aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

[geosprout]

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

So his mum is the issue? Because you don't like her?

So you are not implying that talking to your family (specifically the opposite gender) is incestuous?

Really, op? Really?

Ah well, PandaWatch, that would be c'est la vie. Gossip spreads, but it would be preferable.

Clearly there is more we need to know about the MIL as I don't understand your problem with her..? Or is it just her status as his mum?

Talking about them IN DEPTH about your relationship with your spouse is incestuous. Visiting them, chatting to them about politics, the neighbour's cat, and what old Mrs Smith is doing? Just fine. No problem with that at all.

Because anyone is preferable to his mum? Because you don't like her? Like your DH said?

Mind you it depends what he was saying, if it was all negative and bitter about you then of course that's going to rankle

Perhaps there is nothing positive & sweet to say?

Not incestuous as in having sexual relations, just emotionally incestuous.

I think you need to look up the meaning of incestuous, op! Because I am pretty sure it doesn't mean talking about your private life with your own parent!!!

Why the feck is it emotionally incestuous?

What complete and utter bullshit

there is nothing "incestuous" about talking to a parent about your problems.

Do you not have children?

It's nothing to do with her as a person it is her status as his mum. Am I the number one woman in his life that he discusses things with or is she? If it's her, he can go and move in back home.

It's nothing to do with her as a person. Although I truly dislike the bullying tone she took.

and incest means sexual activity.. you are barking mad...

Adding incredibly sexist and hypocritical to your list are you?

You obviously loathe your MIL and don't think much of your husband either. Why not divorce and they can both be rid of your own flavour of bonkers solve your problem?

Op-I am sorry you are getting a kicking on here-some people like nothing better than to kick someone when they are down

I understand where you are coming from completely-I too would be furious if my dh blabbed to his mum details of our personal life-especially our sex life!! how inappropriate!

My dh actually did commit adultery a few years ago-and do you know what? the fact that he chose to tell his mum and bil about before he had the decency to admit it to me was worse than the actual adultery imo!!

YANBU btw.

Well have read all so far op let me say I would have said you were being unreasonable at the start as he an talk to his mother for advice when he likes and how he likes as it's his mother and he is giving her his perspective of the problem.

Having reed all your posts I now think you are very unreasonable and should consider that maybe some of what you overhead may be more than just his perspective and actually more true than you care to imagine about yourself.

But you should have learned as a child that people who listen at keyholes never hear anything good about themselves.

squeakytoy, not always. It means discussing things with your parents that you should not be owing to proper boundaries.

My dh, apparently, has not yet developed proper boundaries and is still metaphorically attached to his mother's breast.

Next dh will be an orphan.

"Am I the number one woman in his life that he discusses things with or is she?"

obviously not you, and I cant imagine why...

"If it's her, he can go and move in back home"

"Although I truly dislike the bullying tone she took"

The only one with the bullying tone seems to be you.. you cannot control who people speak to. Although I am sure it seems you think you can.

Perhaps he doesn't feel he can talk to you, op! Really, WE are having hard time getting through to you, GOD knows how he feels!

There is something called covert incest, but again, that is nothing like chatting with mum about your marital problems on an adult/adult level. It is more to do with an inappropriately sexualised dialogue between adult/child.

"Next dh will be an orphan."

WTAF?!

Well he can talk to her for good because he has broken my heart with his deceit.

OP, YABU to think that it should be different for men and women, and YABU to have snatched the phone - you should have dealt with it afterwards with your DH. YABU too to liken it to adultery. I also don't like the tone of some of your other comments.....

BUT, I agree with Panicking - I would not like my DH to discuss our marital problems, particularly our (maybe lack of?) sex life, with his parents beyond saying things were not going well. I would not share these things with my own parents. These are private issues, and there are things which I think parents should not be told because they can adversely and probably unfairly (because only one side of the story will be heard) affect the relationship between a spouse and their PIL.

I have seen first hand how this can cause problems - my SIL bad mouthed her DH to her parents when they were having problems, telling them all his faults. They separated, then got back together, at which point her parents refused to see her DH at all because of what he had "done to her".

It is a dangerous (and I think inappropriate) game sharing too much with parents. Perhaps the exception is if the relationship is definitely over.

Anyone should be able to discuss whatever the hell they like with their parents if both parties involved feel comfortable with that. Just because you dont approve, does not make it incestuous.

Ishoes, thank you so much for understanding. Awful isn't it?

It means discussing things with your parents that you should not be owing to proper boundaries

No it doesn't, because emotional incest is what you just made up. COVERT incest refers to adult/child discussing inappropriate stuff.