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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

311 replies

geosprout · 18/06/2012 07:29

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
geosprout · 19/06/2012 10:38

Which is what the sensible ones are saying, and they are right. I've got to leave them to it.
She is an intelligent woman, though, do you honestly think that she thinks I am entirely to blame? I know it doesn't matter when I go, I mean, so what about what she thinks?
But what is going on in her head? Does she thinks he's Mr Perfect and I'm to blame for everything? Would you?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 19/06/2012 10:40

You definitely should leave him, op. Many of us have said that.

Why do you stay in this marriage?

katamongthepigeons · 19/06/2012 10:42

OP, I still think on the pure issue of the overheard conversation, YANBU. Your DH was out of order.

BUT, your responses are getting more bizarre and as a result you have turned people against you. You are incredibly aggressively defensive. You need to step back from this thread and not be drawn in any more (like I suggested several pages ago).

If you and your DH really want to make things work (and it sounds a bit beyond that to me), you need to get some joint counselling, where you can both tell the full story.

Original poster
geosprout · 19/06/2012 10:43

I don't feel confident enough to go. He tells me that I am useless, would not survive without him, I don't know. I'm now working part-time in a job that pays half as much as I earned before.
I know that this may not be his fault, but since I've been married to him, my self-confidence has plummetted.
I feel as if I am in a catch-22 situation- I need confidence to go, but feel I haven't a hope of getting confidence until I do go.

I feel absolutely trapped. I know I am going to get responses along the lines of:' you've no kids, stop moaning', but this is how I feel.

OP posts:
DailyMailSpy · 19/06/2012 10:44

I must have read wrong, did he push you down the stairs when you went ballistic and snatched the phone from him? What did his mother say when she heard you falling? Or was it after you'd hung up?

Original poster
geosprout · 19/06/2012 10:45

Oh no, the pushing down the stairs thing is a different incident altogether.

OP posts:
Mishy1234 · 19/06/2012 10:48

I think you are feeling hurt and humiliated op and some of the responses you have posted are coloured by that. I wouldn't have liked my DH to discuss intimate details of our relationship with his parents either. It should be enough to mention you are having relationship problems, but details of your sex life really shouldn't be on the agenda.

You are hopping mad op and a bit off the rails because of that. You have come on here to vent and yes, some of the stuff you have posted is a bit over the top and unreasonable. However, some of the responses although accurate, could have been a bit kinder.

My advice is, take it easy and try to cool off a bit. Vie each other space and discuss things with a little perspective.

SoldeInvierno · 19/06/2012 10:48

Is it any wonder I don't like, love or respect him? He calls his mother names, has let her down on numerous occasions.

Why the fuck are you still with him? are you in a country where divorce is illegal?

SunRaysthruClouds · 19/06/2012 10:49

Ah ha, it's just clicked

Geo, you're writing a script for Eastenders, yes?

differentnameforthis · 19/06/2012 12:17

he took exception to something I said, he then pushed me and I fell down the stairs. I am frankly shocked that anybody would think this OK

Once again, OP....the stairs bit is new! How can you say that we are all OK with you being pushed down the stairs, when all you have previously said is that he pushed you!?

This is Am I being Unreasonable, not Is Mumsnet psychic!!!

ShullBit · 19/06/2012 12:25

This is REALLY getting confusing. Each time you post, you add that little extra info.

Because of the drip feeding, you really are coming across in a wrong way. Whether that be because that is how you are, or whether you are accidentally coming across that way but seriously, my advice to you is to stop posting drip feeding on this thread, name change, and post in relationships as it is obvious this thread isn't about whether you was unreasonable or not.

Whatmeworry · 19/06/2012 12:29

Jeez, though, when a woman comes here and says -in all honesty- that her dh has pushed her down the stairs, you'd expect people to say 'leave the bastard' or at least, ' This is dysfunctional, best to go'.

You need to go re-post on Relationships where people will swear blind your DH is a bastard and you should leave him no matter what the circumstances give you the proper support you need.

Drip feeding ever more lurid details on AIBU is never a good idea.

sparkybabe · 19/06/2012 12:30

Oh FFS geo - you come on here complaining that DH has slagged you off to his mum, then that he pushed you, then that he called you frigid, then that he pushed you downstairs, then that you are scared to be alone and looking after your own self...because he's drained your self-confidence...

WHat the hell do you want us to do? I think you should start by thinking for yourself.

Original poster
geosprout · 19/06/2012 12:41

sparkybabe, I don't expect anybody here to do anything, what do you expect when you post here? Nobody cares about me, seriously they don't. Not my dh, or my family, nobody, it's always been that way for me.

So, no, I don't expect anybody to do anything or help me. Never have. I thought my mil would be at least kind, and not get involved, but no, she used it as an opportunity to stick the knife in.
Just came here for advice and to vent. Well sorry if you've never done that.

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 19/06/2012 12:51

Seriously geospout why don't you just leave him then today. Pack a bag open the door and don't let it hit you in the ass as you walk out. Because it seems you are contrary no matter how many people tell you their opinion is that you are the unreasonable one.

So why have you not left?

ShullBit · 19/06/2012 13:18

You may of come here to vent, but for advice I very much doubt.

I also feel you came here as you wanted to be told you was right, then when that didn't happen, you got defensive and started drip feeding.

If you had of took on board what was being said, rather than drip feeding, or even said to begin with "I have also known him to have such a temper, that he has pushed me down the stairs" rather than going from him lying, to shouting abuse at you, to pushing you, then to pushing you down the stairs. Each post gets worse, and others would be fuming on your behalf and this thread would of gone a completely different way if you had of gone the other way and started off with the actual bad stuff, but it does appear that you are adding on certain info as you go along in order to be told you are right and to "Leave the bastard".

Whether you are right or not, this relationship is obviously not working and I do think you should leave for both of your sakes.

I do feel for you OP, but I also feel like banging my head against a brick wall with every drip feed you make.

Just go and post EVERYTHING in relationships, and leave this thread to die.

Original poster
geosprout · 19/06/2012 13:20

Was that bit about 'hit you in the ass' really necessary?

Oh and by the way, since I have expanded on the original post, am I unreasonable for everything? Perhaps I deserved to be pushed down the stairs? Did I deserve it do you think 'NovackNGood'? Perhaps I did after all. Perhaps violence should be tolerated. My mil would agree with you.

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 19/06/2012 13:30

This is like wandering into the Twilight Zone. OP you sound at best completely bonkers and at worst, controlling, very angry and unpleasant. Stop the drip-feeding, it makes you lose credibility and makes it look like you're trying to trap posters with all this "Oh, you think it's OK for a man to push his wife down the stairs". Amazingly enough, no-one would think that was OK Hmm. YOu sound like you'd both be better off without each other. THere are no DCs, so what's stopping you?

Original poster
geosprout · 19/06/2012 13:52

You think it is OK, Avon, either that or you do not understand that woman who have been physically attacked and live in fear of their partners don't act all sweetness and light and calm all the time.

OP posts:
ShullBit · 19/06/2012 14:09
NovackNGood · 19/06/2012 14:26

So please tell me geospout why have you not left yet? If the abuse is as you say just open the door and leave. Your life will get better as soon as you do that.

sparkybabe · 19/06/2012 14:50

But Geo - you didn;t come on here to get advice or support for the DV in your life. You came on because he was slagging you off to his mother.

And please don't suggest that some of us don't know what it's like to live with abuse.

And plenty of us have said - just leave. LEAVE TODAY! NOW!

Don;'t tell us that you can't because he has 'eroded your self-esteem' - you are quite capable of attacking him physically (snatching the phone) and verbally, and of defending yourself (to MIL and on here to us). You are 35-40 years old? Get yourself a new life.

squeakytoy · 19/06/2012 15:27

I thought my mil would be at least kind, and not get involved, but no, she used it as an opportunity to stick the knife in

But she was just listening to whatever your husband was saying to her.. you have no idea what she was saying or if she was defending you..

I can honestly say you have some sort of warped mentality here that will twist everything anyone says into it being an attack on you, and everyone else is at fault but you, despite in your intial post you admit that you are 50% at fault with regards to the problems in your marriage. I can only imagine you must be very very difficult to live with.

Empusa · 19/06/2012 15:42

"But she was just listening to whatever your husband was saying to her.. you have no idea what she was saying or if she was defending you.. "

Just wait squeaky, I get the feeling we are about to discover the OP does know what was said..

StillSquiffy · 19/06/2012 15:49

As I said this morning, this is a car crash of a thread.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs, you are coming over as a drama queen, and people are failing to sympathise because they think you are making stuff up as you go along. Getting hysterical and all 'woe is me' is not going to change the way this thread is heading. Your opening post makes you sound very aggressive, and that's why people aren't buying the victim bit you are coming out with. Doesn't mean you are NOT a victim, but this whole thread is implying otherwise, especially as this 'pushing incident' comes in as an aside and is then exploded into this big problem that you, um, forgot to mention in the beginning..

Leave the thread, OP, seriously. Or ask it to be pulled. Then try to clear your head, calm down, and then work out what issues you need advice on and start a new post. But be prepared to listen next time, not drip in what suits you if the advice you get isn't what you want to hear.