Guests bedrooms, beds and children

[Mosman]

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU i'm a little stressed so my judgement is a bit blurred.
Jist is against my better judgement MIL is coming with us for 6 months when we emigrate to Perth some may remember the real dilemma about taking her in the first place but she's coming to try it out and help us settle in - god help me.
So there is an minor issue being blown out of all proportion IMO about beds and bedrooms.
When we first arrive we need to keep our costs down, DH doesn't have a job yet so I want to rent a 2/3 bedroomed place, DH and I will camp on the sofa bed, the baby will sleep with us and as we get our stuff over the children, 3 girls need a room for their beds and toys etc.
Grandma (MIL) thinks she should have a room to herself and we should buy her a bed as soon as we get there as she has arthritis and a whole catalogue of various other problems. The kids would be expected to sleep on blow up mattresses.
She also isn't happy that the baby will wake in the night - well who is and thinks we should get a bigger place so that less people are disturbed i.e. her. Nevermind that I have to work to support us all on this magical mystery tour.
She isn't planning to contribute towards the rent, will buy her own food as she has two big bills coming up - not sure how she would have handled those big bills if she was staying at home but she is basically pleading poverty.
Nobody made her come with us, at first she didn't want to because she would loose out financially but it seems that WE can loose out and that's just fine.
I am getting more and more aggregated about the whole situation and we aren't even on a plane yet.
Am I being a cow ? It's only for 6 months I guess.

I don't get it. You don't want her there, DH isn't keen on her coming - why the fuck is she going with you?

Doesn't matter that her ticket is booked, just say no!

It does indeed sound like a dreadful idea and you sound unhappy about it already. What will it be like 6 weeks down the line, never mind 6 months?
As regards sleeping arrangements, I think she has got the nerve of Old Nick making any demands whatsoever on you and your family. if it was me, she'd get a shed in the garden and then only if she was lucky. (Other people have made less emotive and more workable suggestions)

You must have a heart of gold, nerves of steel or an enormous capacity for zoning out.

Tickets (even non-flexible) can be changed, it just costs a little bit, BA charges about £20 if I recall correctly. I'd tell her it's a blow up mattress for the first 3 months, or you could push back her ticket by 3 months, 4 to be on the safe side. OK, she still visits but it does at least mean you can get your life sorted first. I'd talk to DH probably about it now, you can find other solutions.

The idea of being out every weekend isn't pratical either, for the first month you'll have admin, sorting out, getting furniture etc sorted, moving country and house is hard work.

To be fair I'll be out at work too.

I agree it's a disaster waiting to happen hence the sick feeling I have in my stomach already.
You should have heard the sobs, not exaggering when i told her she would need to bring her own bedding as we wouldn't have spares. Fuck knows what a 75 year old needs to bring in her suitcase that she hasn't room for a few sheets but the world nearly ended before I introduced her to vacuum packs.

I'm just letting off steam really, there is sod all I can do about it.

OP

The money spent on the tickets is a sunk cost. You can regret the loss of the money, or you can regret the loss of the money AND the presence of your MIL.

I know what I'd do!

(or - you may be able to change her ticket dates for an exorbitant admin fee that is less than the price of a new bed)

oh and the other option is saying "if you don't like the accomodation we're offering, there are a lot of hotels in Perth. We can't offer anything else, it's your choice." Repeat.

On health costs, make sure that YOU read all the small print of HER policy to make sure she's declared all pre-existing conditions and that they'll be covered. If not, you'll risk bills of 000s of dollars.

It's £75 to change the ticket, it's not the worst idea and then she can enjoy the full benefits of a Perth summer

DO IT Mosman!!

If she's so poor how has she managed to secure a visa and how has she been able to afford the travel insurance for 6months with all her ailments?

It's a holiday visa, they are free but yes insurance has cost an arm and a leg. Which is why I would feel bad saying no you can't come now, she's all packed and good to go.

There is no way on earth I would be taking Grandma.

Sounds like the stuff of nightmares. Can she not visit if she must in 6 months time when you're all settled?

I did think of that but then that would be almost worse if she comes out when we are all lovely and settled, have a nice comfy guest room for her, i'm worried the bugger will realise she only has to pop to NZ and then she can come back for another 6 months.

You might feel bad saying no now, you're going to feel even worse when you're stuck with her, night in, night out, on the other side of the world. I can't believe your DH hasn't said no full stop, tbh.

You are right. I just don't think we can get out of it now.

Everyone, esp increasingly aged parents, has to realise that there comes a point at which they get too old to be a help and instead become a serious hindrance. Goodness only knows how this querulous old woman thinks she is going to help you. It is utterly ridiculous - she would be much better off letting you make the move and then coming out for a months hols once you are settled. It's crazy and bound to make your marriage come under strain. And 6 MONTHS!! I adore my mil but I wouldn't want to live in a little flat with her for 6 wks let alone 6 months!!

How the hell have you and your husband let this dreadful idea get this far?! I'm sorry, I feel awful for you. But my mind just doesn't understand at what point this ever seemed like a good idea?

She's going there to help you settle? How??
I imagine some childminding here and there will come in handy and that's about all.
She's going for 6 months while you are making a move there that's much more permanent. In 6 months time hopefully she won't be a factor (she really shouldn't be one now but I don't think you can back out if tickets are booked)
I agree that she would need her own room etc. Just make cost-effective decisions that are right for you. And I would make it known before you leave for the airport that she won't be involved in any 'family' decision making. Otherwise all hell is sure to break loose.

I'm very interested to learn just how she ended up tagging along...I have a MIL much like yours and this would be a nightmare senario for me.
I wish you lots of luck with her!

I remember your previous thread, and everyone on it telling you what a crazy idea it would be to take her.

Tbh, there are not many ways to reason with a woman who disappears abroad with some man leaving a 3yo and a 5yo home alone and shut in a playpen.

Don't bother arguing or explaining again . If she has to sleep on an airbed sharing with the children then so be it. Her choice to go or stay, and it is up to her to consider whether her health is up to it. You cannot let her wreck your children's childhood as she wrecked your husband's.

This is very much on my mind the fact that she considers herself too good to sleep on a mattress on the floor but it's a perfectly acceptable solution for my DC's.

I don't understand how or why she is coming with you?

I think from what you say you are going to have far bigger issues with her than simple sleeping arrangements

If you really are stuck with this situation simply repeat 'we can only afford two bedrooms' then if she objects or complains 'maybe its better if you never darken our doors delay your visit'

There's something about all this that seems so sad. She sounds so sort of desperate - for company, for attention, for love. But in a terrible, panicky, black-hole kind of way that puts you in a very difficult position. I mean she must be desperate to be moving all that way for just six months - crazy desperate.

If you really really can't change/move her flight back a few months, and she really really is coming with you, I'm going to say you should buy her a bed - nothing fancy - but the fact is that she IS 75 and blow-up mattresses are flipping uncomfortable at any age but with old and arthritic bones, I can only imagine it's a lot worse.

But on things like bringing bedding, helping round the house, actually being helpful generally, you should try to hold your ground as best you can imho, despite the sobbing. And fgs don't let her hear about the NZ trick!!!

I couldn't sleep on a blow up bed for more than one night so I really don't think your mil should.
As for everything else, I can only see problems and misery !

There is no way on earth I would have my MIL or own mother to stay for 6months. Just no way

However, air beds are difficult to get up/down from, especially if you are older, etc and some people find them uncomfortable. Children will be fine on them, but not so an older person.