Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For these to be the conditions on which DS (age 6) is allowed to play at someone's house?

208 replies

becstarsky · 29/06/2012 19:04

Just laid down the law to DS about this then wondered if AIBU because this is something that has come up over and over again.... I actually think I might have even posted about it on MN before but can't remember. It's been such a saga.

DS is friends with a kid in his class and they've been friends for two years. Nice-ish kid, nothing much against him. Kid keeps inviting DS to play at his house after school. I've told DS that the child's mother or father has to ask either me or DH if it's okay - and that they have to be known to me. ie. the first conversation we have can't be 'Can your DS come over to mine?'. They have to say 'Oh hello, you're becstarskykids Mum, aren't you? How are you?' and we have to chat and THEN they say 'Wouldn't it be nice for them to play together?' and then we exchange numbers. So that I know them a little bit, just have a bit of a feel for what they're like. And, also the playdate has to be reciprocated - they come over to ours (with kids Mum in tow), or maybe play in the park near ours.

But the family are very strict Muslim and for this reason apparently this kids mum and dad won't speak to me (because I am western female) and kid isn't allowed at our house. I'm 99% sure this is the reason - I know that they speak English. So the invites keep on coming but only via DS from his friend (they are both 6). The kid is very upset that DS hasn't come to play at his house, he has approached me about it at school gates and doesn't understand when I keep telling him that his mum has to speak to me before DS can go to his house and that at age 6, DS can't go to play in a house with people who I don't know.

So firstly AIBU and more importantly - how can I manage this kid's disappointment and DSs disappointment about it? They would love to play together outside of school hours. I alternate between feeling sad for the kid, feeling liberal angst at feeling sad for the kid, feeling exasperated with the kid collaring me every time I'm at the school gates, feeling exasperated with the kid's parents not understanding that it's not reasonable to expect me to send my child into a house where I"m not welcome? And it's been going on for ages.

Thoughts? Flames? AIBU?

OP posts:
nancy75 · 29/06/2012 19:05

Is there a reason that you can't go to the other mum and talk to her?

Toughasoldboots · 29/06/2012 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nancy75 · 29/06/2012 19:07

Who told you the parents won't talk to you? Do they even know their son has invited yours round to play?

Original poster
becstarsky · 29/06/2012 19:07

Of course I've done that nancy75! She blanks me - as if I"m invisible and inaudible.

OP posts:
MummyDoIt · 29/06/2012 19:08

What would happen if you approached the other mum at the school gates?

FootballFriendSays · 29/06/2012 19:08

Huh? Why can't you go to the mum and talk to her? Is it 'cos you haven't been introduced?

meditrina · 29/06/2012 19:09

Does either parent appear at drop off/pick up?

If so YABU, at least to the extent that you do not appear to have tried going up to them to say "Hello, you must be DCfriend'sMum/Dad", and then see where it leads.

I think expecting a conversation to conform to your "script" is unrealistic, too.

gordyslovesheep · 29/06/2012 19:10

why don't you talk to her and invite her son to YOUR house?

Original poster
becstarsky · 29/06/2012 19:10

Apologies, I assumed that saying 'they won't speak to me' would lead you to understand that I had tried to speak to them without success.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 29/06/2012 19:10

The reason (strict religious) is often food preparation. My sons BF is Sikh - he never comes here, we (the whole family) are welcome there. My assumption is food prep (they are vegetarian Sikhs). His other mate is Muslim, again, they will pop in here but never eat or drink, we are welcome there and invited to eat and drink.

It's the whole halal thing hides the bacon

MerylStrop · 29/06/2012 19:10

What Nancy said

Why can you not initiate conversation with the kid's mum with the children present? Or get your partner (if you have one) to speak to the other boy's dad?

You're putting up as many barriers (recipricosity) as the other family.

scummymummy · 29/06/2012 19:11

why don't you approach the mum and ask if her son can come to yours? Maybe there is a reverse situation going in at their house with her boy asking and asking for playdates with your lad and her saying " but his mum has to speak to me first" ?

BellaVita · 29/06/2012 19:12

The OP has tried to speak to the other mum.

scummymummy · 29/06/2012 19:12

sorry x post! what did the mum say when you spoke to her?

nailak · 29/06/2012 19:14

seriously, why would she not speak to you as your a western female? Confused

why would anyone think its ok to have a kid round their house without checking with the parents first?

gordyslovesheep · 29/06/2012 19:14

I am wondering how you even know they are 'strict' Muslims if you have never spoken to them?

We have friends who are both Hindi and JW which makes birthday parties a bit sticky (depends which parent you ask) but they come round to tea a lot and vice versa

wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/06/2012 19:15

YANBU

At that age it should be through the parents, and if she blanks you then you shouldnt feel guilty about her child.

I wouldnt let my DD go to a house I knew nothing about. Especially if they were unwilling to reciprocate.

eosmum · 29/06/2012 19:15

You've obviously tried, next time the child asks, take him to the mother explain to her, whether she answers you or not, tell her to explain to him your reasons.

RackandRuin · 29/06/2012 19:16

If she isn't talking to you, I would assume that the invitation came from the boy and not the parents.

Obviously you can't just let your ds go round to a house uninvited, don't know how to explain it to two 6 year olds though. Could you put a note in the boys book bag inviting him for tea?

MerylStrop · 29/06/2012 19:17

Maybe the invitation is only from the child

Original poster
becstarsky · 29/06/2012 19:17

I know they are strict Muslim because the mother's face is entirely covered, when I walk past their house they have posters in their windows about atrocities against Muslims committed by the west, and because... Well, it's pretty darned obvious!

OP posts:
nancy75 · 29/06/2012 19:18

So when you spoke to her she just totally blanked you? Are you sure she speaks english?

LeeCoakley · 29/06/2012 19:18

Does the mother not speak English? I'd put a letter in the boy's schoolbag saying that their son keeps asking for playdates but unless you know it's come from the parents, i.e. speaking to you about it either by phone or face-to-face then you are assuming they know nothing about it and can they ask their son to stop asking. If you get my drift. If a mother had knowingly blanked me in the playground my child wouldn't be going to her house though.

JumpingThroughHoops · 29/06/2012 19:18

DS is friends with a kid in his class and they've been friends for two years. Nice-ish kid, nothing much against him. Kid keeps inviting DS to play at his house after school

nice-ish? nothing much against him?

That aside, have you tried, "ok Fred, lets go and talk to your mum and see what she thinks"? (I'm assuming Mum does the after school pick up?)

diabolo · 29/06/2012 19:18

If she won't speak to you (which, irrespective of cultural differences, I would find very rude to say the least), then there's not much you can do.

I don't think YABU at all.

All you can say to the child is that you are sorry, but unless his Mum invites your DS then your DS can't go. If she won't even speak to you, it doesn't sound like your DS would be exactly welcome at their house, does it?