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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

311 replies

geosprout · 18/06/2012 07:29

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 18/06/2012 08:18

Wow that's really bad! I could never trust a man of mine again if i found him telling lies about me to make me look bad! How manipulative! Wonder what he was up to?

I had an ex who would tell lies about me. Things like if i was doing well professionally he would say he had done my work for me. Insecure, lying little twat! He was also jealous and possessive.

If he is only in touch with his mother for her money as well then he is a scumbag as well as a liar. I would dump him.

PooPooInMyToes · 18/06/2012 08:19

Northern. Do you not think the op had a right to be annoyed considering he was telling lies about her to his family!?

Northernlurker · 18/06/2012 08:23

The OP says it was untrue - but then she also says 'painted' - which implies he was putting a spin on the facts not making things up from scratch AND she says that she is no innocent and it's 6 of one etc etc. So actually no I don't think the substance of the conversation is a problem. Her problem is that he was talking to somebody else - and she stopped that by force. Rather losing any moral high ground she may or may have had don't you think?

mumblechum1 · 18/06/2012 08:26

There are no absolute truths or lies in relationship breakdown imo (quarter of a century's experience as a divorce lawyer Wink).

There are only perceptions.

Whatmeworry · 18/06/2012 08:27

IMO anyone who thinks talking about relationship issues with their mother is worse than adultery, and yanks the phone off people, and then splurts it all over MN instead is highly likely to be a significant part of the problem.

squeakytoy · 18/06/2012 08:28

Nobody likes to hear themselves being talked about in a negative way, and like others have said I do wonder if rather than it being lies, OP sees things one way, and her husband sees them differently.

The phone call was midway through when op walked in, and unless she stood eavesdropping on it, I cant see that he would carry on talking about her while she was standing there in front of him.

PooPooInMyToes · 18/06/2012 08:32

Mumble. Well i can tell you there were definitely lies in mine! He wasn't quite 'right' though. Actually this money grabbing man doesn't sound quite right either.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/06/2012 08:36

I think you are out of order. You were snooping on his conversation. Clearly he sought help from his mother? Are you the reason he only pays her "duty" visits?

How very dare you listen to your husbands conversation, feel so entitled that you march in and grab the receiver off him and go ballistic at him and his mother? That is really unreasonable behaviour.

JoanOfNark · 18/06/2012 08:46

If he came in a snatched the phone off you while you were talking to your mother, would that be acceptable?

You were well out of order.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 18/06/2012 09:35

If it had been the Samaritans or a marriage counsellor on the phone, how would you have felt. Can you honestly say you would feel exactly the same? If it's worse because it was his mother, that's a whole different issue.
To him, she's his mam.

mumofbumblebea · 18/06/2012 09:37

if my DDs were having relationship difficulties, i'd be devastated if i felt they couldn't talk to me about it :(
my cousin has been discussing his relationship difficulties with my aunt a lot and she listens and sympathises. even though his side of things is that his wife is in the wrong, my aunt knows that this is not the case and only half of what she hears is true. however, as most people would do for their children, she listens and talks to him.
it was bad form to take the phone of your DH, if you had made you presence known he would soon have hung up and then you could have talked to him about it rather than causing more problems.
i think YABU, everyone needs someone to vent talk to.

Itsjustafleshwound · 18/06/2012 09:42

Your behaviour from how you have reported it, just sounds very controlling. I would be even angrier if my husband grabbed the phone away from me and started arguing with the person on the other side ....

Pandemoniaa · 18/06/2012 09:48

YABU (and silly) in suggesting that this is worse than your DH shagging another woman and I'd be horrified if my sons couldn't talk to me about their problems. I suspect that we'd have a rather more private talk, however, but I'd be astonished if they felt they couldn't approach me in confidence lest their wives/girlfriends threw a mighty, phone-grabbing strop. I think most of us know that there are usually two sides to any grief as well.

On the reverse side of the coin, I do recall being particularly cross when my ex-dh thought to tell his (always keen to interfere) mother about our marital issues in order that she could persuade me that her son ought to be receiving a Husband of the Year Award rather than a divorce petition. This was 2 years before we actually split up and it really wasn't helpful to have my former MIL spouting nonsense about "making beds and lying in them". But it wasn't, in any way, shape or form, comparable with infidelity!

It may be that the opportunity to have a halfway sensible conversation with your MIL has now passed. But I'd not advice any more drama over the phone. It's also always a fact that eavesdroppers rarely hear good about themselves...

BarredfromhavingStella · 18/06/2012 09:48

Really ,you wouldn't feel worse if he'd shagged someone else????? Now that is VVVVVU Hmm

Snorbs · 18/06/2012 09:54

He was having a quiet phone call with his mother. You didn't agree with what he was saying. So your solution was to snatch the phone off him (something that could be regarded as assault) and get into an argument both with his mother and him.

What the actual fuck?

Yes, you were bang out of order. His perception of what's gone wrong in your relationship is just that - his. Sure, he might've been putting a spin on things because it was his mother he was talking to. So what? You don't snatch the phone out of his hand just because you don't think that what he's saying is true.

You don't own him. You don't get to decide who he is allowed to speak to, what he is allowed to talk about and what terms he is allowed to express his feelings.

Moreover, if you think his mother was going to look down on you just based on what he was saying to her, what do you think her opinion is going to be of you now you stopped her talking to her son?

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 18/06/2012 09:54

I really feel you both need marriage counselling and definitely sooner rather than later.

You are both on a precipice, on one side lies potentially understanding each other's POV and feelings and finding a way forward together. On the other lies irretrievable breakdown and potentially separation, or staying together but feeling resentful and misunderstood.

I agree with mumblechum, there are no absolute truths or lies, only perceptions. I say this from 10 years experience as a counsellor, also from my experience in past relationships and within my marriage to DH.

So leave his DM out of it and encourage your DH to go with you to see someone professional who can support you both.

Empusa · 18/06/2012 10:15

Serious overreaction! I know that if we argue DH will confide in his mum, and it'll be skewed towards me being the "bad guy", same as if I confide in my dad I obviously wouldn't paint myself as the bad guy either!

I may not like what he says, same as he wouldn't like what I say, but neither of us would snatch the phone off each other!

thebody · 18/06/2012 12:27

You both sound lovely op, he's a money grubbed and liar and you are a violent, mouthy control freak?? Is this really the way you both are or wish to he perceived? An sure not.

You both need to talk to each other and work out first if you even l

thebody · 18/06/2012 12:29

( fukin I phone) sorry if u even like each other.

If its worth a go then work together on your relationship, if not move on, it's supposed to be fun isn't it??

PooPooInMyToes · 18/06/2012 12:30

What was he saying about you?

PandaWatch · 18/06/2012 12:45

If I was having a moan to my mum about my DH and he overheard me, grabbed the phone and started screaming at my mum I would seriously considering leaving him.

Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:13

Sorry, not been able to get back earlier. Have half day so thanks for responses. Anyway, I went 'ballistic' -that in itself is an exaggeration as I just took the phone off of him because he said that we didn't visit her because of me. That I didn't like her. The truth is this: he speaks about her to me as if she is nothing more than an inconvenience, he suggests a date to visit, if I disagree and say that I don't mind seeing her but could another date do? Because I must agree with him, because it is his way or no way. Hmm This is met with: 'We must meet her. I need Brownie points and she could write me out of her will if we don't go up'.

OP posts:
BelieveInPink · 18/06/2012 13:14

Men ALWAYS see things from their point of view, not yours, ergo you come off as the bad guy whoever he's talking to.

I'd be having a calm and frank convo with the MIL myself if I felt I needed to get my side of the story across. Having a tantrum and snatching the phone off him is doing you no favours at all.

Original poster
geosprout · 18/06/2012 13:15

I do think it is pathetic that a 50-year-old man spews out his marital troubles to his mum. It is not so bad when women do it, I suppose. Not good, but not so bad.

OP posts:
PandaWatch · 18/06/2012 13:20

BelieveInPink there are plenty of women incapable of seeing things from other people's points of view.

geosprout why is it ok for women to confide in their mothers but not men? It sounds like you don't have a great deal of respect for your DH.