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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guests bedrooms, beds and children

346 replies

Mosman · 18/06/2012 14:04

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU i'm a little stressed so my judgement is a bit blurred.
Jist is against my better judgement MIL is coming with us for 6 months when we emigrate to Perth some may remember the real dilemma about taking her in the first place but she's coming to try it out and help us settle in - god help me.
So there is an minor issue being blown out of all proportion IMO about beds and bedrooms.
When we first arrive we need to keep our costs down, DH doesn't have a job yet so I want to rent a 2/3 bedroomed place, DH and I will camp on the sofa bed, the baby will sleep with us and as we get our stuff over the children, 3 girls need a room for their beds and toys etc.
Grandma (MIL) thinks she should have a room to herself and we should buy her a bed as soon as we get there as she has arthritis and a whole catalogue of various other problems. The kids would be expected to sleep on blow up mattresses.
She also isn't happy that the baby will wake in the night - well who is and thinks we should get a bigger place so that less people are disturbed i.e. her. Nevermind that I have to work to support us all on this magical mystery tour.
She isn't planning to contribute towards the rent, will buy her own food as she has two big bills coming up - not sure how she would have handled those big bills if she was staying at home but she is basically pleading poverty.
Nobody made her come with us, at first she didn't want to because she would loose out financially but it seems that WE can loose out and that's just fine.
I am getting more and more aggregated about the whole situation and we aren't even on a plane yet.
Am I being a cow ? It's only for 6 months I guess.

OP posts:
Cuddler · 18/06/2012 14:07

can you not tell her you dont want her to come?it doesnt sound like you do and she sounds annoying.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/06/2012 14:07

YANBU - she sounds like a nightmare....if she wants a bigger place then she'll have to put her hand in her pocket and pay for it. If not, tough luck!!

Good luck to you!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/06/2012 14:07

...and will it only be for 6 months.....really?

Original poster
Mosman · 18/06/2012 14:08

It has to be for 6 months, she can't get a visa for any longer.

OP posts:
soverylucky · 18/06/2012 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mosman · 18/06/2012 14:10

Yeah that's right, hence she can only stay for 6 months.

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 18/06/2012 14:10

Just tell her when it comes to house that you've found what you can afford. Do ensure she has her own room, as it sounds like you'll need some time away from her. The girls will be fine on blow up matresses.

cantspel · 18/06/2012 14:10

tell her if she comes she has to contribute to the financial pot as you cannot afford to keep her for 6 months.

If she doesn't want to pay her way then she doesn't come. Simple.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/06/2012 14:11

So after 6 months she has to up and leave.....is it worth the effort...can you convince her its a load of hassle just for 6 months and she'd be better off staying put?

NatashaBee · 18/06/2012 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarkyWench · 18/06/2012 14:17

This is a very bad plan.

eurochick · 18/06/2012 14:20

Why on earth do you want her to come with you to help you settle in? Why is that necessary? It sounds like it is going to be much more of a hinderance than a help. And also what NatashaBee said about health costs.

carabos · 18/06/2012 14:24

Nightmare scenario Shock.

If she wants more space she will have to pay for it, or better still, get her own place. You can't seriously move your family to another continent and expect that living in less than optimal conditions will help with the settling in process. Sounds like she thinks she's coming for a holiday, rather than to help out.

Six months is a very long time and its not easy to get a break from one another in those circumstances.

Don't do it. tell her you have had a rethink and its not going to work - she can come out for a short visit once you have got everything to a straight edge.

Original poster
Mosman · 18/06/2012 14:24

God knows about the health costs, she has insurance for the whole stay but yes that is another thought/issue.

OP posts:
SweetTheSting · 18/06/2012 14:28

Mosman, I remember your previous thread.

Broken record technique: 'This is what we can afford. This is what is best for the girls, who we want to be settled in quickly as this will be our new permanent home. If this doesn't sound like it will suit you, perhaps it would be best if you didn't come/came for a month.'

Repeat as needed.

zlist · 18/06/2012 14:28

YANBU
It sounds awful already Shock
I think she does need her own room (as do you and your children). I would look at a minimum of 3 beds. I do not understand, at all, why she isn't prepared to pay rent or why she cannot buy her own bed (although clearly she does need one). If she will be a genuine help then yes but it really doesn't wound like she will be any help at all...

BetterOnACamel · 18/06/2012 14:29

There's so much stress moving with small children, plus getting a whole new life together from scratch - why start your new life with this weight around your neck? Tell her it's bound to be such an uncomfortable time initially that it would be better if she came for a (short) visit after you've settled in? She doesn't sound like she'll 'help' you much anyway.

Original poster
Mosman · 18/06/2012 14:29

I've had several threads about her various trantrums, coming, then not coming due to loosing out on her pension then coming again to "help" with the children who don't even like her, I don't particularly like her, Dh isn't even all that keen himself.
I can see her sulking off home before Christmas never to be seen again but my god will we suffer in the meantime.

OP posts:
cureall · 18/06/2012 14:33

There is no way I would be happy to put DCs on blow up beds for 6 months.

The situation does sound dreadful. Can't you leave a day early and not tell her?

I'd do anything poss to get her to stay in UK for the first six mo's while you all settle then come over after that if she must. I didn't read your other thread but if it's only for 6 mo's anyway it seems a bit pointless....

StealthPolarBear · 18/06/2012 14:36

i do agree she sounds a nightmare, but don't get your current planned setup - where are you expecting her to sleep?

Original poster
Mosman · 18/06/2012 14:37

Honestly - on a blow up mattress until the beds arrive, shouldn't be more than 3 months tops.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 18/06/2012 14:43

Well, it's going to go one of two ways, either a) she'll come with you, be unhappy with everything and make you miserable and cramped in your home with no escape from her, making the first 6 months of your new life hell or b) she doesn't come with you, be unhappy about it and make you miserable for the time before you go and then on the phone when you call her, with the option of hanging up if she's horrible to you.

I personally think option B is the best of 2 bad choices - there's no "storybook perfect Granny" situation.

Why not sell it to her that you will have no space and she'll have to sleep on a blow up mattress when you first move, however, you've talked about it and it might be better if she visits for 6 months after you've got settled, got your home sorted and a guest room arranged? You could make it sound like you think it'll be 3-4 months, but you could push it out when you get there if your DH takes a while to get a new job. She'll strop up, but she'll do that anyway, and this way you don't have to go through the trauma of moving to a new life and dealing with her am-drams.

If you insist on going through with this plan, it will be hell, stop acting like you have no choice.

Original poster
Mosman · 18/06/2012 14:48

The tickets are booked, it's not as though I can stop her coming now, more about managing the situation without feeling like a complete bitch.
My suggestion to DH was that we would be "out" every weekend, at work/school in the week and basically try and keep out of her way.
DH thought I was being mean at that suggestion.

OP posts:
DowagersHump · 18/06/2012 14:49

Why is she coming? It sounds like an awful idea.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/06/2012 14:51

DH thought I was being mean at that suggestion

Presumably DH will be out at work and leaving you to deal with her........I think that is mean!

Sorry OP it sounds like a complete receipe for disaster and no way could/would I sleep on a blow up bed for 3 months, let alone my kids.