To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

But if my 21 year old was here then I could easily see him trashing the place, not on purpose but just not thinking to clear up after himself, and "forgetting" to get my dinner but making sure he got his own. It might be a boy thing.

Are you saying, bogeyface that you'd accept that careless attitude from a son more readily than a daughter? Not having a go - I just think we sometimes enable "boys" to act in this "someone will pick up after me" way far too much.

YANBU

They are old enough to get themselves to school and keep the house tidy. And they should be encouraged to be responsible enough too.

I think you were overoptimistic re the take-away and would have made other arrangements - I think I would INSIST that they go to their grandmas after school and have her organise their tea. Then they can come home after at 6 or so.

Fuck no! I would go bloody mental at him! I expect him to behave as the adult he is and clean up after himself, but I do get "oh sorry, I forgot...." I am just pointing out that difference in attitude.

I just had a thought that perhaps they were testing their new found freedom to see what they could get away with. If the OP goes postal now then it may well not happen again.

Well at 8, I was the sole carer of a chronic ill family member, I would and did everything in the house, including cooking cleaning etc. and managed night waking of said family member

That must have been an incredible responsibility for you and it should never have happened, but seriously would you want that for your own children?

I would say the op's current set up isn't really parenting at all and is pretty much leaving them to their own devices.

I don't think YABU. My sister and I were doing the same if not more at that age. Perhaps you're just asking a little too much too soon. I'm sure they'll adjust to the responsibility soon and it will be good for them.

I agree - that's exactly what she needs to do. I KNOW how prissy and prim I will sound, but at the age of 12/13 I would have done what my mum expected. Obviously not going to school would have been a tempting choice, but out of respect I would have just done as asked. And if I hadn't there would have been some kind of consequence which just wouldn;t make it worth it.

What you asked was reasonable. What you received was unreasonable. Withdraw pocket money, screen time and fast food for the week.

They are old enough to take on such a responsibility in a mature fashion and it could in fact be really helpful skills wise. They will soon be young adults after all.

Write duties out clearly for them. Put chart in visible spot. Explain that if they complete all the duties on the chart they will receive their pocket money, screen time and a takeaway as a reward a the end of the week. Failure to complete tasks will result in various games/items being removed.

.. and going to grannies ever night.

Where is the OP anyway?

I think that YABU for expecting the 13yo to be responsible fr his 12yo brother. And for expecting them to get themselves up and to school - teenagers' brains are not wired for waking up before noon without adult help!

But the tidying the house and forgetting your dinner - YANBU.

At 12 I had a paper round that I started at 0630. Mum or dad never woke me up - if I didn't get up I would have lost my job, tough shit.

By the time I got back M&D had gone to work, so I had to get my own breakfast, get changed and get to school.

Finish school at 1530. Go home and do whatever jobs I had been left (usually peeling potatoes etc for tea) plus put Hoover over and dust. Then do my homework.

M&D got back at 1800ish. Mum would make tea. After tea dad washed up and i could go out. My curfew was 2100 and I had to be in bed by 10, ready to start the whole process again.

I'm astounded that people think kids this age aren't able to look after themselves.

OP I'd read them the riot act and then tell them that as they can't be trusted they've got to get up at the same time as you, and go to Grans.

I wonder if thats the problem Fermez that they are not worried about the consequences. I know that even if my parents had left me for a week at that age (not that they did, but if....) I would still have gone to school etc because the fear of what would happen when they found out was greater than the lure of a day off school!

If they are not used to having consequences spelled out to them, or because of circumstances it hasnt come up, then maybe they never considered what might happen as nothing has ever happened before.

usualsuspect Thu 14-Jun-12 21:40:25
"Would you leave your 12 year old alone for that length of time then?"

That length of time being an hour or two before school and a few hours after school with the option of trotting round to grandma's house- making a total of maybe 6 hours.

Yes, I would and I have- with the only difference that grandma's house isn't really a feasible option for us as it is at the other end of the North Sea.

When we go out at the weekend we sometimes leave our 12yo for the day if he doesn't want to go. He is reliable and knows what our expectations are. In the week his older sister would usually be at home when he comes from school.

These boys were not left without an adult to call on in an emergency; grandma was available. They have to take the responsibility for what they chose to do.

I thought Sarcalogos post at 20.44 was worthy of repeating:

^I agree that none of your requests are unreasonable, but all together on the same day is overkill.

Granny's afterschool from now on.

DS2 grounded/no tv/play station AND whatever punishment he gets from school (tell them he truanted- make it a REALLY big deal).

DS1 a verbal bollocking for not taking better care of brother.

Both of them clear up all mess and early bedtimes for rest of week.

Tomorrow night you have takeaway, they have whatever they consider to be the most boring meal (preferably cooked themselves, unless they enjoy this), and if your feeling really mean they have theirs about half an hour after you have ostantiously eaten yours and allowed the smell to waft about.^

See, all I can read on here is 'well when I was a lass'

I'm not reading anyone else leaving their 12 year olds for that length of time.

everlong probably roasting her DSs over an open fire made up of things like a freshly painted skateboard!

IAmSherlocked - no, it's not comparable obviously, because we are around. But I'm responding to the posters saying that 12/13 year olds can't get themselves off to school by themselves without adult intervention. The one who didn't go took advantage big time. I don't think my kids would do that - I know I wouldn't have dared, there would have been hell to pay. Maybe the boy naively thought he wouldn't be found out?

Why are people still 'astounded' about the age thing?

It's not about age, it's about maturity and these two are obviously not mature enough to do what the OP has asked.

We know nothing about their upbringing and what responsibility they've been given in the past.

Some kids aren't even allowed to walk to the corner shop until they start senior school...and then all of a sudden they're supposed to be mature and sensible because they're too old for a child minder.

I would absolutely leave my 13yr old DS like that because he'd rather cut his own arm off than miss school.

But that doesn't mean the OP's kids are the same.

usualsuspect Thu 14-Jun-12 21:59:42
"See, all I can read on here is 'well when I was a lass'

As I stated earlier on this thread, I do not know a single parent who uses a childminder for a child of secondary school age: most parents around here work and none can afford au-pairs or nannies.

Explain that if they complete all the duties on the chart they will receive their pocket money, screen time and a takeaway as a reward a the end of the week.

Why should they be rewarded for something they should be doing as a matter of course? It's practically giving them the option.

I think mummyinspain's point was just that if an 8 year old can do all that, then a 12 year old can do much more and certainly cope with a lot less. Not that her situation is something they should be expected to cope with.

I was a brat to get out of bed until I was about 16.. and I still hate getting up now. So I know if I had been left to my own devices in an empty house at that age, I would have stayed in bed, bunked off school, and taken the piss... but I would have had the brains to tidy the house up, and not make my parents suspicious..

For everyone saying that they know their teens would be fine, and would get up etc, have any of you actually put that into practice?