutter (Love your username BTW!) you sound exactly like me! I think your line 'It doesn't matter if other people would be happy with this sort of arrangement.' has hit the nail on the head really!

Letseatgrandma today was the first mention of it (after she briefly mentioned it months ago - [meaning a long term thing then] and I didn't really say anything) she just said would you be able to pick him up on wed as I am off. I said ummmm..... well since I have moved I don't drive to work that way anymore so wont be passing his bus stop (in the town where the office is) so then she started researching all the bus stops in my new village instead, found one near me and said 'oh thats just round the corner from you',
I said yes I don't mind doing it on wed, but I think she got the impression I don't want to do it long term (hopefully!)

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 02/07/2012 15:19

just say

"I dont always come to work straight from home as I always run any errrands between the houses in the mornings. I dont always go straight home either what with food shopping and visiting my sister sister etc so it would be impossible to guarantee I could do this for him. Sorry. Could he not get to yours each morning or you pick hime up?"

Original poster
weasar · 02/07/2012 15:20

Oh Jenai he sounds awful! Sad what a twunt!

OP posts:
choceyes · 02/07/2012 15:34

A 40min walk for a young man is totally doable. I used to work in a rural location a few years ago and the nearest train stop was 30min walk. I used to walk 15min to the train at my end and then 30mins the other end, twice a day. I did'nt mind as I just listened to music. And I lost nearly a stone in weight over the year or so I did this. Which sounds exactly what your friends son would benefit from, from the sound of it!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 02/07/2012 16:27

I was talking about my carshare woes a little while after with a friend, who recognised him as her brother (I had no idea!).

It was funny, really. But I'd be wary of doing it again unless I knew the other party quite well.

littletreesmum · 02/07/2012 16:27

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ToryLovell · 02/07/2012 18:05

I thimk its good of you to help as a short term measure on Wednesday but knock it on the head quick sharp.

I got into similar with a school run and it was a bloody nightmare to get out of. One day I had DD at home sick and got a call to say DS wasn't well, so sent her a text to say I wasn't picking up from school so could she make other arrangements for her DD and got a shirty reply to the effect of "Well what am I supposed to do about it?"

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 02/07/2012 18:22

Good grief Tony, sounds like my lift-leech. People are quite astonishing sometimes, aren't they.

ophelia275 · 02/07/2012 20:03

You're not selfish at all. I think she is being bloody cheeky!

Why is it your responsibility to get her adult son into work? If he wants to work (and wants to be an adult) then he has to act like an adult, not expect a stranger who happens to live in a convenient location to give him lifts every day.

And if he is broke there is no way he is going to pay you petrol money, so presumably you are expected just to do it for free because she says so?