To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

I think they are old enough to do this.... however they have shown they are not mature enough on th basis of this. I would come down like a tonne of bricks about not going to school at all!

I think you need to sit them down. Tell exactly what you expect. on days you work can they have hot meal at lunch and cold meal/ sandwiches in the evening?? Tell them exactly what they need to do.... ie if not going to school ( for example unwell) then need to go to grans house and so on and that you have to go to work and any more breeches in this means they cannot be trusted.... so will have to be up and ready for when you leave for work then go to grans before and after school. no excuses.

I think it's quite often the 2 children together that makes it harder; they spur each other on, whereas one 12 year old might behave quite responsibly 2 will trash the joint and/or kill each other.

Like others have said-granny's after school; now compulsory and let them know you will be calling school to check they got there and suitable punishment/withdrawal of privileges if they are even late!

YANBU to be livid though.

Old enough but not mature enough is a very good description, all depends on the child, this time next year they may well be completely different, I feel for you op working three long shifts like that.

Jesus no, we left our older boys when we went on holiday once aged 17 and 18!!! House was a fucking tip and they thought it was clean!!

12 and 13 much too young, granny time I think and a stern talking to re skipping school.

Don't forget to contact the school to inform them of the truancy and your support in whatever sanctions the school deems fit to issue for this.

Sadly you are probably expecting too much of them . When me and my sister were left alone we'd usually end up beating the shit out of each other and the house was never tidy. Mum couldn't control us, we were bigger than her and I was having a hard time at school.

I assume you're a LP though, so I know how bloody hard and miserable it is.

They need to be taught to be more mature then. And one of the ways to do that is to give kids more responsibilty from an earlier age. FGS some 10 year olds (or so I read on here) aren't even trusted to make a cup of tea!

Though I realise you cannot suddenly thrust responsibility on them and expect them to cope if you never have before.

YABU I'm afraid, you are expecting too much of a 12 & 13 year old. They
are still children and far too young to look after themselves for that long. You need to arrange childcare/insist they go to their Grandmother's.

Much too young to be left alone for so long I have a 13 year old and she let's herself in after school but if I was going to be any longer than an hour after her I would make other arrangements. She has to text me to say she's home and safe too . I don't know anyone who would leave children of that age for so long.

I'm sorry, but how on earth is a 12 year old incapable of getting up on time? And if they can "remember" to get themselves their dinner, how on earth are they capable of "forgetting" to get their mum's?

It is not "such a young age". I was getting my breakfast and getting myself up at six, and waiting for my mum to go to school five minutes before we were leaving- she would never ever have stood for anything less. I would never have dreamt of not going to school if I had that kind of chance mainly because of the enormous bollocking I would have gotten when my parents found out and plus because even if there wouldn't have been a row I'd have felt too guilty for words. It is NOT a huge responsibility to clean up after yourself or think of your knackered mum when she's specifically asked you to do a tiny thing.

This is how you raise unresourceful, lazy kids. By telling teenagers that they're too young to do stuff they could have been doing several years ago. It is not a challenge to get up on time....ffs!

Really torn here.

on the one hand, I could certainly have been trusted to do all that at that age (well, I might have been too shy to go to the chinese, but I could cook pretty well).

On the other hand, not one of my three could currently be trusted to get themselves up and out on time. The oldest is 16 and does have SN, the others 14 and 10. I think because we wouldn't expect it of the eldest, we've lost sight of what SHOULD be expected of the younger two.

Hm. The trouble is, here you are, in the no doubt stressful and busy stage of a new job, and finding yourself with a second new job on your hands, of teaching your kids how to cope with life.

I don't get why some posters are saying it's too much for them to cope with. Why? It's hardly difficult, is it? My grandfather was working full time in a coal mine at 14. I worked on the family farm from age 9 and had loads more responsibility, none of it supervised.

It's not a big ask to get to school, tidy ip a bit and get your Mum some tea. OP you're damn right to be livid.

It sounds like the only consequence of there being no adult to look after them is that they weren't prodded into behaving like unselfish and respectful people. What danger were they in? That's not even the issue- I can't believe people seem to be making the point that they're too young to look after the place properly and that's why they shouldn't be left alone. I must be missing something.

I was up a chimney at 5

I'm sorry OP, for your disappointment.
They are perfectly capable, just choose not to be.
Maturity and responsibility are also dictated by circumstances, and if this means they have to step up and get a grip, so be it.
Big bollocking for them and and for you.
Hope the new job goes well. x

I'm sorry, but I think all of those things, together are too much to expect of children that age.

it sounds like you have had a really bad day. I bet you are disappointed in them but maybe it was too big a jump in terms of responsibility from what they usually are expected to do. Hope you can sort it out. I don' t think they are really too young to manage what you have asked of them. Maybe they need to be eased into it and get there bit by bit. Maybe someone could be there for a couple of weeks to make sure they are on track and then slowly withdraw that control

I was down the mines at 6

YABU and expecting way to much if this happens on a regular basis.

No you're perfectly justified in going mental at them.

I would tell them you're going to call school every day to make sure they're in

send them to their grandmothers after school every day and that they have to go straight there from school and you will collect them after work

I don't think they're too young at all - I was capable of that and more at that age. In fact my 6 yr old DN has their own alarm and gets up and ready for school.by themself ( their choice)

You trusted them and they showed they can't be trusted so now they have to earn your trust.

Good luck!

At that age, I was also capable of doing all listed and more. Much more than I should of had. But, although some children are old enough and mature enough, you get those who should be old enough, but not mature enough.

Boys also tend to mature later than girls, so leaving two for so long is mostly a recipe for disaster. You are not unreasonable to expect it, but obviously they have proved they can't be trusted for now.

So, what I would do is discipline accordingly, and get someone to go into school with DS2 and leave him to explain himself and accept punishment. Then it would be Grans after school no matter what for the next few months before I then tried to give them that much trust again.

Are you a lone parent?
Could granny stay over a couple of times a week just to make sure they get up up on time & get a decent meal when they come in?

They have proven, no matter their age, that they are not responsible enough to be left to supervise themselves.

Granny's it is. No choice in the matter.

Would say the same if they were 16 or 18. Trust has to be earned. They haven't earned any.

I wouldn't leave my 13 year old to do this, sorry. I think that you need to organise proper childcare. Can you get an aupair?