To wonder if talking to your child should take precedence over reading your book

[clemetteattlee]

I genuinely don't know how I feel about this one but it has been on my mind since yesterday (I am revising for exams so my mind is easily distractable at the moment) so I thought I'd see what you think.

At the cafe of the swimming baths with my daughter last night, waiting for my MIL and son to finish his lesson and come down. Next to us was a woman reading a novel and a child who must have been about eight or nine. For half an hour she read her book and didn't speak to him. He didn't have anything to do but equally wasn't playing up. He just stood there watching the world go by, occasionally scuffing his heels.

Now I am by no means the perfect parent - my daughter and I were playing drawsomeon my phone not having a deep chat, and when I am on holiday or at home I do get engrossed in a book and try and encourage my two to do something independently, but they are in an environment where there is stuff to do rather than in a grungy cafe with nothing to occupy them.

I am not judging this woman, who knows what her child/relationship/background is like, but I suppose I wondered if this is unusual behaviour, or maybe I just play "entertainer" to mine too readily?

They didn't have the choice- they were expected to comply.
Well done vashti for getting back on track - I think that you are right. - extroverts always think their way is superior. If my mother had insisted on talking all the time it would have driven me crazy as a DC. Even now I need space and silence at times.

Yes, I've read somewhere (and it's obvious really) that introverts need much less stimulation than extroverts and that's why they're not as tuned in to other people, more the inanimate world, even though it's not all singing all dancing, it's still attractive....people can be overwhelming.

Good post vashti. Very true.

Sigh, I don't think I'm superior. I thought the thread was getting friendlier, seems not.

It is nice and easy if an extrovert has an extrovert DC and an introvert has an introvert DC - it must be very difficult if the have the opposite - especially for the DC.

Superior was the wrong word - it is just sad that they can't see the value in silent day dreaming.

clemetteattlee Fri 15-Jun-12 22:03:55
"Article 12 of the internationally legally binding convention: "Article 12 (Respect for the views of the child): When adults are making decisions that affect children, children have the right to say what they think should happen and have their opinions taken." That is why I disagree with quirrelquarrel."

When I am at work I have the right to tell my boss how I think I should be allowed to organise my work. But if it doesn't fit in with other people's work, the ethos of my workplace and the efficiency of our department, I don't have the right to have my opinions taken. I am only one member of staff- I have to fit in with everybody else. And my line manager does have more of a say than I do.

In a family, the desires of one member often clash with the desires of another member.

When dd wants peace and quiet and I am lonely and want a chat, my desires do not necessarily override hers- I don't have a human right to have her attention at every single moment of my life.

But it cuts the other way too. Sometimes I am the one that needs peace and quiet. And she needs to respect that too.

My husband is not only bound by the rules of the land: he is also bound by the rules of our family and by the unspoken rules of a decent relationship; he cannot for instance pester me for sex if I have made it clear that I am not in the mood. He has a right to have his needs listened to and acknowledged but not necessarily indulged at every single instance.

Ds would love to play loud music at advanced hours of the night. The natural consequences would be that the rest of the family got a headache which would hardly be much of a deterrent to him. So we have rules- and enforce them. His rights do not override everybody else's rights.

I was not a compliant child when I was young. I wanted to tell other people what to do and if they didn't comply I hit them over the head. Dd was the same: she often had to be restrained for the safety of other family members. I am not sure natural consequences alone work with the very headstrong child.

I'm sure extroverts love day dreaming like anyone, just not when there's anyone else around! :D

I really don't think that extrovert necessarily = loud and vice versa. I always thought it was more extrovert = tuned into people and intro = tuned into oneself, more intrapersonal intelligence. You could have a quiet 'withdrawn' extrovert who's brilliant at gaging people's reactions and reasons for them.

Introverts especially like the dreaming to tune out when other people are there!

What a lot of wilful misunderstanding there is here.

I understand why you have questions about this. I have worried about this a lot, actually; my dsc have always seemed inclined to demand entertainment and on some occasions have behaved like their human rights were being violated if they weren't being provided with 'something to do'...With my own dd, I have found it easier to stand my ground and say "entertain yourself", but with my DSC I have always been terrified of being found wanting, of doing the wrong thing for them, of not being as involved with them as their parents, and therefore being the bad guy.

Because I do think it is really important that there are times when they do get bored and are forced to think, imagine, come up with ideas. I was left to myself a lot as a child (not in any neglectful way) and I think it was beneficial. I also think it's good for children to realise that their parents are allowed their own time, and space, and interests.

On the other hand, I think you are in danger of making a child feel ignored if you hardly ever engage with them. So, fairly predictably... I try to strike a balance, and spend some time engaging with them but a fair amount of time leaving them to it. It can be difficult. My lot are noisy and chaotic.

Sorry if this is completely unhelpful....

Horrible to read people tying themselves in knots here trying to trip up the OP, seems this is just a sensitive subject but I do believe everyone does their best and the OP wasn't attacking anyone and doesn't deserve all the circling round her trying to upset her.

nobody is "circling around trying to upset her",don't be so dramatic (what are we, sharks? )
It's called disagreeing. OP is the one wilfully misunderstanding, she started that in her OP.
Article 12 on convention of the rights of the child? Yeah, cos that s what we all base our daily family dynamics on. what a load of guff.

It looks like that..granted because several of you are very intelligent and good at concocting an argument but it doesn't make good reading and I wanted to defend her slightly.

only on aibu is being intelligent and able to argue a bad thing.

I doubt op needs you to defend her from the big scary disagreers.

There will always be bored children, but a good book is rare gem.

I don't care if she 'needs me'

Have said my piece now :)

Thanks for adding to the debate there. Insightful. Generally people give an opinion on the actual topic, but its a free forum.

If you were in a cafe with another adult and they sat and read their book and ignored you, would you mind?
I would.

At home, however, where the child can amuse themselves, of course it's fine to do your own thing sometimes. Children don't need entertaining 24/7, but there's different times and places for engaging or ignoring.

Good sneering there

X-posted , that was not to Nanny's post, obviously

more sarcasm, actually, but thanks.

Did you have a curled lip of disdain?

Nah, mouth is too full of bacon sandwich for that.

Quirrel, I agree that extrovert does not mean loud. I disagree that it has anything to do with having a better understanding of other people.

Wikipedia sums up what it means fairly accurately I think:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion