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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if talking to your child should take precedence over reading your book

208 replies

clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 08:48

I genuinely don't know how I feel about this one but it has been on my mind since yesterday (I am revising for exams so my mind is easily distractable at the moment) so I thought I'd see what you think.

At the cafe of the swimming baths with my daughter last night, waiting for my MIL and son to finish his lesson and come down. Next to us was a woman reading a novel and a child who must have been about eight or nine. For half an hour she read her book and didn't speak to him. He didn't have anything to do but equally wasn't playing up. He just stood there watching the world go by, occasionally scuffing his heels.

Now I am by no means the perfect parent - my daughter and I were playing drawsomeon my phone not having a deep chat, and when I am on holiday or at home I do get engrossed in a book and try and encourage my two to do something independently, but they are in an environment where there is stuff to do rather than in a grungy cafe with nothing to occupy them.

I am not judging this woman, who knows what her child/relationship/background is like, but I suppose I wondered if this is unusual behaviour, or maybe I just play "entertainer" to mine too readily?

OP posts:
JoanOfNark · 15/06/2012 08:49

yabu. You don't know anything about them, why chatter inanely when both seem perfectly happy?

Mayisout · 15/06/2012 08:55

From when they are tiny we bombard NBs with bright colours/ tinkly bells/squeaky toys. I now wonder if this is a mistake, we seem determined to make them alert (long term hope imo seems to be improve intelligence leading to well-paid or rewarding career). Am now thinking this is wrong and encourages an inability to just be without entertainment.
Having read Why French Children Don't Throw Food I think more of that style of parenting (where baby doesn't always come first) would be better.
I am in late 50s and we were not constantly amused. More stuck in pram or play pen for hours to 'amuse' ourselves and I am inquisitive and interested in stuff so more of that style of childrearing would be better imo.

sommewhereelse · 15/06/2012 08:55

Agree with Joan and would add she's setting a good example by reading a book to pass the time.
Perhaps his book was in the bag but he didn't feel like reading.
It's not like he was talking to her and she was ignoring him.

Icelollycraving · 15/06/2012 09:00

Yabu. He wasn't talking to her & being ignored,he wasn't distressed. I think it is quite healthy for children to not be entertained 24/7.

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 09:00

May would you say it is definitely worth a read (given that I am by nature a person who wants to put myself first but feels constantly guilty about it?)

OP posts:
cory · 15/06/2012 09:01

I am very talkative and statistically speaking would have been likely to have been that parent brightly discussing the relative merits of football and rubgy, the gestation time of the African elephant and the home lives of the Tudor monarchs. But not all the time, not every single minute of the day. You might well have caught me on the odd off half hour, just like the brightest and cheeriest of aunties will sometimes present as a glum face on the family snapshots. And as dc get older it is becoming increasingly clear that they relish a few moments here and there to just relax with their own thoughts.

ceeveebee · 15/06/2012 09:08

I've just read the French book, its very good, it has certainly changed the way I think about parenting. The section on narrated play is very accurate, I think we call it loud parenting on mumnset, ie the complete opposite of what this woman was doing.

takingiteasy · 15/06/2012 09:08

I've often thought about the whole trend of bombarding newborn babies with stimulating toys. I didn't really do it with my first and although now, at 6, he's as guilty as the next boy of crying 'I'm bored', he's also really good at amusing himself.

Op I think you're over thinking this. It might be an arrangement they have! I'm envious!

What was she reading??

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 09:09

Most days I only get about an hour to talk to my children so I suppose I feel like I need to make "every second count" when I'm with them. They are pretty full-on though. Maybe I am doing it wrong?!

OP posts:
Original poster
clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 09:10

Some thriller I think.
I am definitely overthinking, but i often do when I see parenting that seems different to the way I am doing it.

OP posts:
takingiteasy · 15/06/2012 09:11

My ds also asks a thousand questions a day, we're more often than not engaged in some kind of chat.

Then there's the odd time he'll ask me to be quiet and he'd like some peace.

GobblersKnob · 15/06/2012 09:14

Yabu, if he wanted her attention and she was ignoring him or telling him to go away, that would be different.

Ds has swimming lessons every week and dd (4) is not old enough yet, I tend to read the free Stylist mag and she entertains herself with the other bored kids, win win.

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 09:18

As I said I have no idea about this family, but it made me wonder about something else I have read that if you routinely ignore them they don't expect to get attention, and should children expect to get attention of some sort? I couldn't tell of course whether this was a one off or if he had become habitually used to being ignored in favour of a book..

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/06/2012 09:21

It's not unusual. Quite a lot of us think it's very important for children to be able to entertain themselves. If you set yourself up as their 24/7 entertainer or have their day mapped out with wall-to-wall activities they never develop things like patience or resourcefulness.

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 09:22

I agree (maybe I am one of the "us"!) but what can they do to entertain themselves in a cafe with nothing provided (there was no bag/book etc for the child - he didn't even sit down but just stood kicking his heels)

OP posts:
BarredfromhavingStella · 15/06/2012 09:30

I crave the days when I'll get to read in peace again so I'm jealous & say YABU.
Also I can could BC spend hours people watching & letting the world go by, perhaps this boy is the same.

ceeveebee · 15/06/2012 09:32

Maybe having taken him swimming she felt he'd been entertained enough already and could just drink his juice and chill out. Maybe as other posters have said he had books/toys in his bagbut didn'tbother getting them out. She probably didn't realise she was under observation.

Suspect this was definately not a one-off, or he would have been kicking up a fuss.

Ciske · 15/06/2012 09:36

There's nothing wrong with a bit of daydreaming/looking at people as a source of entertainment. If the child was ok, I'd say good on the mum for taking some time to read her book.

I found the less I sit around and entertain DD, the better she has become at imaginative play. It's not a bad thing for kids to be in their own world for a bit.

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 09:36

No bag, no juice, they were waiting for older brother to finish swimming.

How can you tell which children are being neglected and which are choosing not to speak? If this woman had been on her phone would that be the same?

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 15/06/2012 09:36

That might be the quietest half hour in that woman's day, where she gets to do something for herself. Her child might have perfectly happy with it. So, YABU.

Besides, I wouldn't have noticed, I would have been reading. Wink

quirrelquarrel · 15/06/2012 09:37

No- the boy should know that his mother is her own person, not his own person, with her own interests. It's good for him. For all you know he was playing out a whole pretend world in his head as he was looking bored. A cafe is a perfect place to people-watch.

Although I think you phrased the OP very diplomatically! ;-)

quickhide · 15/06/2012 09:37

There is no way to judge without knowing any more info. If she had brought nothing for him to do, entertain himself then I can see your point. For all you know, he may have had a book/schoolwork in his bag, it may have been a punishment for something (eg maybe he usually brought a DS but it was confiscated for bad behaviour), it may have been that HE was in a grump with his mum about something and she was making the point of 'well if you don't want to speak to me I'll just read my book..'

cory · 15/06/2012 09:38

clemetteattlee Fri 15-Jun-12 09:22:48
"I agree (maybe I am one of the "us"!) but what can they do to entertain themselves in a cafe with nothing provided (there was no bag/book etc for the child - he didn't even sit down but just stood kicking his heels)"

My line has always been: : "Have you no mental resources?"

Meaning that if you come equipped with a brain and have had it sufficiently stimulated at other times, there should be plenty of things in there to keep you entertained.

Ime children do need to spend time with their own thoughts as they grow older; it develops the imagination and teaches them not to panic if they are not constantly stimulated.

ShatnersBassoon · 15/06/2012 09:40

YABU. You don't need to keep your eyes on a content 8 yr old. He might have had the option to read, but had decided to watch the world instead.

I read when my children are doing their own thing. I believe some people even watch TV when they're children are elsewhere in the house Shock.

cory · 15/06/2012 09:41

"How can you tell which children are being neglected and which are choosing not to speak? If this woman had been on her phone would that be the same?"

Answer: you can't tell unless you observe the family over a period of time. And there is no reason why you should want to tell either unless you have serious CP concerns.