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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

311 replies

geosprout · 18/06/2012 07:29

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ladymariner · 18/06/2012 07:37

Yanbu, he was bang out of order. However, without knowing the back history of your relationship with your MIL, I wouldnt blame her particularly, he is the one at fault. If he's told her a load of lies she's bound to be angry at you, although she should have heard your side first.....

Original poster

geosprout · 18/06/2012 07:39

Thank you. I really feel I couldn't feel any worse if he had s**ed another woman. Nuts, isn't it? Gotta go to work. Replies much appreciated. Ta.

OP posts:

ComposHat · 18/06/2012 07:42

Right, your partner discusses his relationship difficulties with his mother (as I have done and I'm sure pretty much everyone else on this thread has) and it warrants that sort of reaction. Have you never done the same op? Who is he allowed to share his feelings and worries then?

YABU

DuckingHell · 18/06/2012 07:44

I have never ever discussed my problems in my marriage with my parents, my friends yes, but not family, DH however does with his Mum and she thrives off it.

I don't want my parents to think bad of DH and that's what would happen if I grumbled all the time, because even though he can be an arse, so can I.

Tee2072 · 18/06/2012 07:45

What on earth is s**ed another woman?!?!

Original poster

geosprout · 18/06/2012 07:45

Quick post: not his bloody mother and certainly not in depth telling lies about me! If she asks: 'we're experiencing difficulties but we're working through them' should suffice.

OP posts:

ChaosTrulyReigns · 18/06/2012 07:46

Tbh I think it's pretty useless to draw these comparisons. I know you're angry atm, but nothing is gained by this. Just try to concentrate on the issues you and DH haev, that's what's needed.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 18/06/2012 07:48

Tee.

squeakytoy · 18/06/2012 07:48

True or not, taking the phone off him, and going ballistic is not going to help matters, and will just look as if he is in the right..

There is no point in being angry at your MIL, she was not the one lying, he was, and if you said anything to her on the phone along the lines of your last paragraph, then you are out of order too.

I really cant make my mind up if you are being unreasonable or not, but I do feel you took it out on the wrong person.

MsVestibule · 18/06/2012 07:50

YABVU to think that discussing your marital problems with his mother is worse than adultery - and perhaps they have a deeper relationship than you think.

But seriously, grabbing the phone off him is not a normal reaction. Did you say anything to her, to provoke her screaming at you?

Forget this incident and work on your marriage.

differentnameforthis · 18/06/2012 07:51

Shagged, Tee.

Op, I don't think he should be telling lies, but you really had no right to snatch the phone off him & have done yourself no favours. Would it be acceptable for him to take the phone off you when you are using it? You should have waited to talk about it after the call had finished. Now his mum will just believe what he has said, regardless, because you acted very unreasonably!

Everyone needs someone to talk to when they hit difficulties. I guess it is no different from you having just shared this on here.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 18/06/2012 07:52

This is really difficult.

Are the things he said blatant lies with no truth in them at all, or could it be that he has a perception that is very different to yours?

H has to be able to offload to someone, and it's up to him who he chooses to do that with. It's not a betrayal because it's his Mum, although I can easily see why it feels like it is. But if ou still love him you should want him to be able to recieve support from somewhere when your relationship is difficult.

Tee2072 · 18/06/2012 07:53

I honestly can't work it out Chaos!

Sexed? Slept with? Sucked?!?!?!?!?!?

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tee2072 · 18/06/2012 07:54

Oh...shagged. Thanks Different. Didn't see your post there until I put my last one.

Truly, OP, you can write out shagged. Or even fucked.

And I think by taking the phone off him you made it worse.

differentnameforthis · 18/06/2012 07:56

IKilledIgglePiggle · 18/06/2012 07:57

If it was a woman talking to her mother would it be different, um.

ComposHat · 18/06/2012 08:03

Are the things he said blatant lies with no truth in them at all, or could it be that he has a perception that is very different to yours?

I think that is the crux of it, assuming the latter especially as the op couches it in terms of 'painting me out to be the bad guy' rather than completely making stuff up about me.

Okay going to pull the whole gender reversal chestnut...but if a woman had posted that her male partner had snatched the phone from her whilst talking through their relationship difficulties and started verbally abusing her mother, the reaction would be 'he is attempting to control you' 'he is a bully' 'this is a form of domestic violence' and 'he is isolating you from your family' and with good cause too.

Mayisout · 18/06/2012 08:04

Why was he telling her a load of lies?

You all sound like you need a kick up the a* (the thing you sit on Tee).

Take a step back and sign up for relate counselling try to leave his 'D'M out of it.

squeakytoy · 18/06/2012 08:06

armchair?

Tee2072 · 18/06/2012 08:07

Thanks May! That one I figured out. In my defence, I'm American and shagged isn't the first term for fucking I would think of.

And I agree with everyone saying that if a man did that, took the phone off a poster here, the immediate response would be 'leave the bastard.'

So how much was lies and how much was things you don't want to hear and how much was him blowing off steam?

Tee2072 · 18/06/2012 08:07

squeaky.

Bluegrass · 18/06/2012 08:07

So he called his mum for a bit of advice/support/a whinge, gave his side of the story (just like everyone who ever posts in Relationshis on here does) and you grabbed the phone and went mental?

If I was his mum I'd be a bit scared on his behalf now!

Northernlurker · 18/06/2012 08:08

Why is your dh not allowed to talk to his mother about his life? You took the phone away from him? If I was talking to my daughter and somebody did that I would scream at them too!
I think you've behaved rather badly and if this is typical of you then it's no wonder your marriage is struggling. I agree - talk to dh about getting some counselling to work through your issues as a couple. Then you won't need to worry about anybody talking to anybody else.

mumblechum1 · 18/06/2012 08:09

I'd hope that when my ds is in a relationship/married, he will always feel that he could come to me to privately vent/ask advice.

I don't expect he would, although we've always been pretty close, but if his wife did what the OP did I would certainly be concerned.

mumblechum1 · 18/06/2012 08:10

Xpost with Northern

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