aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

[geosprout]

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

How long were you eavesdropping for?! I thought your issue was him allegedly lying about why you don't visit his mum.

I actually wouldn't give a shit, no.

But I actually love and get on with my future MIL, and if I needed to vent, or get advice or whatever which meant mentioning our sex life, I would tell her myself and wouldn't care if DP had.

Jesus, what is this big taboo about talking about sex? Everyone is at it. It isn't like it is an evil forbidden secret

He was upstairs, I was downstairs making something to eat, he is very loud and I can't help but overhear him speak, and tried to contain my anger about hearing the sex part (although I was inwardly fuming, as you would be) but I'm afraid I lost it when he started making the comments about the visiting.

No, if my DH told his mother deeply personal things relating to our relationship I'd be really hurt and probably embarrassed.

But to compare it to the intense pain and betrayal of adultery and infidelity is frankly insulting to all those who have been cheated on by their husbands.

To be honest, as long as he didn't tell her how we have sex, who cares! She is an adult, raised 2 kids, is pretty hands on with her grandchildren, so I am pretty sure she knows we have sex. She also knows I have just been sterilised & that he wouldn't have a vasectomy.

I don't think she would want to know, particularly. But meh, I certainly wouldn't feel the need to abuse him for it. More like "you told her WHAT , (moving on)... what do you want for tea tonight"

I we had issues with our sex life and my husband thought he felt he needed to discuss it with his parent i would not have any problem with it.

In the same way as if i needed to discuss our finances with my mum he would not have a problem with it.

As it is we dont have any problems that need discussing and maybe the reason that we dont have problems is the very fact that we treat each other with respect. You might like to try it some day as it could well improve your relationship.

differentname, like I said, it would be better for him to do that

Perhaps you should ask the many many women on here, women who are nursing heartbreak, consoling upset children, working out how they can survive, trying to move on, going to sexual health clinics to make sure they are clear, what they would have preferred!

Because honestly, I know that I would not prefer it that way & I am pretty sure that not many (if any) would agree with you!

Lots of women talk to their mothers about these things. why is this any different?

Sidge, I am not out to insult anybody. We all feel differently about things and I really, really do feel betrayed by his actions and feel that adultery would have been better. The only exception to it being better would be if he had done it with my mum or sisters. In that case adultery would be worse than what he did last night.

"The only exception to it being better would be if he had done it with my mum or sisters. In that case adultery would be worse than what he did last night."

Glad you cleared that up. It all makes much more sense now

It's different because a woman talking to her mother is no way insulting her husband in the sense that somethings can only be woman-to-woman.

So he is allowed to talk to YOUR family about your sex life, but not his?

Really?

Would not bother me if my husband talked to his mum about our sex life... he probably already does.. I do.

Clearly you have issues going on in your marriage, and your husband needs to talk to someone about it. You should not have been listening, and you certainly should not have snatched the phone off him.

different I meant the only exception would be if he had committed adultery with my mum or sisters. I phrased it badly, sorry.

Oh, and so it is ok for me to talk to his mother, but he isn't allowed to speak to his own mother about his life in depth?

Really am shocked. And if he is a "useless mummys boy attached to her tit", I am pretty sure he would be in her pocket much much more and not caring about her money.

Looks to me like you are now guilty of doing exactly what you are pissed at him for doing, and frankly, I would be more bothered if my DP had told a forum full of strangers who don't know me from Adam than his mother who knows us both and knows there will be two sides to the story.

It's different because a woman talking to her mother is no way insulting her husband in the sense that somethings can only be woman-to-woman

Double standards OP. Your posts are full of them. It is no wonder he thinks you don't like his mum, because you really are displaying that all over your posts. Next, you'll be saying it would be preferable for him to talk to your neighbour's cousin's dustbin man!

OP, I too am offended that you have one rule for women and another for men when it comes to their relationship with their mother, I just do not get that at all.
I can appreciate how you feel betrayed if you think he's lied about you to his mother. But I don't think losing your temper ie. snatching the phone and yelling, does anyone any favours.
What is up with your MIL that you'd rather he told the neighbourhood? Why do you have an issue with disclosure? Everyone has their own limits depending on who it is and what you're talking about.
Some people discuss things like sex, salary, marital problems and some don't. That's their prerogative and I think it's his prerogative to decide what he discusses with his own mother. You are his wife not his lord and master.

God, there's some incestuous (not meant in sexual way) relationships going on out there.

Yep the neighbour's cousin's dustbin man would be preferable. Don't know what part of 'anybody but his mum' is unclear.

If he had been talking to his Dad would that have been ok?

I am hoping me and my boy have a caring relationship where he could talk to me about his relationships, I could perhaps put a womanly view which would help the situation. I hope his future wife will not see it as "mummy's boy".

Actually Op, I think he was lying to her. Saying that you don't like her being the reason the two of you never visit.

Because really, how could he say "sorry mum, I can't bring Geo over for a visit very often, because she is controlling and rude and as such I am ashamed of her.

PandaWatch, it wouldn't have been so bad. It would piss me off a bit, I admit, but not so much.

What if he had been telling your neighbour's cousin's dustbin man and his mum overheard? What if your neighbour's cousin's dustbin man told his mum what your DH had said? How would you feel then?

But I should add I agree this is a good place for you to canvass opinion, surely that's what MN is for. If you are persuaded to go a bit easier on him and think about his obvious need to talk to his MIL about your sex life it could help your relationship longer term.
Mind you it depends what he was saying, if it was all negative and bitter about you then of course that's going to rankle.