For these to be the conditions on which DS (age 6) is allowed to play at someone's house?

[becstarsky]

Just laid down the law to DS about this then wondered if AIBU because this is something that has come up over and over again.... I actually think I might have even posted about it on MN before but can't remember. It's been such a saga.

DS is friends with a kid in his class and they've been friends for two years. Nice-ish kid, nothing much against him. Kid keeps inviting DS to play at his house after school. I've told DS that the child's mother or father has to ask either me or DH if it's okay - and that they have to be known to me. ie. the first conversation we have can't be 'Can your DS come over to mine?'. They have to say 'Oh hello, you're becstarskykids Mum, aren't you? How are you?' and we have to chat and THEN they say 'Wouldn't it be nice for them to play together?' and then we exchange numbers. So that I know them a little bit, just have a bit of a feel for what they're like. And, also the playdate has to be reciprocated - they come over to ours (with kids Mum in tow), or maybe play in the park near ours.

But the family are very strict Muslim and for this reason apparently this kids mum and dad won't speak to me (because I am western female) and kid isn't allowed at our house. I'm 99% sure this is the reason - I know that they speak English. So the invites keep on coming but only via DS from his friend (they are both 6). The kid is very upset that DS hasn't come to play at his house, he has approached me about it at school gates and doesn't understand when I keep telling him that his mum has to speak to me before DS can go to his house and that at age 6, DS can't go to play in a house with people who I don't know.

So firstly AIBU and more importantly - how can I manage this kid's disappointment and DSs disappointment about it? They would love to play together outside of school hours. I alternate between feeling sad for the kid, feeling liberal angst at feeling sad for the kid, feeling exasperated with the kid collaring me every time I'm at the school gates, feeling exasperated with the kid's parents not understanding that it's not reasonable to expect me to send my child into a house where I"m not welcome? And it's been going on for ages.

Thoughts? Flames? AIBU?

YANBU, I wouldn't let my child play at another's house if the parents blanked me when I tried to speak to them. How rude.

Maybe she's a cow and doesn't want ds playing at her house. So the blanking you is a way of achieving that without actually having to spell it out. Extremely rude whichever way round and very mean to both children.

Gosh, will no one read the bit where the OP says that she has tried to speak to the other mum and the other mum blanks her as though she is invisible!

Does the boy's mother speak English?

Have you tried speaking to the dad? Or a letter to him in the bag with your email address or phone number. We had this. She was not "allowed" to speak to a stranger without her husband being present so I did it through him.

Sounds to me like the children want it to happen but the mum for whatever reason doesn't want to have playdates - I think you have to explain to your DS that he can play with his friend at school but his Mummy doesn't seem to 'have time' for playdates right now and so it won't be happening - i should leave the religion out of it unless you know for sure this is the reason she may have hundreds of other reasons not to do playdates.
My DD is always asking if she can go to so and sos but i always wait till parent asks or approach parent and invite so and so round to ours - i think the need to have a particular conversation is a little extreme but if you invite the child over first then ask mum to stay for a coffee you can chat then I find most do it anyway if their LO is coming for the first time - few parents dump and run in a stranger's house.
I think in this case you have to accept it's not going to happen and help DS understand he can have other friends to play and play with this friend at school- maybe she has a fixed idea of how you should approach her and you're not doing it the right way

The only thing suggested here that I haven't tried is a note in the book bag. That might placate the child and DS and if it is a language problem it might help. If I do this, will you help me draft? I'm thinking an invite for us to take them to the park together after school - neutral ground?

my sister had this....it has taken until year three to get to an arrngement that suits all. The Mother won't talk to my sister but does all the communication via her son....he has told my sister that he is allowed to play at her house and his cousin will collect him...this is what happens. Then my nephew was asked to their home and he went...when it was pick up time, his Dad went for him and he knockd on the door....the letterbox was flapped up and a female child said she would fetch my nephew....he was delivered back that way. He said he had a lovely time and his friends Mother said he was a very nice boy who could come any time.

My sister accepts this...she has bent her usual rules for the family and they have bent theirs.

She has no communication with the Mother...but the Mother is lovely to my nephew.

not acceptable. if they won't speak to you or allow their child into your home, your child does not go there.
meeting to play in a neutral place sounds good.

YANBU at all. Very weird that she won't even acknowlege you when you approach her. Also, her son's disappointment is her problem to manage (assuming that she knows about the invite), you should just worry about your son. You could try putting an invitation to play in the other childs bookbag (via teacher). If there is still no response I think you just have to call it a day as they obviously don't want the friendship between the children to go anywhere.

JumpingThroughHoops - I would be very uncomfortable about my child always going to another childs house without it being reciprocated. And I would would be rather that the excuse is foor prep. Surely children can play together for an hour or two without food being an issue? (not an attack, genuine puzzlement).

Sounds v bonkers, but what do I know?! I would do invitation in book bag for this boy to come to you. Tell your DS you have done it, tell his buddy you have done it, wait and see.

I'm so relieved to hear that others have come across this situation tbh! Very interesting TheSpokenNerd and clemetteattlee - good to hear how you got around it.

I also would not want my child being exposed to someone so obviously repressed as I would not want her to think it is normal.

Prob a language problem

Is ther another mum who can act as interpreter? Just had the same situation myself and mum was just v v shy and speaks no English. Her daughter came over to mine and they had a fab time. When I dropped her off, the mum was effusive with sign language and gifts of food! A bit of a surprise after 3 years of being completely blanked!

Prob a language problem

Is ther another mum who can act as interpreter? Just had the same situation myself and mum was just v v shy and speaks no English. Her daughter came over to mine and they had a fab time. When I dropped her off, the mum was effusive with sign language and gifts of food! A bit of a surprise after 3 years of being completely blanked!

A step further to what mercibucket suggests would be to have quiet chat with teacher for advice re interpreter parent/ how to approach the situation. They may have ideas which would help with communication with this boy's family.

I wouldn't invite a woman who patently ignored me to go anywhere with me! How rude.

I had this at my daughter's school. There was a new girl in her class and she and my daughter became friends. I sent an invitation to my daughter's party - ignored. Whenever I passed this woman she would ignore me. I ended up going over to her in the playground and saying "Hi, I'm LittleBlether's mum. We wondered whether your DD could come to my DD's party on Saturday. We did give her an invitation last week."

She looked at me, looked at her friends and laughed. She then turned her back on me.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Sorry, changed my mind. The invitation is off."

Turned out the mum belonged to a sect like JW and didn't believe in birthday parties. Well, why not just say so and say her DD couldn't come?

I wouldn't let my son go to the house of people who refused to talk to me and who actually blanked me when i tried to speak to them

I find "ie. the first conversation we have can't be 'Can your DS come over to mine?'. They have to say 'Oh hello, you're becstarskykids Mum, aren't you? How are you?' and we have to chat" weird personally. How do they know those are your rules? If you want to get to know them, you can approach them - your DS wants to play with their DS, and it seems a bit funny to have some social small talk convention getting in the way - if you expect the first time they play to happen with parent in tow anyway, I don't even get why you need to do the social dance first? If you are allowing your DS to go to their house unaccompanied it is of course NU to want to know the parents a bit, but it is U to expect them to know what your expectations of getting-to-know-you school gate chit chat are, esp if you are not prepared to make the first move!

I try not to discriminate against anyone for their culture or religion, but I would not be comfortable with my child visiting a house where a grown adult was 'not allowed to speak to strangers'. In a non-religious household we'd be advising women's aid, not trying to find ways to enable the behaviour. Why does religion change that?
Are there any MNers who are in this situation who can explain it to me?

Okay so how about this for the book bag

Dear X's mum

X and DS have become good friends. DS and I often go to X park after school. Perhaps X could join us with you after school one day? It would be nice for them to get a chance to play outside of school. Do let me know (my phone number)

All best wishes, Becstarsky

Not speaking the language does not stop one from smiling and acknowleging another person. I've lived in other countries and not spoken a word of the language, it made me try harder to communicate. Ignoring someone is bloody rude, however you cut it.

ah no, teach me not to read the thread. I still find the comment about needing a certain social ritual / conversational order weird BUT if the parents blank you THAT would seem to me to be the issue - no YANBU not to let your son play at the house of parents who blank you when you do try to chat to them!

As a staunch feminist I'd be interested in that pov as well fairyfriend. I do have muslim friends (classic 'I'm not racist but...' but I have to say it in context!) who are liberated - some wear hijab, some don't - but they work, socialise, joke, and don't discriminate against me. But I don't really 'get' this. The total face covering is difficult too - it made it hard for me to know whether she WAS blanking me. I stood there talking for ages like a total numpty before saying 'Oh well, bye then!' and wandering off... Argh!