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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

311 replies

geosprout · 18/06/2012 07:29

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:25

Well women do, don't they? Like I said, it's not necessarily good -perhaps on a scale of bad things people in relationships do-it's a 5/10. Not awful but not good. When men do it, it's a big fat 9/10.

I'm his wife. He should not betray me my telling her our problems in depth. I don't mind him saying that we're having problems -I don't expect him to lie to her- but to discuss our intimate life. Well, I'm sorry, but I do still feel having had a chance to calm down that adultery is better.

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ComposHat · 18/06/2012 13:25

I do think it is pathetic that a 50-year-old man spews out his marital troubles to his mum. It is not so bad when women do it, I suppose. Not good, but not so bad

Abnd doing exactly the same to forum full of strangers is?

Snorbs · 18/06/2012 13:28

Like I said, it's not necessarily good -perhaps on a scale of bad things people in relationships do-it's a 5/10. Not awful but not good. When men do it, it's a big fat 9/10.

What.The.Actual.Fuck?!?

So who are men allowed to speak to about the issues in their marriages then?

PandaWatch · 18/06/2012 13:29

I don't think it's a bad thing for anyone, male or female, to have a close relationship with a parent that allows them to unload about their problems. I think it's a shame that you think of it as a betrayal.

Was your DH actually lying or was he telling his mum selected facts out of context? Because if it's the latter, you are still right to be annoyed but I think a lot of people are guilty of this (happens all the time on here!) and it's certainly not a massive deal akin to adultery!

Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:31

Well, actually, it is because you are strangers that it is better. No comebacks, no bias. Better to discuss such things with strangers, frankly, or a priest or vicar or marriage counsellor. Anybody but his fucking mother.

Snorbs see above list of possible alternatives.

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Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:35

He was lying. Actually lying as in telling big fat porkie pies. 'We don't visit that often because she doesn't like you, mum'. No. We don't visit because he keeps it to the minimum he can to get 'brownie points'.

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PanickingIdiot · 18/06/2012 13:36

I don't think it's OK for women either.

If you still want the relationship to work, you should never, ever put your spouse in a situation where they are humiliated in front of your (and their) friends and family. They won't forgive it and neither will the relatives/friends.

Think about how you would ever sit down to the dinner table again with people who've been told all about your or your partner's shortcomings, embarrassments, problems etc. which are none of their business to begin with?

If you genuinely need help or advice, there are professionals and other, uninvolved people to turn to, without undermining your partner and the relationship you're trying to save.

If you aren't trying to save it, fair enough, bitch away.

Disclaimer: I'm not talking about serious abuse or anything along those lines. But then again, saving your partner's dignity would be the last thing to worry about in those situations anyway.

Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:38

Oh yeah, and he came into the spare room today and said he still loved me and hoped we could make a go of things. Knob.

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Sidge · 18/06/2012 13:38

"Well, I'm sorry, but I do still feel having had a chance to calm down that adultery is better."

If you think that your husband having an affair with/shagging someone else is preferable to having him discuss your marital difficulties with his mum then your marital problems go deeper than this and your perception of normal is skewed.

ShullBit · 18/06/2012 13:40

From where I am standing, he was telling the truth, just skipping out his own selfish reasons too. You have admitted that you say that you aren't happy going x day, and to change it. That does make it awkward to set plans.

He is unreasonable to put full onus on you, but everyone is guilty of doing this at some point by not painting themselves in a bad light and it isn't anywhere near comparable to cheating.

Personally, it seems to me that he isn't lying exactly, more so leaving out certain info which doesn't do him any favours.

YABU saying he cannot speak to his mother about relationship problems.

YABU grabbing the phone off him.

HWBU for allowing it to be perceived that it is all down to your doing, but quite frankly, I do think that is the least of your problems.

Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:40

Thank you, PanickingIdiot, they both delighted in ganging up on me. I could tell.

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Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:41

They've picked the wrong person.

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ShullBit · 18/06/2012 13:42

Why is he a knob for telling you he loves you and wants to make it work? Hmm

PandaWatch · 18/06/2012 13:44

From everything you've said it sounds like you don't like his mother! Confused

Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:45

Because he has betrayed me, that is why. Betrayed me utterly and completely with his mother. Men should not talk about their marital problems in depth with their mothers. It is wrong. Saying that there are problems that are being worked on or that things can't be worked out and a couple are separating is one thing- you can't exactly lie if your spouse has left you- I don't expect him to lie just say that 'things aren't going well' and leave it at that.

The bastard.

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Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:46

Panda I don't now. Silly *** should have just said she didn't want to hear. But, of course, she got off on it.

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Birdsgottafly · 18/06/2012 13:48

OP you should have reversed the genders to,it wouldhave been interesting because i'd put my life on it that your DH would have around 95% support, in regards to speaking to his mother.

It is the lies that no-one would agree is ever ok. It sounds as though this was not a case of his side of the story, he told outright lies.

That needs addressing.

Unless you can afford professional involvement, which is out of the reach of many, most people have to confide in family or friends.

StepOutOfSpring · 18/06/2012 13:49

YANBU to think it's unacceptable. Your marriage, your business. Certainly not OK to discuss it in-depth with others behind the other person's back. If he really needs to talk to someone impartial he should talk to a Relate counsellor - in fact you both could.

imnotmymum · 18/06/2012 13:50

Well would it have been better for the relationship if he had slept with someone else whilst relationship in a bad patch or talking to his Mother ? That seems a bit silly to me OP. Maybe you should have listened then gone over his conversations like adults to explore why he/you feel this way. Could have learned a lot from eavesdropping.

PandaWatch · 18/06/2012 13:50

Your reaction to his mother and your posts about her on here indicate to me that things weren't exactly rosy between you and her. I find it really hard to believe that your dh was out-rightly lying by saying you don't like her.

Birdsgottafly · 18/06/2012 13:50

"Men should not talk about their marital problems in depth with their mothers. It is wrong"

If you were posting that as a man there would be at least three regular posters that would tell you that you are controlling and abusive by that statement.

People, regardless of gender have the right to confide in who they choose to.

Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:53

What on earth is the point of being married if you're still going to be attached to the mother's tit?

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ShullBit · 18/06/2012 13:54

Sorry, but just because you think it is wrong for a man to talk to his mother, doesn't mean it is and that you have any right to stop him.

You sound controlling tbh.

I agree he shouldn't of lied, but you really have no right to stop him turning to his mother just because of your (pretty much sexist) attitude towards men doing so, but yet it is fine for a woman Hmm

You don't appear to give a jot about him, so why are you with him exactly?

Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:54

And I am not a man, and sorry to sound sexist, but it does make a difference.

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Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:55

Talking is one thing. Doing it in depth, actually telling his mother how often we have sex, is another. Don't you people who disagree with me have any boundaries?

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