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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if talking to your child should take precedence over reading your book

208 replies

clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 08:48

I genuinely don't know how I feel about this one but it has been on my mind since yesterday (I am revising for exams so my mind is easily distractable at the moment) so I thought I'd see what you think.

At the cafe of the swimming baths with my daughter last night, waiting for my MIL and son to finish his lesson and come down. Next to us was a woman reading a novel and a child who must have been about eight or nine. For half an hour she read her book and didn't speak to him. He didn't have anything to do but equally wasn't playing up. He just stood there watching the world go by, occasionally scuffing his heels.

Now I am by no means the perfect parent - my daughter and I were playing drawsomeon my phone not having a deep chat, and when I am on holiday or at home I do get engrossed in a book and try and encourage my two to do something independently, but they are in an environment where there is stuff to do rather than in a grungy cafe with nothing to occupy them.

I am not judging this woman, who knows what her child/relationship/background is like, but I suppose I wondered if this is unusual behaviour, or maybe I just play "entertainer" to mine too readily?

OP posts:
Roseformeplease · 15/06/2012 12:07

I think any child brought up to think that reading is a really important and totally absorbing activity is having a great upbringing. "Please be quiet, Mummy is reading," is something I have said loads of time to mine and it hasn't bothered them. When they are reading, they too deserve some peace and I don't disturb them with household tasks. Putting reading first is important and he was not kicking up or causing problems and should have been able to amuse himself at that age.

MarysBeard · 15/06/2012 12:10

I don't think you can take a snapshot of a situation and judge from there, sometimes I might be playing on my phone while the kids are off playing somewhere, other times we sit having a chat.

But talking to your kids does help their language development, and when they're older to maintain open dialogue, so they can tell you what's bothering them. I don't think some parents do it enough, certainly.

Ilovedaintynuts · 15/06/2012 12:19

I'm not judging, but... = judgement. I think you know that OP Smile.

I think this argument/discussion/issue floats around the brain of most good parents. Am I entertaining my child enough? Am I too selfish? Am I a good parent? What about me and my needs?

You can't get enough information from this one scenario.
My DD does not stop talking from the moment she wakes till the moment she closes her eyes. I HAVE to take 30 mins here and there to survive! I could be the mum in the cafe with the child prattling on.
But, my DS doesn't say much. So if I was in his company alone for 30 minutes (he's 15 - unlikely!) I wouldn't consider taking my eyes away from his face.

I think life is hard. I'm probably more selfish than I should be. I spend too long online. I read too many books. I work full-time. But I think my kids are OK.

I bet that women's son is too.

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 12:21

I love your post ilovedaintynuts. Thank you.

OP posts:
Parasaurolophus · 15/06/2012 12:27

I just did this. Maybe it was me you saw?

Oldest DS is at a swimming lesson and I am reading my book. Younger DS (a big 6) has a book to read OR he could have gone around to friend's house for a play OR he could have been on the playground outside with other friends playing. He didn't want to do any of those things. All of those options are better than sitting around the swimming pool, crawling into my lap and moaning about being bored. I was hoping next week he'd be happier going to play outside.

My children are spoken to frequently. They are highly verbal and literate, but it isn't my job to constantly entertain them.

catus · 15/06/2012 12:35

If I saw the scene you were describing, I don't think terms like neglect and abuse would even enter my mind. Why would they? It would just be a woman reading a book while a little boy daydreams next to her. The end!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/06/2012 12:41

My friend is an 'entertainer' - especially with her PFB, who is growing up into the most hideous little madam because she expects to be amused ALL THE TIME.

phlebas · 15/06/2012 12:45

same here catus

Napdamnyou · 15/06/2012 12:47

As an eight year old I read lots and was stimulated and constantly educated and asked to help with other DCs by my (teacher) parents.

But after my ballet class, when my sister was having her ballet class, I often used to stare into space and dream while Mum read.

I enjoyed it. I used to make up stories in my head and enjoy the peace and quiet. I had books and stuff but I liked to think.

Maybe this boy is the same.

Latara · 15/06/2012 12:49

YANBU - purely because i wish i had a child of my own; or even a niece or nephew... my cousins & friends who have children live at least ten miles away & i don't drive; so i don't see them often.
I'm v broody i think!! I just make a huge fuss of every animal in sight, & at work i like to make a fuss of all my patients...
Excuse the long explaination but:
I've got chronic health probs, was on meds that were dangerous if i ttc, & was very ill over past year; not had boyfriend for 4 years due to health probs, only dates with men who were nice but unavailable (eg only just separated, or issues with exes, or players) - i think it was a subconscious choice to date men who could not become my boyfriend as i knew i was too vulnerable.

On safer meds now so ok to ttc when i like; still have health probs but far less ill, working part time now & so feel up to meeting a nice boyfriend. Marriage & babies would be great, but i'm nearly 36 so i'm prepared to try single motherhood if i don't meet a decent man by 38. Even had my hormones checked & all ok.

My sister is 33, not broody at all & never has been. Same with my Mum (who loves us both unconditionally but never desperately wanted children). So they don't understand why i want children so badly; they think it's strange to make a fuss of other women's babies & toddlers like i do.
But.... my childless friends are very broody like me; so i know it's not strange.

So i've sat there seeing people ignore their children, thinking they don't know how lucky they are.
But once i've become a mother i'm sure my views will change & i'll probably be the one sat reading my book!! So i can't judge others.
YABU just because judging others isn't ideal.

IAmTheWifeOfMaoTseTung · 15/06/2012 12:49

The mere thought of taking my DCs anywhere without a book (or two, or three) each is profoundly shocking. The concept of either of them sitting quietly anywhere for longer than 30 seconds without a book (or nintendo DS/my iphone) is positively baffling. Was this child human?

5Foot5 · 15/06/2012 13:30

When I was that age I was an avid bookworm. (Still am.) My Mum less so, she is more the talkative type. If we had been in the situation you describe it is most likely I would have been desparately trying to read a book while my Mum constantly tried to get me to join in a conversation and got cross with me for "having my head stuck in a book all the time" Grin

I guess Mum's just can't win

JoanOfNark · 15/06/2012 13:35

its not mindreading, its post reading Hmm

you clearly did judge, you use words like neglect, you can't seem to appreciate that this woman may be nothing like you, might have been talking to that child for an hour before you saw them, might be anything. You need to dial it down. Ask questions, sure, but before you make up your mind, not after.

exoticfruits · 15/06/2012 13:45

Firstly it is good for a DC to know that you can be absorbed by a book.

Secondly if she had a book it must have been the sort of household where he could have taken a book had he wanted-it was probably a weekly event and he could have taken something to occupy him had he wanted.

Thirdly, dreaming and watching the world go by is a lovely occupation for some people-they need time to sit and think.

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 13:47

I think I used the word neglect once the conversation had moved away from this specific case to generally. "Neglect" is a word often bandied about when describing working class mums texting whilst their toddlers are sitting quietly in a pushchair yet when describing a woman with a book it was universally acclaimed that she was doing that child a service. As I have said repeatedly, I can't judge this woman because I know nothing about the circumstances, and as many people on here have outlined this is the way that many people choose to parent, or the way some children choose to be parented.
I can still be interested in the way people live their lives and wonder about the choices they make. Sorry if some of you see that as criticism or something to get cross about.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 15/06/2012 13:49

I agree with the posters that say that some children are more thoughful and enjoy using their observation skills, or imaginative skills.

I am in my 40's,we were expected to be able to sit for hours, if needed,even if we were very bored (in church/travelling).

My eldest DD, was never quiet, still isn't, as an adult. My middle DD now 16 is pernamently plugged into something. My youngest like to use her own mind to keep herself amused, but she has ASD tendencies. Sometimes if you see no communication, it can be because of SN and you wait for the child to come to you.

OP you state that you only get an hour a day to communicate with your children, this mother may get a lot more, you can never judge parenting from a snapshot from someone's day.

Birdsgottafly · 15/06/2012 13:51

"I can still be interested in the way people live their lives and wonder about the choices they make"

Unless you live in their house 24/7, you will never know 'the choices' that they make. They may judge you for having so little time with your child.

catus · 15/06/2012 13:52

I don't see texting next to a quiet toddler as neglect at all, FWIW. And I would be surprised if many people do!

cory · 15/06/2012 13:58

The mistake you are still making imho is that you see half an hour of somebody's life as in any way indicative of "the way they choose to parent" or "the way some children choose to be parented".

Personally, I can be strict or lenient, attentive or drawing back as the occasion seems to demand- it would all depend on which 30 minutes you happened to see. My children sometimes want attention and sometimes not. It is all about us being tuned in to each other and balancing different people's needs against one another.

ceeveebee · 15/06/2012 14:01

""Neglect" is a word often bandied about when describing working class mums texting whilst their toddlers are sitting quietly in a pushchair"

Using one crass judgement to justify another.

Has anyone actually agreed with your point of view yet?

JoanOfNark · 15/06/2012 14:02

Texting=bad book=good is your own issues again. I read books on an app on my phone, who the fuck cares? No-one.

You saw half an hour of someones life and seem to think you can tell their overall parenting style. You can't.

Original poster
clemetteattlee · 15/06/2012 14:37

I don't think people can agree because I don't have a point of view.

For the record I don't think that texting is neglect either but I am interested in the way women of different backgrounds are judged differently.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 15/06/2012 14:44

You are not parenting for show - although you get the impression from some parents that they do! I would see it as a parent and dc who are comfortable in each others company. Some parents must be exhausting if they constantly have to fill every minute with conversation! It always strikes me that the type of public parent never gets a rely from the toddler - they have learned not to bother!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 15/06/2012 14:45

Could he have had autism? Often there is no point talking to my DD when she is 'in her own world', have sometimes wondered if onlookers are judging me for not paying attention to her.

Birdsgottafly · 15/06/2012 14:47

"For the record I don't think that texting is neglect either but I am interested in the way women of different backgrounds are judged differently"

Although i don't agree with you, this time, i agree with the above statement and i have seen that across MN.