To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

If OP is getting back at say, 8.30pm and her Dcs finish school (if they went) at around 3.30pm, that is approximately 5 hours alone. Apart from all the "it's too much" talk (which I agree with), it will be lonely, unsettling and an unstructured way of living for two adolescents.

They need adult company, guidance, a bit of chit chat and a feeling of stability. While they might be okay for 1-2 hours maximum, 5 hours is too long.

We moved house partially because of a neighbour leaving her sons to it once they hit the teenage years.
First there was just scary sounding fighting between them and loads of mates around. We were scaredt they were really hurting one another and used to knock and ask f they were ok.
Then it was the truancy refuge.
Once they were of an age where they had cars, loads those wanky little souped up cars were zooming into our close, next door became the fucking local youth centre and I could get stoned off my tits just by going out into the back garden and inhaling their ganja smoke.

I felt sorry for those lads though. They weren't doing well in life. Their mother was not in in the evening with them after work, she washed her hands of them once they hit a certain age.

OP, embrace your Mother. Granny will save you all.

Is the OP away thrashing the DCs to sleep with her belt? Ahhh the luxury

What bobblygussets said. My dsis leaves we 3 dd from when they were 13,12 and 10. They are out of control, binge drinking, sex, shoplifting, deliberate self harm, smoking and doing awfully at school. No structure and no security and comfort. It's fucking awful. They are now 15, 13 (almost 14) and 12 and it's just heartbreaking.

My sister doesn't see a problem, sees herself as their mate and offers not structure or activities after school

OP - either have childcare in place or revise your working hours

They're 12 and 13 not 2 and 3. I was doing my own washing, making y own meals and all sorts at that age (mum had bad depression)
It's not asking too much of them at all, they're being ridiculous. Hope you're okay x

My nephew stopped going to childminders when he turned 10. Had the option of going to after-school club but preferred coming home to practise his cello and fix himself a meal. His mum comes home around 6, I think, but his school sometimes finishes at 2, so similar no of hours to the OP. Dn is now 14 and has never caused any trouble whatsoever. Like the OP's dc he had an alternative and chose this; the only difference being that he sticks to his side of the bargain.

My niece (other family) when she was in her early teens used to come home from school and have supper on the table by the time SIL got home from work. Not child labour, she enjoyed doing it. She is now in her early twenties so we are not talking some mythical era in the distant past.

They seem very young to be left alone with that amount of responsibility.

I may add that both SILs had plenty of structure and that no child from either family has ever exhibited any behavioural problems.

Though to be fair, I should perhaps mention that my SILs live in Sweden- and it does seem as if youngsters can do more things for themselves there.

My own 12yo is pretty capable though, despite UK upbringing.

Midweek slump all they've been asked to do is keep tidy and nip out for tea.

Not read all the replies, as there's so many but I've read the first page.
YABU. That is a hell of a lot to have to do at the age of 12, I'm imagining myself as a 12 year old here and I can't imagine doing all that!
Getting up by themselves to an empty house, getting sorted and out the door, and all the stuff about kitty and takeaway and the rest of it is a lot of responsibility at a very young age.
Ok, they're not babies, but that what you've described is a lot to pile on!

I was left alone (no siblings) from 11 yo. All day in the holidays and mornings and after school in term time.

While i would never have not gone to school or left the house in a mess, or not got my parents dinner if they asked (that was probably more due to fear of my fathers rages than because i actually wanted to) I wouldn't advise leaving them alone at that age as a routine. I was very lonely and sad.

I think one offs are fine tho and i would be really cross also if i were you OP.

They're perfectly capable of doing it. Kids need to be given responsibility, it never did me any harm. And I'm 20 now so it's not like I did it in the dark ages.
Boo hoo poor children being expected to tidy up

Mine would be able to do 1&3 but the house would be untidy when I got back

Yes, YABU - they're far too young for all that responsibility, they're only 12 and 13 FFS.

Can I add that getting childcare for kids over the age of 10/11 is like trying to find a unicorns horn, stuffed with hens teeth and wrapped in a mermaids tail!

Nurseries dont do it or rarely, many CMs dont do it and after school clubs are usually in primary schools and only cater for primary aged children. My friend got her 11 year old senior school child into a primary afterschool club by her being an unpaid "helper", it was the only way.

So without either helpful family/friends or money for a nanny or au pair, then there is little option but to leave them. Especially as single parents with kids that age are now expected to work rather than claim benefits (and most would prefer to anyway), what choice is there?!

my dd2 sorts herself out after school - she texts me to let me know if she is staying for a club. She wants to let me know where she is.

I have arrived home and been faced with twelve cup cakes on a tray to greet me and dd2 cooked dinner - a simple meal of pasta and pesto.

dd2 was just turned 13 back then. If she forgets her key a couple of neighbours have keys and she knows she can call on them if she needed as well.

She usually goes to her room and goes on her laptop, I will leave soup to go in the microwave as she is usally hungry when she gets in and this will keep her going until supper later in the evening.

dd1 doesn't live at home now but when she was this age she wasn't quite so good and would make a bit of mess but on the whole was pretty good, never made me tea but would start tea if I text and told her to - jacket potatos in the oven etc

Yanbu and yabu. They can get ready for school. My brothers and I were doing that from aged 10 no bother. Get dressed, eat cereal, leave house - what's hard about that?

But I would have told them they were expected at Granny's for tea and you'd pick them up en route from work.

They took the Michael a bit with that money, didn't they?

ivykaty44 and others - this is obviously where I am going wrong with my two boys, instead of being a mother to them, providing them with authority, playing with them, cooking for them, cleaning up after them etc I should take your approach and have them look after me instead!

To those saying 'boo hoo poor children having to tidy up.' Yes, they should be keeping it tidy, that is a given. The bigger picture though is that they're being left to raise themselves from 6 in the morning until 8.30pm at night at the age of 12.
They're 12 and 13, not flat sharing students! If they finish school at 3pm, they're effectively being left to their own devices for at least 5 hours.
An hour or so after school, fair enough could see your point, but from 6am in the morning until 8.30pm at night with no adults at all? That's far too much responsibility and no parenting going on at all there.

My 13&14yo are left alone in the morning at 6:45am. They have been since last year.
They get up and go to school.

Come home, put a wash on, make themselves a snack, walk the dog, start their homework, once a week DS cooks dinner, dd cooks once a week also.

They always have the kettle boiled and cup ready with coffee and milk in for me, and make the coffee as soon as I pull into the drive.

They are both excellent students, wonderful, warm, funny, caring teenagers.
They are not on drugs, alcohol, having wild sex or parties whilst I am at work.

They have learnt that in order for me to work and maintain our own personal standard of living they need to be responsible and help out.

They have learnt valuable life skills which will be of great help to them when they go off on their own.

So everyone who wants to suggest that it is wrong to expect teenagers to be responsible and decent people if they are left alone for a period of time whilst a parent is at work, and that at this age they should be in childcare and if they are not supervised they will turn into alcoholic, drug addicted, unstructured, sex mad adolescents, sorry to disappoint you.

winkywinkola of course they took the Michael with the money - they're children.

If I was a child whose mother said heres £20 I'd buy £20 of sweets with it.

Children are children, they are not adults as much as some on this thread would like them to be.

MrsRigby no, we look after each other - not one looking after the other

im a police officer and just had a thread with similar issues - but no way would i leave mine like this. its just not worth it if something happens. ive had to alter my working hours to fit around my husband when im on nights which massively massively pissed me off, but it was that or leave the job.

what are your contingencies for things going wrong OP?
i linked the gvt info on leaving kids alone earlier - has the op been back?

My DD went through a very difficult stage at 13/14 and needed close supervision, before that i could have left her and her younger sister to get themselves ready for school and go.

If this is new to them, then there willl be a settling in period and the up coming summer holidays will make it easier.

You will have to put firm bounderies in place and make the cleaning of the house a family affair, that way they tend to be tidier.

Make it clear that some rules are non negotiable and if you have to give up work, then all of your lifestyles will have to be cut down on. I have found the 'no money for new things' a great teenage incentive.

i think it needs to be reiterated that it matters not how old they are - its whether they can cope and are mature enough to be left.

Here fucking here landofmakebelieve, it's about time someone spoke sense. Round of applause.