To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

yanbu. Hope you work it out.
Threatening them that they have to go to Granny's sounds tempting.
Sounds like jam sandwich teas for them for a few weeks.

If you get your kids to do all three at that age let me know your secret cause I've got no chance of mine doing that!

Agree with rabbitee

I dunno. If I was left to do all that at 12 or 13 I really can't see myself having gone to school or any of the rest of it.....

The only reason I did anything at that age is because I was made to and supervised...

Yabu. They're 12 and 13! Saying "they're free to go to Grandma's" is not enough. An empty house for the entire day is too much and you need to send them to Grandmas as a regular thing.

The not going to school however is bad. I would hope that a 12 and 13 year old could be trusted to manage that. I am not sayng they could not be left at home for a couple of hours after school but you're gone too long basically.

I would MAKE them go to grannys after school - and if she was willing I would be asking Granny to pop by to make sure they have gone to school in the morning for a while. Or is there a friend that can call for them to go to school?

The moral of the story here is that they must be up before you leave the house - if that means getting up at 6, so be it - and that they have lost the option to stay at home in the evening until they can prove to you they can treat the house with respect.

ohhh how awful, you poor thing. The kids were v v v U. What will you do about it??? Did anyone put the washing on/tumble dryer on/dishwasher/ run a hoover over the rugs? Least they could do if you are working such long shifts. You will have to tell them the "facts" of life and how lucky they are. And never leave them money again, just food that needs cooking and make sure there is enough for your dinner so they can cook that.

At 12 I managed that and more, its not too much to ask depending on the child, do you have a fierce neighbour that would be willing to shout at them if they dont go out to school?

I think it's too much for them.

Poor poor you. Hard day. No, that is disgraceful behaviour from them. They sound like mine- not to be trusted! I would be at riot-reading point. Is there any way you can get more adult help on your work days? I would be very worried (as well as livid) about the bunking off school thing. I think at the very least I would want to set up some kind of system with the school to make sure he was attending properly.

I'm not entirely convinced that boys of that age could be trusted to get themselves to school. And clearly DS2 isn't going to take any notice of DS1.

Even if you sat them down and explained the necessity of you having to earn a living I think this setup may be asking too much.

I do think them not getting your takeaway was selfish, though.

I don't think their ready yet for that kind of responsibility. Is there anyway their grandma can be there of an evening and morning? Failing that can you insist they get out of bed at 630am to prevent oversleeping and insist they go to their grandmas after school?

yabu. they are too young imo to leave alone for such a lot of the day. If you are now working get a childminder for those hours before and after school.

too much to expect from a 12 and 13 year old, its a lot of time to spent alone and you are expecting them to get up, get ready, leave the house (safely and secured) get to school on time, come home to an empty house and sort our their own meal, your meal and tidy up.

yes. too much to young.

Agree YABU. If there's no other option, can you not contact them during the day at least? It's a bit much finding out he didn't go to school till 8.15pm?

I think YABU - I would never expect my 14, 12 and 10 yr old to get themselves up and to school.

I get in about 6ish (latest) to cook their tea and they are here for a few hours alone (get home 4ish). Sometimes (maybe twice a month) I go to the pub for two hours in an eve (around the corner).

You need to make them go to Grandma's as they have proved they are not old enough for this responsibility.

It's a long while to leave a 12 and 13 year old on their own IMO

YANBU. They're old enough. At 12 I as well managed that and more.

I think they are too young to be left that long. Either morning or evening. Is their dad on the scene? Granny's house needs to be compulsory.

yabu - they're too young. They need a structure/timetable and someone to make sure they stick to it (i.e. MUST go to Grandma, no option). Plan meals so food easily available (even if just tins of baked beans and bread for toast).

I have a 12yo. I think this is blowing up time.

I would put it to them that in your opinion they should have been able to manage that at their age. But since they have chosen to behave like babies they will need to be supervised and that will mean:

(not saying that ds could never have behaved like this- just that he would have been blown up)

I also think you're expecting too much of them at such a young age.

If you had two of my dd1, you'd have had a very similar result, except she'd have painted her face rather than a skateboard, whereas two of dd2 would have vacuumed, washed up and made you a cake. They're 13 yr old twins btw.
They've blown it and you'll have to set up supervision.