To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

Regardless of their age

Regardless of what anyone else did at that age

Your kids are not ready for this responsibility and you need to provide childcare for them.

I don't think I ever would have gone to school at that age if my Mum wasn't there to insist on it.

I dont understand people saying they are too young. I know that I could leave my 14 and 10 year olds here and have no problems. That said, they are girls so maybe that makes a difference.

I would be bloody livid. The skateboard would be the first to go and if granny is amenable then they would be going there every day. Punishment would include paying back the £20 you gave them too.

"Can you get an au pair"?

Are you actually serious?

usualsuspect

we used to go to bed at 10 in the mroning , half and hour before we got up

They're not too young

They're too immature and not ready for the responsibility imo.

OK, then they need (from now) to be taught responsibility, and quickly. How can they do it, if they've never been taught?

well i could leave my 12yr old to do this and he would be fine, so yanbu to be very cross with them and if they were mine there would be stern words and removal of xbox etc.

as it is they have proved they arent trustworthy so they will have to go to grandmas after school and you will need to get them up in the mornings and sort out some way of ensuring they go to school.

sorry they have let you down like this op.

Sorry but YABU 13 hours is fucking long time to leave 12&13 year old.

All the anecdotes of what we were capable of when we were that age are completely irrelevant really: what's clear is that for whatever reason, the OP's children aren't mature enough to be unattended for so long. And it is a very long time - were all of you who are claiming you were running the country home at the age of three left to do so until 8.30 in the evening?

It also sound, though, as if they're not really worried about possible consequences - what will be the consequences of their behaviour? If you report the truancy to the school and refuse to cover for him, ban all take-aways for an extended period of time and tell them that from now on, they have to go to grandma's after school on each day that you're at work, you might find that they start to realise that they have to earn your trust back.

Oh, and it goes without saying that you need to order their favourite take-away and eat it in front of them while they have beans on toast...

I like ZZZEN's suggestion of gently breaking them in.

But I certainly don't think that you shouldn't expect maturity at all.

It's not about "I was down the mines"-sized expectations, more a recognition that a youngster who may well have to look after himself full time in 5 years from now should start getting some practice in.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch

'And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you'

Yes, I was being flippant. I think it's a step-at-a-time thing.

Xpost usual

But they're not being left for 13 hours. They're at school.
Oh, wait...

The OP's children could be mature enough the next day, if they're properly told off and they get a shock and they take things seriously. It is their fault, it's not something in their brain they can't shift. They can remember their mum's dinner. They can put things in the bin. They can go to school without being led by the hand. Where does immaturity come into it and where does taking advantage of the situation stop?

I don't think theres many on here that would actually leave their children at 12 and 13 for 13 hours a day, 3 days a week tbh.

OP it must be difficult, I hope you can find a solution.

I'm amazed at those of you saying a 12 and 13 year old are too young to get themselves up and off to school. My 12 and 14 year old do this every day (DH and I are in the house, and get up around the same time, but it's up to the kids to wake up, get up, get their breakfast and get off to school.

On the other hand, maybe it was all too much for them if it's a sudden change and they have been relying on you to organise their lives till now.

YANBU to be angry.

YABU to expect them to be alone all day long.

What has the lead up to this been? Are they used to having you around?

I think to expect them to get up alone and get to school would be one thing, if someone was going to be there when they got home. Or if someone was there in the morning, then the afternoon/evening wouldn't be so bad.

You must insist on them going to their granny's.

Yep, I think you are expecting too much of two relatively young children. It seems that in the week they are effectively bringing themselves up.

If their grandmother is willing to have them before and after school, then that seems far better.

Mornings --> Up and out with you and then get dropped at Granny's house, breakfast with Granny and then walk to school. (if practical)

Evenings --> Go to Granny's house from school and then picked up by you on the way home.

At that age I think they need adult supervision - are they left on their own for 13 hours a day during the school holdiays?

And the kids are not being left for 13 hours a day. They are at school for most of that, or are supposed to be! And as for sweet wrappers etc, they are not toddlers. I'd be coming down on them like a ton of bricks, they've taken advantage of your trust.

It's do think it's quite late for you to be getting back though, and I'd be looking into options to help with that.

Yes, but AllPastYears - if your children decided not to go to school, would you decide not to intervene and go to work as usual, leaving them to it? Or would you make them go? because the point is that the OP is simply not there to make them go and I think that what people are saying is they are too young for that level of independence. If you and your DH are in the house, it's not really a comparable situation, is it?

I posted above that I could leave my 14 year old and 10 year old DDs safe in the knowledge they would be fine.

But if my 21 year old was here then I could easily see him trashing the place, not on purpose but just not thinking to clear up after himself, and "forgetting" to get my dinner but making sure he got his own.

It might be a boy thing.

I absolutely agree with quirrelquarrel.
Many 12 and 13 year olds would not have behaved this way, simply out of respect for their mother's wishes. The way the OP's kids have acted is just disrespectful.
Loss of privileges and good telling off would change their attitude.
Also, expecting a child of that age to get themselves to school is certainly not a massive ask. Indeed I've seen many threads on MN where posters have told an OP in no uncertain terms that children of that age need to take responsibility for getting up, etc.

It seems that in the week they are effectively bringing themselves up.

Its 3 days! Not all bloody week! And as I said, even my 10 year old would know not the behave like that, so I dont subscribe to the notion that theya re too young.

Would you leave your 12 year old alone for that length of time then?

Well at 8, I was the sole carer of a chronic ill family member, I would and did everything in the house, including cooking cleaning etc. and managed night waking of said family member. BUT that was me, your kids choose to not follow your instuctions you need to think WHY?

The not going to school things sounds about right for most young teens given half a chance. BUT the food thing is very worrying to me. Do they normally treat you with so little respect?

Damage limitation is needed here, is there a friend /neibourg any adult that would in the IMEDIATE term help out and get them to school?

Next XBOX, DVD BLUE ray gone oh and the skate board. They had a chance to show respect so they have lost that now..

Right how much would your meal have cost? Take it back out of pocket money. Take away for them has to be urned now.

Talk to the school and ask for their help, my guess is if you are proactive they will not mind calling or being called to check the DC have made it to school

Finally Do not help DS out of the non attendence thing, let the school deal with it.

POOR you, hope you have a better day tommorow