To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

helpful info here

www.direct.gov.uk/en/parents/yourchildshealthandsafety/yourchildssafetyinthehome/dg_070594

i have the same problem as i work shifts, some nights, and so does DH, and i refuse to leave my 14 year old alone. I hate leaving her to get up for school but i do it twice every 10 days, however there is some one home for her at night, either me or DH. I would not trust her to cook without anyone else there and if i want her to do something specific i leave a list (taped to the door!)

DS is home but he has SN so at 20 he is more like a 14 yr old. He can look after himself but not her, and i constantly have to remind him to lock doors etc so i hate leaving him, however he is going to uni in sept so thats one less to worry about!

I think that they have proved that they are not mature enough yet to have that level of responsibility. It would be a long day with no adult guidance. It's hard trying to juggle children and working and you have my sympathy!

YANBU but they are obviously too immature to be left. Tell them they have to go to their gran's, no questions.

I was coming home from school, getting my lunch and filling time until my dad got home at that age, so it is possible to expect a level of responsibility. The getting up and ready for school may require some supervision though, I think. What if they have to call you from school to confirm they are there on those mornings?

well, they might be a bit young to be trusted after school for that long, but FGS they should certainly be able to get themselves to school!
It sounds like they are waging a silent protest about your new job to me.
Definitly make them go to grandmas after school though.

I dont think yabu. I was getting myself up and out for school from 11 and back on my own till late in the evening. I was perfectly capable of doing this.

On a small scale, not fetching you anything to eat for tea was selfish and unfair. Even a three-year-old would understand that Mum needs something to
eat too :(

Looking at the bigger picture, I think they are too young to be left to their own devices for so long. Yes, they should be helping, not wrecking the house etc, but they need an adult keeping an eye on them overall.

For the last year I have left my 15 yr old to get himself up for school, and sort himself at the end of the day. I have to leave at 7am and get back about 6pm, one day a week.

He has been late to school once, the cupboard is regularly raided with crisp wrappers and dirty dishes in a pile where he has been sat snce he walked in the door, and the chores requested done as I am pulling up outside. Although in the last month I have seen a definate improvement, he is nearly 16 now.
I think the requests on an individual basis are fine, and the time either in the morning or in the evening alone again would be fine, but all of them together is too much at that age, they have shown this by the way they have behaved.

If mine had decided not to go to school,I would be leaving him with a childminder / neighbour/ relative, like I do his younger sister! Even at 15.

You poor thing.

I'd say they are old enough for the responsibility but may need some guidance. Are you able to ring/text to check that it's all ok in morning? Can granny ring in the morning or pop down after school?

I'll go with the YANBU-they are plenty old enough!!!! Like some previous posters I did this at 12 & a shitload more, Granny's I think & yes jam sandwiches sounds like a good idea.

Do people actually use childminders for 12 and 13yos? Do childminders take teenagers? Round here, it seems an accepted thing that once you go to secondary you look after yourself in the afternoon if your parents work.

You poor thing.

I'd say they are old enough for the responsibility but may need some guidance. Are you able to ring/text to check that it's all ok in morning? Can granny ring in the morning or pop down after school?

To those saying they are old enough...they are...for getting up and out...but not for returning to a house that's empty till' 8.30pm in addition to that. that's bedtime...they may as well live in a flatshare for three days a week without a parent! The only diff is that they have an adult around overnight.

Her kids certainly ARE old enough to "cope with" that level of responsibilty. I was doing the same at 10 and don't remember trashing the house or neglecting to get myself to school.

No wonder kids nowadays are so bloody incapable.

Well they have proved themselves to not be trustworthy. I'd get them up and ready to go and drop them to Grans on the way to work and have them go to hers on the way home and pick them up from there. If they act like they are little kids then offer to treat them like little kids. So sorry they let you down like that. I'd be super mad if my kids did that.

cory the OP has a Granny they can go to when they wish though...she doesn't need a CM

i dont believe you can put an age on responsibility - you have to weigh up how mature the child is and how responsible.

i linked to the direct gov website for guidance.

i can leave my 14 year old alone.

i am wary of leaving my 20 year old alone. (he has SN and is less mature than my 14yr old)

you have to look at the children as individuals. There is no right and wrong, and just becuuse some of you were down'tpit at 12 doesnt make it right to leave a less mature child alone.

imvho.

I was getting myself up and off to school from age 11 and was always home before my parents - I knew I was allowed a drink and some biscuits and was then expected to get on with my homework.

What on earth has changed that the majority of us now seem to think it's perfectly normal for a 12- and 13-yo not to be able to handle this kind of basic stuff?

My DD will be getting herself to school and back from January when she's 12, though I will make sure she gets up. If I find the house in a state when I get back, there will be big trouble...

And OP, you are so NBU to be cross that your DCs failed to get you any food. None of it is acceptable and you should definitely have words.

You don't trust a 14yo to cook for herself? Unless she has some form of SEN then thats pure ineffective and neglectful parenting on the life skills front. What has the school food tech department been doing? making salads and sandwiches for the past 3 years?

You poor thing.

I'd say they are old enough for the responsibility but may need some guidance. Are you able to ring/text to check that it's all ok in morning? Can granny ring in the morning or pop in after school?

Really selfish not to get you anything and to not go to school. You must be so fed up.
Think they need a babysitter if they can't handle this.

were you alone until 8.30?

I agree that none of your requests are unreasonable, but all together on the same day is overkill.

Granny's afterschool from now on.

DS2 grounded/no tv/play station AND whatever punishment he gets from school (tell them he truanted- make it a REALLY big deal).

DS1 a verbal bollocking for not taking better care of brother.

Both of them clear up all mess and early bedtimes for rest of week.

Tomorrow night you have takeaway, they have whatever they consider to be the most boring meal (preferably cooked themselves, unless they enjoy this), and if your feeling really mean they have theirs about half an hour after you have ostantiously eaten yours and allowed the smell to waft about.

yanbu to expect them to be capable of doing it all.. but you are being unrealistic in expecting two boys so similar in age to actually take any notice and not try to get away with murder..

I think it is actually a bit too long out of the house leaving them to their own devices, because before you know it, they will be bunking school with their mates, round at yours, because their mates know you are out all day and half the night..